Darren Aronofsky is a loose cannon, alright. You never quite know what’s coming next. Brilliant addiction drama Requiem for a Dream, biblical flop Noah, obesity oddity The Whale…
Well, here’s a punky, grungy crime caper that misfires at almost every pull of the trigger. We’re on the Lower East Side of Aronofsky’s native New York in 1998 at the tail end of the city’s decades-long crimewave – although by the looks of the filth and fury on the streets, then Mayor Rudy Giuliani’s zero-tolerance crackdown hasn’t borne fruit yet.
Austin Butler is boozy bartender Hank, whose promising baseball career came to a thudding halt in a fatal car crash. Hank has a burgeoning romance going on with paramedic Yvonne (Zoë Kravitz, as decent on front of the camera as she was behind it, directing last year’s twisted thriller Blink Twice).
Hank lives next door to Russ (mohawked Limey Matt Smith, looking and sounding every inch the generic punk who poses for tourists on the bridge in Camden Town or outside the Houses of Parliament). Hell, Russ even has a mascot of Margaret Thatcher on the bonnet of his car – and the licence plate “RSS HOLE” – to drive his character stylings home.
After Russ skips town for a trip to London, leaving his cat in the care of Hank, machine-gun-toting cartoon goons (competing Russians and Hasidic Jews) soon come knocking for something Russ stole from them. To keep the alt madcap vibe on track, one of the Russian hoods (called Microbe) likes to sing his threats and torture to Hank.
Among this ramshackle mix of booty-hunters is also badass cop Roman (Regina King) and, notably for a gazillion fans worldwide, third most-streamed musician of all time Bad Bunny as one of the, erm, baddies. Bunny puts in as respectful a performance as the rest of the cast, which isn’t saying a lot as the material they’re working with is pretty tatty.
The pussy, that initial car crash and baseball are all important to the final outcome, the last tediously so (please Hank, for God’s sake dream of something else apart from the Yankees and the Mets). There’s violence and bullets a-gogo, and wisecracking that isn’t particularly wise and rarely gets a smiled cracked.
There’s one rather sweet, tickling scene in which the Jewish duo force Hank to attend a mitzvah, complete with a deadpan soup-slurping session. Beside this amusing diversion, there’s not a whole load more that you’d describe as “properly funny”.
Like a Guy Richie movie sans swagger or a Coen brothers comedy without the laughs, this time Aronofsky has given us a rather pointless outing loaded with blanks.
Caught Stealing is in cinemas from August 29
