Whenever I see a signed this or that for sale, I ask myself why anyone would want it. Apart from anything else, unless you were standing next to the celebrity when they wrote their name down, how can you know it’s genuine? With that in mind, I wish to vouch for the authenticity of one unique piece of memorabilia.
A friend, quite beside himself with mirth, has sent me details of lot 4238 in an auction next week. Though it was only a WhatsApp message, I swear I could discern the marks from the splashes where his tears of laughter fell.
Lot 4238 in this auction, you see, is a tie once worn by me, presumably on television. This was back when I was hot television property, and even then the idea of it being worth anything would, to me anyway, have been quite preposterous. Even worse, someone had me sign the thing. It looks like my signature, so I am happy to confirm it is genuine. Also, I remember the tie in question, and indeed have a dim memory of signing it. But most of all, surely there’s nobody, alive or dead, barmy enough to have troubled themselves to counterfeit the thing.
There’s so much to worry about here. First, they haven’t even spelt my name right. Second, there’s the opening price of £10. This is doubly tragic, being both embarrassingly low yet at the same time far too high for anyone to consider buying it. In fact, it may well resolve the debate in economics as to whether when the price is zero, demand is infinite. Because even at zero, demand for this item is surely zero. Even my mum wouldn’t buy it. And it’s almost certainly true that it would be worth more – if only pennies – were somebody to find a way of cleaning the signature off it.
I’m concerned about whatever this unhappy episode says about me and my life. And I’m even more concerned about the poor person selling it. I hope they’re not desperate for the money. And most of all I’m concerned for the sanity of anyone crackers enough to buy it.
• Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster, writer and Guardian columnist
