For many children, going for a poo at school has become a source of daily stress – away from the comfort and familiarity of the family bathroom, they struggle with embarrassment and this daily worry can escalate if not tackled. A recent survey by Andrex found that 76% of the kids who took part are too embarrassed to poo at school, with 65% of them saying they sometimes struggle to concentrate in class because they’re holding a poo. Even more concerning, is that 30% of the kids said they won’t eat at school in case it makes them need a poo. With this in mind, Andrex is on a mission to normalise having a poo at school, with the ultimate aim being to raise the first unembarrassed generation.
One of the key ways of ending this hangup is to be able to talk about the subject openly with children – and without embarrassment. To help that happen, we’ve gathered experts with wide-ranging experiences and knowledge to answer parents’ most pressing questions on how to discuss the school poo with their children.
The expert
Dr Patrick Sullivan is an educational, child and adolescent psychologist, registered with the Health and Care Professions Council, who has worked with children of all ages. He currently works as a senior educational psychologist at Tower Hamlets educational psychology service in east London.
The question: Worryingly, I’ve been finding that my 12-year-old daughter’s packed lunch is still in her bag when she comes home from school, but she’ll happily eat a huge dinner with us in the evening. She has finally admitted that she tries not to eat or drink at school so she doesn’t have to use the toilets there. She says she’s scared of having a poo when anyone else is in the toilets as they might hear her. How can we help her feel more comfortable? Suzanne, Northamptonshire
The answer: Many children and young people feel similarly nervous about using the toilet at school. It is helpful that your child appears to feel comfortable and safe in sharing her worry with you. You could acknowledge this and gently highlight how it might be supportive to work with the school regarding this issue. If your child agrees, involve her in deciding what’s shared with staff. Possible strategies include access to a preferred discreet toilet (perhaps one that’s on its own) or permission to go during lesson time when it’s quieter – a toilet pass may help here. You could also visit the facilities together after school to help her feel more familiar with the space.
The question: We have a son who is 14 who has always refused to have a poo at any of the schools he’s attended because he’s embarrassed about what the other kids will say. Other than once complaining about a stomach ache, he seems to muddle through. But now his younger brother, who is 10, has also stopped going for a poo at school, complaining that the loos are dirty, which resulted in him soiling himself on the walk home a couple of months ago. He was mortified and refused to discuss the topic at all. How can we talk to them both about it? Baljinder, West Midlands
The answer: Support begins with empathy at home and, with your children’s consent, gentle collaboration with school. At home, raise the topic in a calm moment, perhaps saying: “I’ve noticed you avoid using the toilet at school – can we work together to make it easier?” Normalise the difficulty to reassure them they’re not alone.
Try to not rush into predicting the specific reason(s) but use gentle curious questioning such as: “I wondered …” This will help to establish underlying concerns, keeping in mind there may be different reasons for your two children, to then consider a helpful way ahead. Underlying concerns could be linked to the toilet environment (which is making them fearful), personal hygiene and independent self-care skills. If your children agree, involve them in deciding what to share with staff. Schools can offer discreet strategies that prioritise comfort, privacy and dignity.
The expert
Helen Walters, 44, is a mum of two boys aged 12 and 15. She has personal experience of dealing with a child – her eldest son – who wouldn’t poo at school, often leading to him experiencing stomach aches and anxiety about leaving the house. Helen works as a mental health counsellor.
The question: I have a 12-year-old son who won’t leave the house for school until he’s had his morning poo. If he can’t have one, he becomes incredibly frustrated. He says his friends once laughed at him because “he took a long time” – and now he’s too scared to go at school as he’s convinced he takes longer than average, which he doesn’t. How can I help him to stop worrying? Tim, Hertfordshire
The answer: My son developed high anxiety around having a poo when he was younger and began withholding, which obviously made it much worse. It got to the point where we couldn’t leave the house for whole days because he needed a poo and was in such a state.
Initially I got very frustrated and tried all the “my way or the highway” tactics but all that did was ramp up the anxiety. Things began to change when I started recognising his fear, anxiety and physical pain with lots of reassurance and love. I helped him imagine a calm, relaxing place and asked him to think about what he could see, hear and smell. This helped take his mind off the job in hand, as well as physically relax. Maybe you could practise some relaxation techniques with your son, so he has them to hand when he needs them?
Away from the loo, we talked about the (age-appropriate) science of what poo is, why it’s necessary and why your body needs to get rid of it. We read books about poo – mostly funny, some factual. We normalised it, made jokes about it and marvelled at how clever our bodies were to do all these jobs. It took time and lots of moving forwards and backwards in terms of progress but, with patience, he got there.
The question: My 11-year-old daughter told teachers that she didn’t feel well and needed to go home early, but when I picked her up she told me it was because she needed a poo but didn’t want to do it at school. She’s done this twice now because she’s scared of “doing a smelly poo” and getting bullied for it. How do I explain to her that having a poo is normal, and that she can’t keep coming home? Suki, Lanarkshire
The answer: My two sons, now at secondary school, definitely relate to refusing to use the school toilets: they say they’re too dirty; they worry about bullies hanging out there; and they are only allowed to use the toilets at break and lunchtime so the queues can be long.
Try normalising her issue by relating to her experience – that you know that it’s embarrassing when you do a smelly poo in a public toilet and how you’ve managed that embarrassment yourself. Perhaps suggest that Taylor Swift, or whichever famous person she’s interested in, also goes to the toilet in public venues because it’s not always possible for them to go home whenever they need a poo.
Maybe prepping some replies to anyone if they do say something unkind might give her a bit of confidence. My boys enjoy a bit of sarcasm and witty comebacks. I asked them what they would say if someone teased them for doing a smelly poo and one said: “I’d thank them for their appreciation and say ‘I was particularly proud of that one’”, while the other said: “I suppose your poos smell like roses then?”
The expert
Joanne Briggs has 22 years of experience working in schools as a teacher, special educational needs coordinator (Senco) and a senior mental health lead. She has taught across many age groups and is mum to an 11-year-old son and eight-year-old daughter.
The question: Our 13-year-old son has never really liked having a poo at school because he’s embarrassed, but since he started secondary school, he is completely refusing to do so. He’s worried that the older boys will come in and start kicking the toilet door, which he’s seen them do to other pupils. He holds his poo all day and comes home with a stomach ache. What can we do? Lisa, Essex
The answer: Secondary schools can be busy and loud places, and it is completely understandable that your son may feel worried about this. It might help for you to arrange a meeting with the appropriate person at school (form tutor, head of year, pastoral team) to discuss concerns and work collaboratively to support your son to begin to feel more comfortable.
Schools have a variety of strategies and tools available to support individuals, and other children will not be aware of any “difference” as the support will be given discreetly. For example, he may be able to leave lessons earlier or have a toilet pass to allow him to go at a quieter time. Meanwhile, please reassure your son that he is not alone and to feel this way is very normal.
Andrex is on a mission to normalise the school poo. Find out what it’s doing to end the embarrassment and stigma
