Former Coronation Street star Adam Rickitt has shared the harrowing story of his 17 year battle with depression that left him feeling suicidal.
Adam, 42, suffered with depression and anxiety from the age of 13 until he was 30, and from the age of 17 he was suicidal.
The turning point for the actor, whose character Kyle Kelly recently took his own life in the Channel Four soap Hollyoaks, came on his 30th birthday when he realised he was able to enjoy time alone with his thoughts for the first time since he was 13.
In 2011 he met his wife Katy, 36, a reporter for Good Morning Britain, a relationship he lovingly describes as a 'reward' for his struggles.
He said in a frank interview with OK! magazine : "From the age of about 17, I was essentially suicidal. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that my parents would blame themselves and it would ruin their lives.
"I couldn’t do that to them.
"But I decided I was going to do everything self destructive I could in the hope I died in my sleep.
"I used to go to bed praying every night, 'please, for the love of God, do not let me wake up in the morning.'
"I just thought, 'what’s the point? I’ll always be miserable.'"
At 27 Adam, who played Nick Tilsley in Corrie from 1997 to 1999 and again from 2002 to 2004, says he tried to run away from his showbiz life and dabbled with the idea of becoming a politician.
The star, who had hit single with I Breathe Again in 1999, was offered a three-month job in New Zealand and found his need for other people’s approval disappeared with a clean slate.
It was then he rescued a litter of puppies which gave him 'a reason to wake up' and he kept Rufus.
When Adam met Katy he had been free from anxiety and depression for six years.
The smitten pair, who run Dexter & Jones bar in Knutsford and have three dogs Rufus, an Australian cattle dog, and bulldogs Tallulah and Daphne, can’t have children because he has an autoimmune disorder Ankylosing Spondylitis.
One of the effects of the chronic spine condition is decreased fertility.
"This lovely doctor was like, 'Mr Rickitt, you're supposed to have a sperm count of three million, you have two.'
"I said, 'Two million? he said, 'No, you have two!'"
But Adam says about his 'soulmate' Katy: "It felt natural that it was meant to be just the two of us and our dogs."
In Hollyoaks, after using weed to battle his depression and symptoms of multiple sclerosis, his character Kyle tragically took his own life in the lead up to his wedding to Nancy Hayton.
While the storyline began before the COVID-19 pandemic, charities have stressed the current importance of highlighting suicide prevention.
Suicide prevention campaigner Angela Samata said: “A rise in the number of suicides during and after this time of global crisis is not inevitable - if people reach out and are given the help they need.”
A new study published in the journal medRxiv in April reports that the pandemic is associated with increased anxiety and depression in UK adults experiencing isolation.
The Samaritans also reported that men are less likely to seek professional help for their mental health and three times more likely to take their own lives. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50.
Adam, who played Kyle since 2017, said: “When I first heard about the storyline, I was excited as an actor to be able to portray such a dramatic journey, and pride that the team had entrusted me to do it.
"There was also a sense of personal fear. "Like all too many I had to walk a similar path in my lifetime and the idea of revisiting that, even in the world of fiction, was slightly daunting.
“In truth though it became an incredibly empowering experience. The sensitivity and heart that the writers put into the story really shone through, and at a time like now, more than ever, I think we need to be highlighting just this sort of issue."
The Hollyoaks cast and producers visited James’ Place, a centre for emergency male mental health based in Liverpool, for the storyline.
Centre manager Jane Boland said: “We are so pleased that Hollyoaks consulted with us to create this storyline.
"At James’ Place, we know that men facing a suicidal crisis can get out of it, with the right help.
"It’s important for all of us to feel confident to ask straightforward questions when someone we care about is struggling.
"We believe that no one should face a suicidal crisis alone.
"If you are feeling hopeless, reach out, help is available.”
The centre provide support online at jamesplace.org.uk
Samaritans (116 123) samaritans.org operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org, write to Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK, PO Box 9090, STIRLING, FK8 2SA and visit www.samaritans.org/branches to find your nearest branch.
CALM (0800 58 58 58) thecalmzone.net has a helpline is for men who are down or have hit a wall for any reason, who need to talk or find information and support. They're open 5pm to midnight, 365 days a year.
Childline (0800 1111 ) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number won’t show up on your phone bill.
PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
Depression Alliance is a charity for people with depression. It doesn’t have a helpline, but offers a wide range of useful resources and links to other relevant information depressionalliance.org
Students Against Depression is a website for students who are depressed, have a low mood or are having suicidal thoughts. Bullying UK is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying studentsagainstdepression.org
The Sanctuary (0300 003 7029 ) helps people who are struggling to cope - experiencing depression, anxiety, panic attacks or in crisis. You can call them between 8pm and 6am every night.There are other depression charities.
Mind The charity offers information and advice to people with mental health problem and campaigns on their behalf to ensure no one has to face a mental health problem alone.
Phone 0300 123 3393 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm) and visit mind.org.uk for more information.
