One of the most unfair things in the world is seeing kids get cancer. In the U.S., about 15,780 children aged 0-19 are diagnosed with cancer every year. What’s even more devastating to witness is how parents and families have to cope with it. It’s not unusual for them to react in ways that may seem out of line to others.
One woman faced backlash from her boyfriend’s family when she refused to shave her head in solidarity with his 13-year-old sister, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer. As a model, her hair was the source of her income, but the family accused her of being vain. Feeling that the family’s anger was misplaced, the woman asked for unbiased opinions on the internet.
This woman’s BF’s family asked her to shave her head in solidarity with his little sister, who got a cancer diagnosis
Image credits: peus80 / envato (not the actual photo)
She refused because, as a model, her hair was detrimental to her career
Image credits: MikeShots / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: bfbaldthrow
Alopecia during cancer treatment can seriously mess with a pre-teen’s self-esteem
Alopecia, or hair loss, is a very common side effect of chemotherapy treatments for cancer. Researchers estimate that about 65% of cancer patients lose part or all of their hair. To some, losing hair might be “just vanity,” but even researchers agree that it is “one of the most distressing adverse effects of chemotherapy.”
If a cancer patient gets chemotherapy treatment, it doesn’t mean that necessarily all their hair goes away. Some patients only experience hair thinning, while others lose their hair completely, including eyelashes, brows, and body hair. It can depend on the treatment they’re getting: for example, if their treatments are weekly instead of every 2-3 weeks, the likelihood of hair loss is smaller.
Cancer and chemotherapy affect a person’s mental well-being as well as their physical health. Research shows that cancer patients report a poorer quality of life, and 30-60% say they need psychosocial support. According to another study, 55% of cancer patients generally feel supported by family members, but 28% still express a wish for more psychological support.
For a teen battling cancer, losing hair can feel like losing a part of their identity. Early teens are a sensitive time period when appearance matters a lot, and a child wants to be as similar to their peers as possible. Cancer takes that all away from a person.
Even in studies with adults, cancer patients express a desire for their body changes to be as invisible to other people as possible. For 74% of cancer patients, appearance during their illness is important.
“Having to deal with hair loss is an everyday reminder that you have a serious disease and are going through chemotherapy or some other treatment to address it,” oncologist Rachel Levenbach, MD, explains. “In that respect alone, it is entirely understandable that people don’t want to look in the mirror and see that their hair has thinned or is gone altogether.”
It’s always best to ask a cancer patient whether they’d like this kind of show of solidarity
However, there is some debate about whether a healthy person shaving their head in solidarity with a cancer patient does much good. While some believe it’s a great show of support, others see the act as performative and attention-seeking. Nevertheless, different rules seem to apply when the cancer patient is a child.
Some cancer patients see it as a sign of support; they even throw head-shaving parties. As cancer survivor and fashion designer Dana Donofree writes, “there is something about the visibility of having cancer as represented by our hair falling out, that can be particularly hard to swallow.” Loved ones shaving their hair in solidarity turns something scary and isolating into a fun, supportive, and loving experience.
Not every cancer patient may want a head-shaving party or to see their friends and family take that razor into their hands. Even if the intent is good, sometimes individuals might not want reminders of their illness from their friends and family. That’s why it’s always good to check in with the patient whether they want it or not.
“I wore a wig so I wouldn’t have to feel like a cancer patient every time I looked in the mirror,” one breast cancer survivor told UVA Health. “If someone did that for me, I’d be reminded of the cancer every time I looked at them.”
People discuss this issue on social media, too. On Reddit, one person said that this gesture can also be translated into “a twisted narcissistic ‘make it about me’ moment, especially if they take to social media and have hardly any connection to the patient.”
“I always thought it was performative virtue signaling,” another person wrote in a different thread. “I think I might actually be angry if people did that if I lost my hair due to chemo. Destroying your beautiful hair on purpose, for no reason, just because mine got destroyed to show that ‘You care.'”
However, when it comes to children, people almost unanimously agree that shaving their heads would be a supportive move. It’s still a good idea to ask them, but it almost always is. “Kids with cancer need as much encouragement as they can get,” the experts at UVA Health reiterate. “Childhood is confusing enough, and it’s hard to look different, especially if it’s not your choice.”
The girlfriend approaches this situation with empathy: “Emotions are running incredibly high in their family at the moment”
Still, most commenters didn’t think that was an excuse for the family to treat her this way: “This should not be a demand”
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envato (not the actual photo)
After the initial shock subsided, the woman tried to patch things up with her BF’s mom and sister
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / unsplash (not the actual photo)
The girlfriend tried to make it up to the girl by inviting her to have a photoshoot together, but it didn’t work out as planned
Some people thought she made a mistake with the photoshoot appointment, others believed there was nothing she could do right in this terrible situation
