We'll all tell 2022 not to let the door hit its backside on the way out tonight but it’s been a year that will echo down the ages.
Russia invading Ukraine, The Queen and The King (Pele) dying, an unparalleled energy crisis, global warming dishing out frighteningly extreme temperatures, NASA -successfully crashing a spaceship into an asteroid, Lionel Messi finally winning a World Cup and taking his place among the footballing gods and the UK having three prime ministers, one who lasted as long as the shelf-life of a lettuce.
But it’s behind the headlines that the real stories lie. So let me take you on a magical mystery tour through the past 12 months and a recap of 2022’s heroes and zeroes…
Best laugh
Anti-Brexit protester Steve Bray playing the Benny Hill theme -whenever a Tory MP was interviewed on College Green made us smile.
The worst education secretary ever, Gavin Williamson, throwing a diva tantrum because he wasn’t invited to the Queen’s funeral made us chortle.
Kwasi Kwarteng being Chancellor of the Exchequer for all of 38 days and managing to crash the economy, made non-mortgage payers guffaw.
But Tory MP Neil Parish claiming, after being accused of watching porn in the Commons chamber, that he had stumbled on the site by mistake when Googling tractors, brought the House down.
Worst man
James Corden acted like a spoiled cretin with New York restaurant staff and John Cleese did the same when he whined about the dire state of comedy, all because producers don’t want to put him on the telly any more.
The Archbishop of Canterbury asked us to forgive Prince Andrew, and Bernie Ecclestone said he’d “take a bullet” for Vladimir Putin.
But it had to be David Beckham for cynically getting down with the ordinary folk in a queue to see the Queen’s coffin in the hope of resuscitating his knighthood bid, then sinking further down with the Qataris as he took tens of millions to give approval to their abusive regime.
Worst woman
Under selection were Nadine Dorries for continually berating the nation for kicking out Boris Johnson when he did a decent job of it himself, and Sarah Ferguson for buying a £5million Mayfair home, months after being let off a multi-million pound debt on a ski chalet amid claims she was skint.
Plus Michelle Mone, as we’d like an explanation about where all of those Covid PPE millions went.
But no one was as gruesome as Home Secretary Suella Braverman who told the Tory conference: “I would love to have a front page of the Telegraph with a plane taking off to Rwanda. That is my dream.” Martin Luther King, eat your heart out.
Best man
In third place is Beautiful South singer Paul Heaton, who, for his 60th birthday, picked 60 pubs across Britain and Ireland and put enough money behind the bar to get locals a drink.
Runners-up are the Iran football team who refused to sing their country’s national anthem in a brave show of support for women’s rights protesters back home.
But for his amazing courage, resolute defiance and inspirational leadership in the face of extreme aggression, which united his people and the rest of the world to his cause, there could only be one winner: Ukraine’s Volodymyr Zelensky.
Best woman
Honourable mentions to Virginia Giuffre for managing to get £12million hush money from a man who claimed to have never met her, Deborah James for showing the same dignity in death that she did throughout her inspirational five-year fight against bowel cancer, and The Lionesses for showing English men how to win at football.
But the winner had to be Miriam Margolyes, for speaking for the nation when she told Radio 4 listeners after bumping into Chancellor Jeremy Hunt: “I said you’ve got a hell of a job, the best of luck.
“What I really wanted to say, was f*** you, you b*****d. But you can’t say that.”
Magnificent.
Worst sight
I gave thought to Americans weeping with joy when the Roe v Wade abortion ruling was axed, delighting in the prospect of a 15-year-old rape victim not being able to end a pregnancy.
Or King Charles losing his rag with valets at a signing ceremony in Belfast because his fountain pen leaked.
Or the colossal waste of money by women with nothing better to do that was the Wagatha Christie libel trial.
But the sight of disgraced ex-Health Secretary Matt Hancock abandoning constituents in a cost-of-living crisis to rehabilitate himself in the TV Jungle was as gruesome as a box of cockroaches dropped into your undies.
Best quote
In bronze, it’s Andy Murray who retweeted a video of Nigel Farage sucking up to Serbian Novak Djokovic’s family and wrote: “Please record the awkward moment when you tell them you’ve spent most of your career campaigning to have people from eastern Europe deported.”
Taking silver, Lioness Jill Scott for standing up to a German opponent in the Euros final with the words: “F*** off you f***ing pr**k.”
But the best was Rebekah Vardy’s when she heard in court her press assistant’s phone was “lying at the bottom of the sea in Davy Jones’ locker” and said “Who is Davy Jones?”
Best TV highlight
There were great dramas like The Responder, The Thief, His Wife And The Canoe, and SAS Rogue Heroes.
And Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby’s epic apology for queue-jumping as the Queen’s body lay in state was popcorn-munching action.
As was RMT leader Mick Lynch taking down every daytime -interviewer like Richard Madeley.
Plus Paul McCartney headlining Glastonbury at 80.
But the winner had to be comedian Joe Lycett claiming to be “extremely right-wing” after telling Liz Truss she had “smashed it’’ in an interview on Laura Kuenssberg’s new politics show.
Worst sound
Tossers who said “Platty Joobs” instead of Platinum Jubilee, some of the extreme fawning from the likes of Nicholas Witchell when the Queen died, and every time the little-watched alt-right GB News presenter Dan Wootton opened his mouth were all worthy of a shout.
But there could only be one winner: Attention-seeking brats Harry and Meghan whining about the terrible hand life had dealt them as Netflix coughed another £90million into their ever-growing pot.
Best Liz Truss WTF moment
During her leadership bid she said: “I grew up in the 1980s, which were characterised by boarded-up shops, people with no hope turning to drugs, families struggling to put food on the table,” forgetting that the Tory icon she was trying to emulate, Margaret Thatcher, led the country throughout that decade.
Following a curtsy to King Charles, which looked like she was doing a stooping header, he said to her: “Back again? Dear, oh dear. Anyway.”
But the winner is the bin bag covering the lectern outside No10 as we awaited her first speech and the accompanying BBC caption: “Liz Truss appointed Prime Minister.”
A true metaphor for the ages.
