World Cup 2010: The worst merchandise

Patriotic interior designers of the land, rejoice: your prayers have been answered. Unfortunately you seem to have prayed to spend the World Cup 2010 on a hideous stunted chair, adorned with the St George's cross. Just don't sit too close to a naked flame ...

England foam chairbed, £59
Littlewoods
Photograph: PR

Ah, the "official" England chanting bottle opener. Picture the scene now: a queue of chanting-bottle-opener inventors, all longing for the ultimate seal of approval, that "Official England" stamp. How many were tragically disappointed by the corporate might of M&S? And why does that "Try Me" manages to sound like an invitation to a fight?

Official England chanting bottle opener, £5
Marks & Spencer
Photograph: PR

As if the mere existence of this Engand bikini/monstrosity wasn't enough, the advert invites you to "Treat the missus!". Apparently the purchase also comes with a divorce lawyer's business card

England bikini, £18
Littlewoods
Photograph: PR

An idea so cheap they couldn't even be bothered to spend money on ink to draw noses and mouths on the cartoon characters

Football A-Fronts, £12
Next
Photograph: PR

What must hamsters make of humans? The endless torture on the revolving wheel, the imprisonment - and now the ultimate indignity. Give the poor buggers a a bit of fruit and leave them alone.

St George hamster pouch, £2.99
Pets at Home
Photograph: PR

Because a nodding bulldog isn't quite jingoistic enough, this one comes with a charming retro England jersey. Unlike the unofficial England nodding bulldog, which just downs a pint of Stella and starts a fight with the nodding pitbull

Official England nodding bulldog, £18
Littlewoods
Photograph: PR

Lost the will to live yet? Twenty seconds listening to the singing England tour bus should remove any last traces of perkiness

Singing England tour bus, £15
Marks & Spencer
Photograph: PR

Anyone got the phone number of the NSPCC handy?

England kids' poncho, £12
Littlewoods
Photograph: PR

You know how overseas the British are known as nuts about pets and cruel to kids? This is not helping.

England stroller, £79
Littlewoods
Photograph: PR

So they've got the pushchair, the poncho and the matching plastic clogs. £4 now, a fortune in therapy later

St George's baby clogs, £4
Sainsburys
Photograph: PR

Hang on, no, we're supposed to love our pets, aren't we?

Dog beer, £2, and England dog cap, £2.99
Pets at Home
Photograph: PR

Because sometimes, sticking two plastic flags out of your car windows just ISNT ENOUGH.

Wing-mirror socks, £9.99
getyourwings.co.uk
Photograph: Frank Baron/The Guardian

Well, that solves the problem of what to get the missus to go with that England bikini

England false eyelashes, £4.95
By W7, stockists (if you must) 01753 639137
Photograph: Frank Baron/The Guardian