Dropping off your children at university for the first time is a milestone likely to stir up a vat of emotions. You may feel concern for their wellbeing, excitement for this new chapter in their – and your – life, nostalgia for the past 18 years, and even a bit lost when you first return home.
Let's be honest, in the chaos of raising children, life can often feel hectic, and there may well have been moments when you've yearned for the peace and quiet of an empty home. But when the dust from their moving boxes settles and it's just you and your partner every evening, the reality may feel a little less comfortable than you'd hoped.
Our reader below cites a common feeling: a disconnect from her husband, that became apparent when their children flew the nest. Luckily, I have tried and tested advice for her and others in this situation.
Empty nest relationship issues
Our reader wrote: "Since our twins went to university last year, my husband and I have drifted. We get on but there’s no spark.
"He’s a homebody and loves pottering in the garden or watching TV, whereas I am out and about relishing the freedom of not having kids to fend for.
"We’re planning a holiday – our first as a couple in years – and I am afraid it will show up the cracks. I don’t even know if I want us to stay together or whether the best is behind us."
Kids leaving home often marks a turning point in a marriage
Your confusion about the state of your marriage is palpable – as though you’ve woken up to discover you’re living with a stranger, and that must feel horrible.
So, firstly, I want to reassure you that what you’re experiencing is common – but in the wake of your once-bustling family life, it can feel isolating and even a little frightening.
The kids leaving home often marks a turning point in a marriage, and it’s perfectly natural to look at your partner and think, ‘Who are we now?’
For most of us, raising children requires intense teamwork. You’re on the same side, juggling school runs, mealtimes and teenage drama. Even though that shared purpose can act as glue, it can also mask a deeper disconnection.
In all that busyness, it’s easy for couples to slide into being excellent co-managers, while your romantic connection takes a back seat.
An opportunity to grow
So when the children move out, what’s left is not only a quieter home but an emotional gap that’s been years in the making.
The good news? Rather than grieving, take this moment as a powerful opportunity to change instead.
A couple of years ago I tried Imago Relationship Therapy with my other half, and can thoroughly recommend it. It teaches us that we’re often drawn to partners who help us heal childhood wounds. Over time, unresolved hurt can unconsciously resurface and we can end up acting out in the relationship, which then causes conflict.
The key is not to avoid this discomfort but to lean into it – with curiosity and compassion.
Talk from the heart
A simple but powerful Imago tool you can begin using right away is the Imago Dialogue. Set aside a time to talk – 20 or 30 minutes – where one partner talks about how they feel and the other listens without interrupting.
The listener then mirrors back what they’ve heard, with absolutely no judgement, and acknowledges that those feelings are real.
Finally, empathise – really try to imagine what it must feel like for the other person. This may sound simple but it’s incredibly powerful, and if you practise it regularly, you can shift from emotional distance to true emotional connection.
The other thing you could try is a weekly ‘date with no agenda’. It could be a walk, a museum visit, a pub quiz – anything that isn’t about logistics or family, but about reconnecting as individuals.
Think back to what you both enjoyed before you started a family. What excited you? What brought you together in the first place? What is it that you love and value about this man?
And please don’t be afraid to seek professional support. A trained couples counsellor or Imago therapist can help guide you through this new phase, helping to nudge you towards a deeper understanding.
Remember, love in long-term relationships isn’t static. It evolves. The love you’re seeking isn’t necessarily the same love you started with – but it can be something older, wiser, and even more intimate if you want it to be.
You are not alone. And, yes – there is a way back.
If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.
This article first appeared in the August 2025 issue of woman&home magazine. Subscribe to the magazine for £6 for 6 issues.
