Dear Coleen, I’m a man in my 30s and I’m having a tough time in my marriage. We’ve only been married four years and I’ve recently found out that my wife kissed another guy she knows through work. Apparently, they don’t work together directly as they’re not in the same team.
She told me about the kiss herself because I think the guilt became too much for her.
She said they got on well and the friendship became flirtatious, and then one night after work they kissed.
She claims she realised right away that she didn’t want to take things any further and immediately felt bad about what had happened. It took her about a week to admit it.
I’m not sure what to think. I know they didn’t sleep together, but she crossed a line and it still feels like she cheated. My mood is swinging all over the shop – one minute I think it’s not that bad, but the next I feel so upset and angry about it.
Why wasn’t I good enough for her? That’s how I feel – not good enough. I’m confused about what to do now.
She says she loves me and never had any intention of having an affair or going off with this guy. Any ideas?
Coleen says
I wouldn’t expect you to get over it straight away. She may not have slept with this workmate, but it is line crossing and it is cheating because they’d been having an emotional affair for a while.
But as soon as things got physical, it was a wake-up call for your wife and she realised she was making a big mistake.
Can you come back from it? Yes, but you need to do a lot of talking and tell her how you feel.
You need to unpick why she became emotionally intimate with another man. And you also have to be clear that if it happens again, there are no second chances.
She needs to make a decision now to be honest and to commit to working on the marriage.
I had an affair many years ago when I was much younger because I was unhappy. But instead of talking to my husband about it, I fell into that trap of being seduced by someone who made me feel good about myself.
She’s made a mistake, but she’s owned up to it and she is sorry, so that’s a positive start.
It will take you a while to move past it because she’s damaged the trust you had in her, which needs to be repaired through time and effort.
Try some counselling, listen to how she felt and try to understand.
Make the effort to spend time together and remember that every relationship is forever a work in progress.
