I have no real way of knowing what you're doing right now, but I have a very strong sense that you're sitting down, perhaps quietly, and staring at some kind of screen. Does that ring any bells? A screen, yes? With writing on? I thought so. Also, and I may be wrong here - though I hardly ever am, I'm getting a message from beyond that you might this evening be planning to stare at a different screen, perhaps one with no writing on? Just moving pictures, and sounds? Does that make sense?
I'm not saying I'm psychic, of course, but I sometimes do get these alarmingly strong premonitions of the future.
Generally only a few hours into the future, and all concerning television schedules, but premonitions all the same. To gain the benefit of my powers - sent through the medium of our spirit Guide and Guardian - simply read on.
Don't Get Me Started 7.15pm, Five Sam Delaney's rant is that Britain has turned into a "depressing wasteland of blandness". He bemoans the lack of individuality and eccentricity on our streets today and despairs at the cultural coma we're in. He criticises the aesthetic mess that chain stores have made of our high streets, the manufactured shlop that passes for music, and the fact that kids have exchanged rebellion for aspiration. But he can't quite bring himself to see capitalism as the root of the problem. "We're not communists," he protests, as if McCarthy were asking.
Clare Birchall
Foetus Snatcher 10pm, Channel 4 There are few crimes as horrible as foetal kidnapping, where a woman's unborn child is ripped from her womb either before or after the mother's death. There have been a dozen reported cases of this in the US in the past 15 years, three of which are explored in this distressing documentary. The women who committed these crimes were desperate to have their own child, but their actions leave one horrified.
Mary Novakovich
Medium 11.05pm, BBC1 Patricia Arquette sees dead people. Luckily, they're quite informative too, letting her into all sorts of secrets about various crimes that need solving. All she's got to do is to convince the relevant cops that her inside/other side info is worth listening to — the usual easier-said-than-done scenario. Your enjoyment may rely on where you sit on the Most Haunted fence, but it's pretty well-crafted mix of cops and spooks.
Richard Vine
Mercury Prize 2005 Live 9pm, BBC4 Jools Holland and Jo Whiley are your guides to tonight's annual round of musical chin-stroking. Sitting in the "too famous to win" corner are Coldplay; Polar Bear get the "let's face it, new jazz won't win" award, which is similar to Devon-based folkie Seth Lakeman's "who he?/Did it in my kitchen" status. Hard-Fi, Maximo Park, Bloc Party and Kaiser Chiefs square off in the "how angular is your tie?" zone (with Kaisers finding themselves in this year's "favourites=kiss of death" spot). Also in there are good bets M.I.A. and the Magic Numbers, plus KT Tunstall, Antony & the Johnsons and the Go! Team. If you're not living in the digital world, BBC2 are condensing things on Friday, 11.35pm and Radio 1's covering live from 9pm.
Richard Vine
Six Feet Under 10pm, E4 It is Nate's 40th birthday. In a scene that will strike a chord with men and women of a similar age, he wakes up to examine his face in the mirror and react with slight despair at what he sees. From then on the pressure builds as a surprise party for him thrown by Brenda heaps on the expectations to have fun — and the reality of his feelings pour out when the presence of a pesky bird in the house gets the better of him. Elsewhere, George and Billy bond over the alienation of losing your mind and Claire does something extremely silly. Six Feet Under is always at its best when its characters are pretending to have a good time, making this a great episode.
Will Hodgkinson
Nighty Night 10.30pm, BBC3 The sickest comedy on the box — and televisual equivalent of Munch's Scream — returns, as Jill (Julia Davis), having first relieved Glen of his chip and pin number at an institute for the criminally insane, drugs and kidnaps Linda and sets off to meet Cath (Rebecca Front) and Don (Angus Deayton), at the Trees Therapy Centre in Cornwall. It'll do you no good. Try not to get hairy tonsils as you scrape your jaw off the carpet.
Ali Catterall
No Sex Please, We're Teenagers 9pm, BBC2 A dozen teenagers from London are challenged to give up sex for five months. For some reason, this involves going off to Florida where they get sucked into the abstinence programme advocated by America's evangelical churches. As far as these Christians are concerned, sex is only for married people, thank you and good night. Judging by how many of the British teens recall squalid sexual encounters while drunk, you would think that some responsible adult would have shifted the focus from singing dodgy power ballads masquerading as hymns and towards thinking about how alcohol affects the kids' self-respect.
Mary Novakovich
Drama Connections 10.35pm, BBC1 This Comedy Connections spin-off kicks off with Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, whose Geordie brickies rarely fail to invoke a sense of warmth in their fans. The creation of it was a bit odd in that Franc Roddam came up with the idea but had to pass it on to Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais so that Roddam could do Quadrophenia. By the time the second series came and went, Roddam had come up with the concept of Masterchef, of all things.
Mary Novakovich
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Oh, hang on, I'm getting something... I see a fuzzy picture of me, on a sofa, watching Medium, the new Patricia Arquette psychic detective show, and finding it to be a pile of mild, silly, yet watchable bobbins. Of course, some of you will have known that I was going to say that. But then, you probably know who did it as well.
