I wish I were a Desperate Housewife. All that sunshine, those fancy cars, the tightly scripted put-down abilities, all those lucrative hair product endorsement contracts, but no - no matter how hard I close my eyes and say "There's no place like Wisteria Lane!", no matter how many gardeners I bonk or ridiculous internet-based quizes I do (I'm "a Lynette", apparently), I'll never be a Desperate Housewife. My hair's not shiny enough, I don't fall into bushes in nearly a winsome enough way, and most unfortunately of all, I don't have anyone dead in my back garden, or anyone insane in my basement. I don't, come to think of it, have a garden. Or a basement, for that matter.
Oh sod it, I'll just have to carry on living vicariously, through the medium of Channel 4. As can you, if you like. And lots of other channels as well, with the help of our handy TV previews, garnered from the Guardian's Guide...
Rameses: Death Of The First Born 8pm, Five Egyptologist Professor Kent Weeks' research into Valley Of The Kings has led him to a 19th-century chart which marked a forgotten doorway, through which he uncovered a labyrinth of 120 tombs, the largest in the area. Inside, Weeks believes he discovered the remains of Pharaoh Rameses II's oldest child, Amen-her-Khepeshef, said by the Bible to have been "cut down by the hand of God" -- but forensic investigation here suggests a violent death that might cast light on the story of the Exodus.
Joss Hutton
Extraordinary Breastfeeding 9pm, C4 Real-life bitty-seekers. Some of the mothers interviewed here still haven't weaned their children after eight years. When one seven-year-old is asked if she is looking forward to being independent of her ma's teet, she looks dismayed and replies in a baby voice that she wants "bwest milk". Also tackled in this fascinating hour is the right to breastfeed in public. One campaigner launches a calendar and her colleague suggests, "I suppose the ideal would be to get breastfeeding onto Page 3". Meep.
Julia Raeside
Desperate Housewives 10pm, C4 Susan is green when she hears Edie is getting pally with Julie. She pulls out all the stops to steal her thunder. Bree is disconcerted to see that Rex's carcass has been dug up, and even more ruffled when the police start asking awkward questions. Gabrielle is distraught when John hooks a new housewife and Lynette tries to juggle work and kids. Dirty laundry threatens to spill over every picket fence, and yet it seems less thrilling than the first series.
Julia Raeside
Our House (Danny DeVito, 2003) 8pm, Sky Movies 2 Very much the kind of thing you'd expect Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore to star in, and indeed they do, phoning in likable performances as a young New York couple delirious at finding an apartment perfect except for one high-concept plot wrinkle: a mad, noisy, elderly tenant with a penchant for brass bands. In its favour, the humour of this Danny DeVito-directed romp is darker than is usually found in what is otherwise routine Hollywood fluff -- in their desire to be rid of the vexatious termagant they've been lumbered with, the couple are eventually driven beyond distraction, into the realm of criminal conspiracy.
Andrew Mueller
Ride With The Devil (Ang Lee, 1999) 9pm, FX Lee has already proved he can turn his hand to any period in history, and this Missouri-set civil war saga rarely puts a foot wrong in terms of period authenticity, horseback battles or local flavour. But the film's fidelity to history is also its problem, since it focuses on the personal rather than political motivations of a gang of southern "bushwhackers" -- including a black man (Jeffrey Wright). It's probably all true, but it makes for an uncomfortable and slightly directionless narrative. Starring Tobey Maguire and Skeet Ulrich.
Steve Rose
Family Ties 10pm, BBC4 Family man Ronald Phelvin discovers through conversations with his Aunt Rose that he has a brother he never knew existed, and sets out to track him down. He also attempts to find out why his mother Catherine abandoned him when he was seven months old. He soon discovers Catherine -- herself an abandoned daughter -- died when she was a teenager, leaving Ron to somehow reconcile past and present. Promising set-up, shame about the programme, for this is sadly tedious stuff indeed.
Ali Catterall
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I have shagged a gardener though. But it didn't give me shiny hair. I don't know where I went wrong.
