Name: Elderly White Men.
Age: Old.
Appearance: Pale, masculine.
Occupation: Screwing everything up.
Everything? You name it, they ruin it. A substantial majority of old white men supported Donald Trump, and they dominate his cabinet picks.
How surprising. They also voted overwhelmingly for Brexit.
Naturally. The bastards. Last month, the Brit awards had to purge half their voting members because old white men were inhibiting diversity among nominees.
But what have they screwed up lately? They stand accused of blocking major restructuring at the Football Association.
How dare they stymie progress in that otherwise reform-minded body. Arguably, the Premier League is the bigger culprit, but, in a letter to parliament, five former FA executives pointed to “some 25 life vice-presidents on the FA Council – all elderly white men – who do not represent anyone but block even the most minor of changes”.
Who are these five former executives? David Bernstein, David Davies, Greg Dyke, Alex Horne and David Triesman.
Hmmm. You think them unqualified to speak out?
No, it’s just that they are actually all old white men. I’m telling you, they’re everywhere.
How can this still be the case in 2016? It’s mind-boggling, isn’t it? Just last week the government approved four white men for the Channel 4 board, while rejecting the one black female candidate.
What is it about elderly caucasian males that makes them so uniquely suited to positions of power and authority? Well, they are famously immune to racist stereotyping and sexist bullying. And while they may be old, they’re not dead, which is a plus.
I mean, I’ve got nothing against old white men per se. Some of my best friends are old white men. Indeed. I can’t help noticing that you are yourself an old white man.
I know, but I’m just filling in today. The person who normally has this role is totally diverse. They really couldn’t find anyone else?
Half the office is out with norovirus. And, anyway, I’m 44, you ageist berk. My mistake.
What remedy do those five old white men seek for the FA’s surfeit of old white men? They would like our richly diverse parliament to mandate reform through legislation.
Do say: “It could be worse - the world could be ruled by young white men.”
Don’t say: “Hey Santa! Time to hand over the reins!”
