As a person who was recently verbally assaulted for clarifying that gentle, permissive, and authoritative parenting aren’t the same thing, I’m all too aware that parenting techniques are plentiful, confusing, and divisive. While it was a mistake on my part to discuss parental approaches with a drunk relative at a wedding reception, I’m sure that many others have found themselves in similar situations when the wine was flowing and conversation took a weird turn into the world of child rearing.
Parenting methods can be a touchy subject, and bringing up children is hard enough without trying to figure out what camp, cult, or culture you want to associate yourself with. Are you authoritarian? Or authoritative? Or permissive? Or a tiger?
While there were only about seventy-five techniques that I was previously aware of, I’ve recently found out that there are thousands more hiding in the inner folds of the internet. A treasure trove of lesser-known parenting approaches that are standing on the sidelines, waiting to go mainstream.
Jellyfish parents: a “loose” parenting technique
First up we have jellyfish parenting, which, surprisingly, doesn’t involve stinging your child with a tentacle or anyone peeing on anything. It is, instead, the term used to describe a “looser” parenting technique, where days remain relatively unscheduled - emphasising freedom and independence.
Parenting methods can be a touchy subject, and bringing up children is hard enough without trying to figure out what camp, cult, or culture you want to associate yourself with
On the opposite side of authoritarians, it’s supposed to radiate warmth while allowing for inconsistent routines and letting children “explore their own passions”. Which, to me, just sounds like you’ve invited a hippie on an acid trip over to babysit and put a positive spin on the situation.
But I say this all with a whisper in case my wine-soaked relation is hiding somewhere, waiting in the shadows to jump out and shriek that this is also just another form of gentle parenting.
Dolphin parenting: firm, yet flexible
Staying in the marine life arena, we also have dolphin parenting - which, unfortunately, doesn’t involve communicating via clicks while bounding through open waters, but instead comes in the form of a firm, yet flexible approach.
A middle ground between the tiger and the jellyfish, the dolphin tries to guide its child while being playful and creative within a structure. If it didn’t sound so ridiculous I’d be inclined to say that appears to be quite a sensible outlook but I could never, in a sober state and with a straight face, declare myself to be a “dolphin parent”.
Elephant parenting: focus on emotions
Returning to terra firma, there’s elephant parenting. This method, rather than suggesting a person who never forgets anything and has a penchant for grudges and grey, is actually applied to a more “empathetic” and “encouraging” method.
Elephant parents are more likely to co-sleep, and place importance on articulating emotions while moving away from putting academic strain on their child. The downsides of this technique can include sheltering your child from “difficult” emotions, being overprotective, and having your child live in your house for the rest of eternity.
The other terms you need to know: lighthouse, free-range
Beyond sea life and land mammals, there’s an array of other terms such as “lighthouse” (a guiding light from afar) or “free range” (less supervision, more risk!). Regardless of the name, these groupings feel endless, overwhelming, and completely unnecessary when most of them liberally overlap and the others just seem like labels for haphazard caregiving.
Instead of adding more stress to parents, I feel that a more fun use of time would be to start organising romantic couples into “types”. Off the top of my head I can think of a “mice couple” (life-long partnership, endless bickering), a “gibbon couple” (sing to each other, probably swingers), and an “otter couple” (aggressive sex life, hold hands in public).
Bosses are another territory that I would argue is under-categorised, and I believe we’ve all worked with a few tits, boobies, and vultures. All to say that I am, as a parent, too tired to care anymore. I think we’ve all tried a thing or two, a parenting process or methodology along the way, before it became too confusing or irritating to follow religiously.
Like most people, I just try my best to bring up children in a calm way with boundaries, and I do not know if that makes me a prawn, a pig, a seagull, or a sandwich. Ultimately, the only thing I’ve really learned when it comes to parenting approaches, is never to discuss them with a relative who’s been on the wines.
