As news emerges that the Conservative party chairman, Grant Shapps, has jokingly promised young volunteers that the most active among them might get to go on holiday to Ibiza with Samantha and David Cameron, we imagine what a week on the road with the Road Trip 2015 team might look like.
Day 1: ‘identify the Ayn Rand quote’
“What happens on tour stays on tour,” says one young volunteer, handing out the free, blue-coloured contraceptives as the group pass Milton Keynes, “but don’t let the guys at the back of the coach near these.” At the back are the socially conservative gang. One has taken his “It’s not Adam & Steve” commemorative pin badge off and is using it to pierce the condoms. The rest of the coach has just finished playing “identify the Ayn Rand quote”, and near the front of the bus the libertarians are swapping pill bottles. “This is bat country,” one of them mutters, while another reads a book on the gold standard.
Day 2: ‘how to spot a Labour voter’
After a day’s leafleting in North Warwickshire, the team heads to the nearest Holiday Inn where a curry is being prepared. It has taken two days for “Banter Bus” to emerge as the name of the team vehicle, edging out Winning Wagon and Chat Coach. “How to spot a Labour voter” is the topic of conversation, and it is generally agreed that they are the ones who fly-tip in their own front gardens. Within minutes of the party chairman telling the audience that the most successful campaigners may get to throw shapes with Sam Cam in Ibiza, groups have split off into the corners of the room to form campaign teams. A mixture of Sophie Ellis-Bextor and Taylor Swift is encouraging young attendees to adjust their pocket squares and hit the dance floor.
Day 3: ‘how to pronounce Boadicea’
The team encounter a group of Labour supporters who – as Central Office training suggested – broke into tears and fled when shown the standard-issue photograph of Ed Miliband standing in a puddle. Volunteers carry the auto-tuned Nick Clegg apology for similar purposes, but headquarters has yet to devise a Ukip strategy. Later in the afternoon there is a brief tangle with the media as two young men brawl over the correct pronunciation of “Boadicea”. Local press are quick to the scene, and get shots of the men before they’ve been encouraged to remove their rosettes and tie pins. Insiders whisper that it’s really an argument about whose dance card was marked last night.
Day 4: shivving of the ‘Doxbridge’ inventor
“Oxbridge people get it,” says one young man as he leans over the table of a group of women enjoying their fourth curry dinner of the trip. This is the first floor restaurant of a Hilton Doubletree, with all the ambience of a young offenders’ institution. The women have taken to dining in a protective circle with their handbags on the backs of their chairs, reminiscent of the Roman Legion’s “testudo” or “tortoise” formation. A second man leans in to say, “Really, most people will agree that it’s actually ‘Doxbridge’.” Later that night there are unconfirmed reports that the man who invented the “Doxbridge” portmanteau to include his alma mater of Durham has been shivved with a plastic Liam Fox doll and has left the trip.
Day 5: ‘we love the NHS’
“We’re all in this together,” one volunteer cheerfully tells the receptionist as the Banter Bus makes an unexpected stop at a sexual health clinic. The volunteers pile off and spend the morning getting tested, only for a red-faced doctor to explain that their symptoms (flatulence, lethargy) are the result of too much curry, and that since only two of them have been sexually active in the past month, this has been a complete waste of NHS time and money. “We love the NHS,” a group leader protests, as the others try very hard to look like they’re one of the two. For the rest of the day everything is described as “sound”, and after six hours of delivering leaflets in the rain, the team opt for KFC and vodka shots.
Day 6: Ukip field HQ – time to defect
The team are cold. Not only was the heating broken in the village hall they slept in last night, but the windows of the bus have all had to be kept open. The driver has pointed to a European directive safeguarding his working conditions, which has forced the team to crack the sunroof. By lunchtime, the cold and the EU directive has unified two groups who previously had not shared three words with each other, as the socially conservative volunteers and the libertarians demand the coach be stopped outside a Ukip field headquarters for them to defect. As one of the libertarians mutters “sound” at the sight of the Ukip flag, a Team 2015 staffer screams,“You can’t say that, that’s our word”, and has a cry.
Day 7: on the buying of Twitter followers
In a recount of the votes minus the defectors, the vehicle has reverted to Chat Coach, and the group are arguing whether David Davis or Theresa May would survive longest on a desert island before someone lets slip that they know how to buy Twitter followers. Within a few minutes the group are all upping their social media presence. That evening the Chat Coach stops for the final time, and the revellers enjoy an Ibiza-themed beer and curry night followed by Ibiza-themed laser quest. One volunteer overhears Samantha Cameron’s assistant screaming at Shapps over the phone, stating in no uncertain terms that Samantha would rather be trapped in a steam room with the two Eds than go on holiday with Team 2015, and that he could stick his competition. The volunteer tweets excitedly to his 30,000 followers, only to remember that none of them are real. What happens on tour really does stay on tour.
