Good evening and welcome to Watch With ... our weekly feature taking a slice of British television, watching and dissecting it in real time, in order to truly attempt to understand what this 'entertainment' being thrust upon us is, and whether, in fact, it is entertaining. At all.
Last week, we dipped our toes into the murky world of non-terrestrial in the shape of Streetmate on ITV2, and an unprecedented number of actual contestants (two) actually turned up in the comment box to say hello. Tonight, we're running back to the loving arms of ITV1 and will be covering I'm A Celebrity... from 9 until - What? It's on until when?! Jeeez - until 10.30, because it's terribly popular. And because we're hoping that some of the ex-contestants might in turn log in and contribute. Don't be shy, Katie...
So here another of our weekly forays into the new world of real time television commentary. Well, not that new a world, but it was certainly more difficult before the internet, with people having to watch the one television in the county AND shout what was going on - as well as critical commentary on what was going on out of the window to the local peoples, who would in turn pass it on, Chinese whisper style (is that PC? Can I say that? What's it called now, if not?) to the rest of the populace, who would in turn add their own insights to the spreading critique.
Still, it's very similar now. Just makes the throat hurt slightly less. So do leave comments if you're watching I'm a Celebrity, if you're watching something else, if you're here later but did watch it earlier or, you know, if you're passing by and just happen to want to bemoan the state of television, journalism, the internet or anything else that's bothering your poor gigantic brain this evening.
SO. I'm a Celebrity then... I shall have to go and find out what's been going on...
Oooh, I SAY. ... Well I never! ... He didn't, did he? ... OOoooOOOOooooo! .... Etc.
9pm "So no one left the camp last night, but there were some new arrivals!..." says the continuity woman. What an earth does she mean?
The 'previously on' section doesn't help. They just seem to be the same five people, and some rain, and a trial and ... no, no, no new arrivals here. Just Antandec. Hello Antandec.
9.06: All the celebrities are expressing their incredible surprise and disappointment at the non-eviction. "Oh no! I really thought I could be going!" "I had my bags packed and everything!" "We're here for a whole 'nother DAY" says Gemma Atkinson "No! Worse than that, it's a whole 'nother 24 hours!"
What?
9.09: So who's left? Christopher Biggins, Janice Dickinson, Jason 'J' Brown, Gemma Atkinson and Cerys Matthews. And they're talking about what a happy, happy little family they really are. And what a bizarre one, let's face it. Imagine having Christopher Biggins as your Dad, and Janice Dickinson as your Mum. Just imagine it. Go on. Imagine it.
9.12: I've just realised - no one's going to be watching this/reading blogs right now, are they, because there's loads of football on. And so even if you came back later, you'd have no idea what I'm saying here actually happened or not. Brilliant. I could say anything.
Ok, so at the moment, Cerys is stripped down to a t-shirt and a very nice pair of lacy pants, which Janice is admiring. Cerys stands up, and runs her hand over them, and they really are terribly nice pants. All this is true, by the way. Christopher Biggins then asks if he can try them on. He does, and they look even better on him. That bit was not true.
My, this could be fun...
Next, a Bushtucker trial. It looks a bit dull, so I may just make it all up. Who knows. Who cares, in fact, no one's out there! Hurrah!
9.18: Jason 'J' Brown is doing the trial. He has to stick his his head through a table on which will sit a dome containing some critters or other from the jungle. He can't see them before he sticks his head in, and if he stays there a for some amount of time, and collects a star with his teeth, he gets the star.
Antandec, after a break are describing how disappointed he was not to have to eat any weird things, any eyeballs or penis or testicles. They giggle at the word penis. And say it four more times for good measure. Penis. Penis! Penis!!!
See, if I can't get readers, I'll get google hits from unsavoury internet searchers. I'm not proud.
J's doing his Bushtucker trial. He's so far had his eye gouged out by a monitor lizard, swallowed a large poisonous rat, and had some unidentified insect shagging his ear.
None of that is true. It's all really dull. I mean, I couldn't do it, but it's still dull. He sticks his head into an upside down bucket of critters, and then takes it out again. Job's a good'un.
9.26: Christopher Biggins, in the diary hut, is topless and happy, and rubbing his naked manboobs with pureed jungle bugs. They're full of vitamins. Some of that is true.
9.29: Everyone's talking about how happy and wonderful the whole experience is; how much they all love each other; how little they want to leave their new little family. Well that's very very lovely. But a bit dull. Can we have a little more conflict please, dullards?
9.31: Deep in the jungle, they're having deep conversations about life regrets and heartbreak. Really open, honest talks about relationships and children and marriage, in quotes which, in approximately four hours time, will be appearing under the banner 'Cerys talks EXCLUSIVELY to us about love, life, and how she got her heart broken'...
9.33: Suddenly, a gang of terrorists breaks in and holds everyone to ransom! Seriously, we have ten minutes in which to transfer one million dollars and a nuclear warhead into their post office account or they're going to set their weather machine to 'BAD!' This is big news, people. And where are you? Watching the bloody football.
9.37: Advert break. I try once more to move one of the new tiny kittens living in my house off my knee, where he's proving not the best wrist rest in the world (too high) and sit him somewhere else. Within 5 seconds, he returns. Oh god, here comes the other one. If I start typing complete gibberish, you'll know why.
Well, and also because I'm bored. Obv.
9.42: "Party like a celebrity with Iceland" I would like statistics to back up that slogan, please.
9.45: Cerys and Gemma do some kind of trial where they have to fill a bucket of water to get a key. They half fill the bucket with water and then fill the rest with rocks. This too is apparently ok.
9.47: Past celebrities who have appeared on IACGMOOH; and other celebrities who have nothing to do with anything - oh, and Holly Hilloughby, hello Holly - talk about how they feel the remaining celebrities are doing.
Quite well, apparently. Thanks for that, celebrities.
9.52: The celebrities do a maths quiz, the prize for which is a chocolate cake. If they lose, Cockroaches will eat the cake. Do cockroaches even like chocolate cake? I thought they ate poo. Perhaps it is poo cake! They joke is on them!
9.55: Janice believes 20% of 60 to be 22. Sadly, this turned out not to be so, and the cockroaches get the cake. They love it. Poo cake!
9.58: Mysteriously, for a reward, Cerys gets given a guitar. She sings a song to the amassed celebrities. It is a nice song, and we get to hear all of it.
Cerys has a new album out. I wonder, could this nice song possibly be on it?
10.00 We're getting hear all the best bits of the Diary Hut. Most contain celebrities asking for laxitives, prunes, or other stool-related relief.
This is this pinnacle of British entertainment television, people. The national television awards said so.
Can't I just liveblog my new kittens instead?
10.06: It's an ad break. Oh look, Phil Collins has a Best Of out. What a big shock. It's amazing what someone in a gorilla suit can do for your flagging career.
I'm going to film someone liveblogging in a gorilla suit and stick it on the YouTube. You just wait and see how this blog will take off. Next week: TEN comments! No kidding! TEN! Maybe more! Maybe 12!
10.08: All the celebrities are talking about food that they're craving. Cheap chocolate is much in demand. As is, from Gemma Atkinson: "Have you ever had a pizza with, like, peppers and sausage and mushrooms and something and something ..." Oooh, yes, that sounds lovely "...and then covered it with a layer of chips? That's what I want"
What?! That's Vile! And she's tiny! Tiny and wee, with enormous breasts and a tiny waist and ... hang on, is that it? Are her breasts full of chips?
10.15: The seventh person to leave the jungle is ...
Oh who cares: I've had a request to blog my new kittens. Cat and Rabbit, as they are presently called (they were the only two bowls left in the pet shop) are now asleep, after having spent the last hour literally climbing over my head as I type. However one, cat, has chosen to sleep in a very precarious place on my knee, while Rabbit is perched on my shoulder like a parrot, if parrots had claws like tiny razors. This means I cannot move. My right arm is literally going dead as we s'[pea;'k.
Oh, you want to know? It's Gemma.
This is good. She's been banging on about wanting to go home for a couple of days, apparently, so this is the British public being kind. Or, perhaps, being bored by the home-whinging, for it is 'vote to win' not 'vote to evict', after all.
After the break, an interview. AND THEN THIS WILL HAVE FINISHED!
10.22: Gemma arrives in the interview treehouse, says how ready she is to go home. She's missed being able to phone her mum and tell her everything about what's been happening. So she's going to phone her mum and tell her all about it now. Her mum, I'm guessing, hasn't got a television.
10.24: We see Gemma's highlights. They are very impressive highlights. Especially in a bikiki. She's been just a nice, sensible young woman, as far as I can tell. The producers must be very very disappointed in how little she chose to wear that bikini, but Antandec say she's done very well.
Well done.
10.27: She would like Biggins or J to win.
We would like Biggins to win.
10.28: It's finished. It was, I thought, a bit flat - and there are only four people out there (and I love you dearly, don't get me wrong) but just because it was just a bit ... I don't know ... flat. Was it just me?
I hope not. The ratings are supposed to be good, so there must be some important magic that I'm missing. I will think on that. Back in a moment to sum up what we've learnt.
Post-10.30. So! What have we learnt 1) Gemma Atkinson is a nice young lady - if somewhat underwhelming in the interestingness stakes - who is not as bad at maths as Janice Dickinson is. 2) Her breasts are impressive specimens of the genre, which she refers to as puppies. 3) Putting chips on pizza is apparently a thing. 4) Either Iceland chocolate cake is made of poo, or cockroaches like chocolate. 5) I'm a Celebrity isn't as fun as we remembered it to be. Or as everyone seems to think it is. Or as kittens. 6) Monitor lizards are quite mean, close up. 7) The word penis is still funny even when you're closer to 30 than ten.
PENIS!
Thanks and good night. We'll meet again, don't know where - though quite possibly here - don't know when (although maybe next week at a similar kind of time), but I know we'll meet again some sunny day. All five of you
