I’ve been with my incredible wife for almost 20 years. We met later in life and already had our own families, but over time we’ve become one. My wife has always been an avid and talented swimmer, competing in competitions around the world. Her mind has always been razor-sharp too; she’s full of wit and kindness, and is certainly the joker of the family, but recently she’s been changing – seemingly without reason – and now I’m fraught with anxiety and worry for her.
My wife is a former teacher and retired two years ago, but over the last year or so she’s become noticeably different. She’s uncharacteristically struggling with her memory. Her ability to remember recent conversations or events seems almost non-existent. Her moods are increasingly unpredictable, too. It’s hard to tell from one day to the next if she’ll be happy, sad or something else entirely. I think it might be dementia, having witnessed my own mother live with the condition, but I don’t want to label anything without speaking to our GP. It wouldn’t be right or fair.
To add to my anxiety, my wife is also completely in denial about it all. She refuses to seek help and won’t confront reality. Her denials only increase, the more I raise the issue. It’s driving a wedge between us and I don’t know what more I can do. My wife means everything to me. How do I get her the help I believe she needs without alienating her and destroying our marriage?
A lost husband
Dear lost husband,
Your letter has stuck in my mind because the sheer love, care and pain you carry for your wife is so apparent. It’s also not the first time I’ve received a letter from someone worried about the spectre of dementia – showing that for so many of us, it’s a real concern. It’s no wonder that news of a revolutionary blood test – revealed this week – that could transform how Alzheimer’s disease is diagnosed is gaining so much attention.
It’s important to say that denial is a psychological reaction that enables a person to cope with a difficult situation, so it is entirely possible that your wife is not even aware that she is in denial. Some people with dementia also experience a lack of insight into their own symptoms, even if the difficulties they are having are very obvious to the people around them.
At some point, your wife may be able to acknowledge the symptoms she is experiencing, which will allow her to access the dedicated support she needs.
You are also undoubtedly right not to place an unofficial diagnosis of dementia – or any other condition, for that matter – on your wife without first having consulted medical professionals. Until your wife is properly assessed, there is no way to know for certain what is causing her symptoms.
Make no mistake, receiving an early and accurate diagnosis – for any health condition – is crucial. It allows people to access dedicated and tailored support for their situation, put the appropriate plans in place for the future – and, most important of all, to spend precious time with their loved ones.
It is understandable to compare the behaviour your wife is displaying to your mother’s experience of dementia, but I would urge caution in doing so without definitive answers. It will only add to your worry.
While we are all prone to being forgetful from time to time, particularly as we age, doing so consistently can be down to other health conditions – not just dementia, but things like stress, anxiety, depression and mild cognitive impairment, to name a few – all of which your doctor will have to rule out during an assessment.
But I want to impress on you more than anything that you are not alone. To help me write this response to you, I sought advice from experts at the Alzheimer’s Society. If you want advice on how to approach these conversations with a loved one or a GP, or simply to find out more about dementia, I urge you to contact them (or another specialist charity).
They have dedicated dementia advisers who will be able to listen to your circumstances and provide the most appropriate advice for your situation. Their symptoms checklist is also a tool that can help you in conversations with your GP – or help your wife explain to them how she’s been feeling.
When you married your wife, you took a vow to care for her in sickness and in health, and I can see that, without question, you are upholding this promise. Though the future may be uncertain, with you by her side, it will always be brighter. But please don’t be afraid to seek help and support if it becomes too difficult for you to carry.
I wish you both the best for whatever lies ahead.
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