Dear Vix,
I am a married man who loves his wife, but I also desperately want to reconnect with my old college female crush who friend-zoned me many years ago. My question is: do I reconnect, knowing that I have feelings for her?
My female friend is now 64. I met her at college when she was 24 and I was 19. I immediately fell in love with her, but she didn't want a sexual relationship with me. She put me in the friend zone. For about 15 years, this continued, even though she was fully aware that I had a crush on her and that I wanted a romantic relationship with her. She became my best friend, but it never developed sexually.
Eventually, I found a girl who loved me – and we married. I realised that having both would not work. If you marry someone, then you are obliged to commit to them. So, I lost contact with my old college friend. I haven’t seen her for 25 years.
Recently, however, I wanted to reconnect with her, just to talk about the old days. I found her on the internet and now we talk by phone (not over video links). Over the phone, she sounds like the girl I knew at college – and I am falling in love with her again. So far, we have just had a few innocent telephone calls, but I am contemplating seeing her face to face.
So, is it wrong for me to see her? I think she would be glad to see me – and I believe that she has no desire to have a sexual relationship with me. I want to see her again, but this feels wrong... even though it is unlikely to develop sexually. Deep down, I still have feelings for her – even though she does not have any for me. What is your advice?
Wistful
Dear Wistful,
If it feels wrong, it is wrong. I know you know that. It just depends how honest you are willing to be – not just with your wife, but with yourself.
I have a couple of questions for you that might help you work out what you should do: firstly, have you told your wife about this reconnection? And does she know the full story (about how you had feelings for this friend, long ago, but she friend-zoned you)? How does she feel about the fact that you’re talking to her again? Does she know? If not, why not?
What would you like – really like – to come out of meeting up with this old college crush? And what do you consider “cheating”? How about your wife – what does she consider “cheating”? Is it talking on the phone, sexting – is it physical romance? Would she be happy with the level of contact (which to some, could be considered an emotional affair) you’re engaging in with another woman outside of the marriage?
If the situation were reversed and your wife were keen to meet up with a man she was in love with, long ago, a man she’d recently rekindled a connection with, how would you feel? Would you be happy to meet up with this old college friend and bring your wife along to meet her, too? If not, why not?
I think that if you practice answering all of these, as honestly as you can (and you don’t have to show anyone, it’s just a lesson in self-reflection), you’ll understand your true motivations when you talk about meeting up. You already half-know – you’ve written that it “feels wrong” and that “deep down, you still have feelings for her”.
I would urge you to consider a few other things: firstly, all that you’ve got in your long marriage with your wife – and whether that is worth jeopardising for what is little more than a fantasy. Sure, it’s the ultimate daydream for a hopeless romantic – an old flame you’ve waited half a lifetime for! I don’t blame you for daydreaming about happily ever after.
But when we step into reality, things can suddenly look a little more jaded. For one – if we take your fantasy to extremes – the prospect of divorce isn’t quite as rosy. A long and painful road of grief and separation could await.
For two, you run the distinct prospect of having your heart crushed a second time, for this woman has (as yet) not given you any indication that she won’t “friend-zone” you, all over again. She is clearly enjoying talking to you, but she did the first time – as your friend. Do you know anything about her status? Is she married, widowed, divorced or consciously single?
It might be interesting for you to do a little reflecting on what this woman represents to you, right now; in terms of what you imagine she might give you, how happy you are and what you believe she might add. Is there something you feel is missing from your life as it currently stands?
Often, when people choose to embark on some kind of illicit romance, it’s not really to do with the other person at all – and has everything to do with how they feel about themselves. They might feel “numb” or “dead inside” and project those feelings of existential despair onto another person, hoping they’ll make them feel “alive” again. Then, when they realise another person (any other person) can’t change the way they feel about themselves – that only they can do that – they find themselves dissatisfied and disappointed and yearning for something different, all over again.
All that said and done, you have free will – you can choose to go and meet this woman. It might even help to pop the bubble of your fantasy when you realise she’s just a normal person, like the rest of us. But if you really want to remain committed to your marriage, then you shouldn’t be going alone. It’s too dangerous. And that’s not because she’s a woman (of course, men and women can be friends) but because of how you’ve already acknowledged you feel about her... or the idea of her.
And if you can’t quite muster up the courage or inclination to take your wife along with you, then I really don’t think you should be going at all.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
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