I’m having a dinner party with some friends – friends I’ve known for a really long time – but I’ve got myself in a state worrying about it. I’m stressing about the menu and whether the food will be “good” enough for them; I’m nervous about showing off my tiny flat – which is cute and cozy, but not exactly a palace – and I’m anxious that I won’t be a good host.
They all earn more than me and are used to the “finer” things in life – but I don’t have a clue about what wine to get and stuff like that I don’t even have matching plates! I’m so worried I won’t measure up. It’s honestly getting me so worked up, I’m losing sleep over it.
I really want to impress them, but I’m just so panicked I will fall short. The worst-case scenario is that they tease me and judge me and laugh at me and then talk about me behind my back. Please help.
Anxious Host
Dear Anxious Host,
Fret not: to deal with some of the more logistical elements of your letter, I’ve linked out to some expert recommendations above – from the best Christmas wines, ranging from a quality £6 bottle to delicious £40 treats, to how to host a stress-free dinner party for friends and loved ones.
The wine list should (hopefully) enable you to choose something that is within your budget and impresses everyone – while the practical tips on keeping things worry-free (by choosing something familiar to cook so you don’t do a Bridget Jones and end up with bright blue soup, to getting everyone to pitch in and help). I really hope those are of some practical use to you.
But I do want to zone in a little bit on the other parts of your letter – namely, your friends. I can’t help but wonder: if you’re this worried and worked up about your friends teasing you, judging you, laughing at you and talking behind your back, then why are they your friends?
I can’t quite tell whether you think there is a legitimate risk of them responding like that and if they’ve got form in acting that way, or whether it’s your own anxiety making you fear it irrationally – but I would gently say that real friends really shouldn’t be doing that to you.
And forget their higher earnings, their taste for the “finer” things in life... half the time the people who live that kind of lifestyle ache for a simple, home-cooked meal with people they love. Try and remember this: they’re coming for you, because they care about you – not because they’re expecting fancy china.
Sometimes our best friends do roast us, sure – I get that a lot with mine! But there’s a difference, I think, between humorous, good-natured teasing that our mates might pull out when they feel completely comfortable with us – and being cruel.
The only way to deal with this, to my mind, is to be honest. If one of your friends says something that hurts you and that feels unfair, please try – hard as it is – to call it out in the moment. It’s always worse to sit on it and stew, because it manifests as resentment. And then one day, long after everyone else has forgotten what was said, you might bring it up more explosively than if you had raised it on the spot.
You don’t have to be aggressive with it and it doesn’t have to turn into a big conflict. It’s sometimes handy to reflect it back as a question, for example: “Oh, really? Why do you say that?” – which should have the effect of making the person realise they’ve gone too far. Or, I’m a firm fan of simply stating how you feel: “I don’t really like it when you say that” always works. Or: “That hurts my feelings.”
I can almost guarantee that if you tell the truth about something that stings, the person will be full of remorse and apology. It’s good to stand up for yourself. It’s empowering.
But if your friends really are acting in a toxic way that leaves you feeling stressed and anxious, you might need to think about whether they’re worth the invitation in the first place. This might help.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
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