Imagine someone in your life — a parent, a sibling or a close friend — has found love after being lonely for a long time.
Maybe they're divorced or widowed or just never quite managed to find the right person for them, and they'd been longing for love.
And, all of a sudden, they're besotted with someone who tells them they love them and is promising them the world.
But something seems off to you.
It's not the fact they met this person on a dating app — that's very common these days — but it's been a while now and they've never met up face-to-face.
This new lover seems to always have an excuse for not meeting up in person or having a video call, but they've asked your loved one for money or told them all about an investment opportunity.
You begin to suspect that your loved one might be the victim of a romance scam.
But how can you be sure and how do you break it to that person without breaking their heart or driving them away?
Romance scams are costing Australians millions
You're not being cautious without reason — Australians lost more than $40 million to romance scams last year.
But those are only the losses reported to the ACCC's Scamwatch, so it's likely the true figure is higher.
In the last month alone, Scamwatch received 333 reports on romance scams, with losses topping $1.6 million.
Young people made more reports, but Boomers lost more money
This ACCC graph shows a breakdown of reports from 2022 across the different age groups — with the grey bars representing the number of reports and the red bar representing the amount of money lost:
The age group between 35 to 44 had the highest number of reports, followed by the 65+ age bracket.
However, the 65+ age group reported the highest amount of money lost,followed by the 55 to 64 age group.
The data shows significantly lower amounts, lost compared the number of romance scams reported by the 18 to 24 and 25 to 34 age groups.
ACCC Deputy Chair Catriona Lowe says the figures highlight the need for friends and family to talk more about scams.
"If you are concerned that someone you know could be involved in a romance scam, have a calm conversation with them," she says.
"Ask gentle questions about the nature of the relationship, such as why they haven't been able to video chat or meet in person.
"Warn them not to share personal photos or videos as these can be used by scammers to blackmail their victims and tell them to contact their bank immediately if they have lost money."
Scamwatch put out the warning to coincide with Valentine's Day, but ACCC figures show these kinds of scams are operating year-round.
Take time to understand the victim
But before you have the talk, it might help to get a better understanding of what your loved one is going through.
"We often talk about it being a bit like a domestic violence scenario and coercive control," Jacqueline Drew, an Associate Professor at Griffith University's School of Criminology and Criminal Justice, says.
"They systematically cut ties with anyone in the real world so they can perpetrate their scams without anyone trying to convince the person that this is a scam and that they shouldn't be sending money."
Victims are psychologically manipulated by the perpetrators, Dr Drew says, with the scammers making their victims dependant on their so-called relationship.
"We often talk about it like addiction, that it becomes an addiction for our victims," she says.
"Like a drug addiction or an alcohol addiction, they just can't get out of the cycle of this toxic relationship."
Dr Drew says perpetrators tap into the innate human need for connection and love.
"That's why it works so well, because it's a human need that all of us have to feel special, to be in a relationship, to be loved – and that's what they work off."
How do I tell a loved one they're being scammed?
We went to Relationships Australia for advice.
Althea Brunskill, director of operations Riverina Relationship Australia Canberra and region, says a "gently, gently does it" approach is best.
"People are very likely to get defensive quite quickly," she says.
"People are very likely to reject the idea that they've got caught up in something that sounds vaguely like abuse or coercive control or being had."
She says it could take a few conversations for someone to see that they've been victimised, rather than the person having an epiphany after a quick chat.
So there might not be big changes after your first chat, but hopefully they'll think and reflect on what you've said.
"Very often, what it does is plant a seed," she says.
"Say 'Listen, if you think any more about your situation, I'd be happy to talk about it'.
"You can only open the way for discussion — if that's rejected or shut down, try again another time."
Here are some of her tips:
Do your research:
Read up on the way perpetrators run romance scams so you can have examples to present to your loved one.
So you might start the talk with something along the lines of "I've been reading a lot about romance scams lately …"
Detail some of the things you've read about scammers, such as the ways they avoid video calls, come up with excuses not to have face-to-face meetings or how they request money from their victims.
"It gives you a conversation point," Ms Brunskill says.
"It removes the issue from the person you're concerned about and you're discussing it with curiosity."
Draw on case studies as examples:
Ms Brunskill says this provides scaffolding for the conversation.
If you know someone who knows someone who has been caught up in a romance scam, you could talk about that.
Or you could talk about one of the ABC's other stories about romance scams. Here are a few examples:
- Family of Perth woman detained in Japan says she's fallen victim to a 'sinister' love scam
- With selfies and food pics, scammers won Anthony's trust. Soon they had his savings
- Younger people fall victim to new breed of scammers using cryptocurrency and dating app
Be invitational
Set up the conversation as a discussion, instead of a lecture.
So ask them for their thoughts on the topic.
Prompts like:
- "I've been reading a lot about romance scams lately and I wanted to hear your thoughts …"
- "I've read that scammers prey on people who are vulnerable and I've been thinking about your situation and I wonder what you think..."
Outline the facts
But do it gently.
Saying something like "Here's a list of things that make me feel things are not right …"
Avoid blame
Come at it from a point of concern, not finger pointing.
So saying "I'm worried about you …" instead of "You're not paying attention!" or "How could you not see?"
"That's all saying, 'I'm right, you're wrong'," Ms Brunskill says.
"There's something very 'I win, you lose' in that and there's some shame attached.
"People feel incredible shame in these situations where they've been scammed.
"That's when people shut down."
Don't try to be a parent
This is particularly true if the person you're talking to is an ageing mother or father.
Already in a state of distresses, older parents might view this conversation as a role-reversal and react badly if they think their child is trying to tell them what to do.
Ms Brunskill says you can use the parental relationship to your advantage.
You could say something like: "You taught me about stranger danger and what's not right, and this doesn't feel right to me …"
Let them know you'll be there for them
Scammers can get more control over their victims when they feel alone or are cut off from those who want what's best for them.
So, even though it's hard, let them know you love them and won't abandon them.
You could say something like "I get that you were vulnerable and you made some choices that were not the right choices but I love you, I'm here for you when you need me and I would do anything to protect you".
Make sure you make it clear that, once they are ready to talk, you won't say "I told you so".
Be there in the end
Dr Drew has seen people left with nothing and no-one after falling victim to a scammer.
"So we often see victims come to us at the end of the day and say: 'I have nothing, my family will no longer talk to me, my friends won't talk to me because I've borrowed money from them as part of the scam'," she says.
"So they're left utterly devastated, which is why they often continue, despite at some point realising it is a scam because this person is the only person they have in their life.
"They're so psychologically dependent and isolated that they'll continue.
"The message we say to family and friends is that we know it's frustrating, we know that you've warned your loved one over and over again.
"But please find it in your heart to be there when the person realises that they have been scammed because that's when they're going to need you more than ever to provide them support."
How do you report a scammer?
People are encouraged to report scams to the ACCC's Scamwatch, regardless of whether they've lost money or not.
You can report cybercrimes to police through the Australian Cyber Security Centre's online reporting portal.
If you're concerned you're a victim of identity theft, you can contact IDCARE, a not-for-profit charity that describes itself as Australia's national identity and cyber support service.
The ACCC also recommends Lifeline for crisis support to help with emotional distress about scams and Beyond Blue for support for anxiety and depression.
