The X Factor 2009: the first audition show

The toothsome, denim-hotpanted Stacey, 19, seemed like a walking Essex cliche when she appeared on the X Factor stage. While Simon has used her town of Dagenham to abuse previous contestants, 'you think you’re Manchester United, but you are more like Dagenham', Stacey’s lightly-worn charm made her impervious to any judicial slights. The judges weren’t expecting much but her singing of What a Wonderful World was one of the strongest of the night, thus making her this year’s Susan Boyle - in her ability to surprise the judges, you understand Photograph: Ken McKay/PA

By day, he is a straight-laced schoolteacher from Reading, but by night, he frequents karaoke bars and clubs, which have made him what he is today, Danyl, the 'best first auditionee ever'. Notwithstanding his slightly annoying habit of hitting every note but the one that forms the tune, and jittering all over the stage, Danyl left the judges with the same feeling EMI must have had when they happened upon the Beatles. For those querying the provenance of the name Danyl, we can reveal it is a Hebrew word meaning 'God is my judge'. Or in this case God plus Louis, Cheryl and Dannii Photograph: Ken McKay/PA

Irish charm or teenage brattiness? When you tire of debating the intricacies of the Obama healthcare reform, you can switch to pondering this year’s other great debate, are The X Factor’s teen Dublin duo John and Edward, and their tousled towers of gelled hair annoying or intriguing; confident or cocky? The singing is average, but their banter well above and the ladies seem to like 'em Photograph: Ken McKay/PA

Next up it's 18-year-old Joseph, otherwise known as the Geordie Luther Vandross (according to the ITV press release). In reply to a question from Dannii, Joe winsomely replies, or rather smiles, that he just 'stumbled across my voice in karaoke'. Cheryl, sensing some sort of geographic proximity, discovers that Joe is indeed from South Shields, in her 'hood. Louis is so convinced that 'the girls will love you' that he says it twice Photograph: Ken McKay/PA

The not terribly self-aware Emma Chawner (rhymes with yawner) returns to try again, this time bringing her sister Samantha along to perform as, wait for it, Sister Act. They have, predictably, no chance. The pair were so dirigible-esque that it made rendering any jokes about their size impossibly cruel. So no one did. Nevertheless, the new arena setting made their experience all the more humiliating anyway. Maybe they should have sung something from Hairspray Photograph: ITV

Blonde and willowy, this pair kicked off proceedings in memorable style. Separately, they are Vaida and Rasita from Lithuania, who have been singing together since they were three. Together, they are Dreamgirls. Look at them! They had everything going for them – everything, alas, except the ability to carry a tune. As Simon opined, 'I don't know what cats sound like being squashed in Lithuania but I now have a pretty good idea' Photograph: Ken McKay/PA