SEND IN THE CHELSEA PLAYERS
As an unfunny tea-timely email that is regularly sent out at anything but the 5pm time that its title refers to, The Fiver is well used to being sworn at for doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. So it was with some sympathy that your perennially early/late but never actually punctual daily missive, greeted the news that Everton’s happy-go-lucky Bobby Martínez had to face the wrath of José Mourinho for conducting a briefing with journalists at a time when José Mourinho wanted to conduct a briefing with journalists.
“Effing hell,” barked Mourinho after his team’s 3-1 defeat on Saturday, in what has been reported as a furious, foul-mouthed outburst by sensitive-eared hacks who would never dream of using such Grown-Up Words themselves, and whose places of work are so genteel they are quite often mistaken for vicarages. But after the initial shock of hearing a football manager express his frustration like a normal human being, Bobby M was quick to regain his composure, delivering a zinger that The Fiver is unlikely to better so is happy to repeat verbatim here: “When he beat us 6-3 last season he was such a nice man. I prefer him like that,” chuckled the Everton manager as Mourinho stomped off down the corridor.
But if Mourinho really wants to complain about something doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, then he might perhaps focus his attention on his squad’s decision to transform into the Clown Division of Billy Smart’s Circus sometime at the beginning of August. With a bill of slapstick performers that consists of Branislav Ivanovic, the Amazing No-Armed Defender, Cesc ‘The Breathtaking Sleeping Man’, and which features Nemanja Matic’s hilarious act of appearing to be entirely lost at every possible moment, it’s no wonder the incredible collapsing Chelsea have been packing them in this season. With such a crowded schedule, there’s almost no room for Diego Costa’s specialist turn as the irritating bloke who goes around winding people up by pretending to throw a bucket of water at them, and who is lucky not to get a punch in the eye when it turns the bucket is actually full of confetti.
Still, at least Mourinho can count on the support of his son, who gave the old man his backing by tweeting several likenesses of Pierrot the crying clown the minute that Steven Naismith completed his hat-trick. Unless, of course, the fact that José Mourinho Jr chose that precise moment to tweet 15 emoticons crying with laughter meant something else entirely.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I have nothing to say about Peterborough United … The chairman has given me his support. That’s no surprise to Steve Evans” – Rotherham manager Steve Evans sets a new Commonwealth third-personning record in the process of refusing to discuss rumours he is set to leave.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I’m all for a proper rough-and-tumble football match, but surely the powers that be need to look at goalkeepers and their conduct when charging out of goal. This weekend had two players knacked in avoidable incidents – Ryan Mason’s looked less serious, but what Brad Guzan did to Nathan Dyer bordered on assault and could easily have broken his neck. If that had happened the other way around, Dyer would definitely have seen red. Ex-pros would probably argue that the ball was there to be won, but we’ve moved past that justification with tackles to focus on player safety, and it’s high time we did the same with reckless goalkeepers flinging themselves all over the place. Plus, it may benefit the keeper – they never seem to save it anyway” – Craig Fawcett.
“Re: ‘iFootball’ and Football League rebranding (Friday’s Fiver letters). Derby County seemingly already had a bash at that with the whole iPro Stadium thing. It appears not to have worked despite our deployment of a manager with fashionably overseas experience, possibly due to a dearth of Jobs-loving nerdlicious hipsters in the East Midlands, so I fear that the necessary market penetration will not be achieved outside of That London” – Louise Wright.
“The answer to the rebranding of the Championship is not obvious, but ad oculus. Rather than ‘iFootball’, call it ‘iClaudius’ and, in no time, you’ll have a nation transfixed (by Derek Jacobi limping around in a toga, stammering). In addition, you’ll have deceit, intrigue, petty squabbles, what passes for gladiatorial combat, the fate of empires, an oligarch roman, and a rich elite immune to the will of the people (who will continue to get milked to pay for the bread and circuses). You’ll have the same sad characters in an overhyped drama for months on end, but all ultimately feeling very staged, and with an outcome that is numbingly and tragically predictable. Pretty much your own version of the Premier League” – Basile Bailey.
“I’ve just googled the word ‘gesplürgeunked’ from Friday’s Fiver. I feared that it might return links to dubious websites displayed across my computer screen at work. Any passerby might notice but I took a chance anyway. Imagine my embarrassment when all that was returned was one link to … Friday’s Fiver” – Simon Baker.
• Send your letters tothe.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Basile Bailey.
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BITS AND BOBS
US prosecutor Loretta Lynch has warned that no individual is above the law as she brings her iron fist to bear on Fifa.
Jordon Ibe has raised two metaphorical fingers in the direction of Nigeria and has prioritised an England call-up, according to the Nigeria manager Sunday Oliseh. “He is certainly a player we like very much,” purred Mr Roy.
Ángel Di María has revealed that Louis Van Gaal-gah! was behind his decision to hop aboard the cross-Channel Do One Express. “I didn’t get on very well with the coach, so I think the decision to join Paris was the best solution,” he sniffed.
Wayne Rooney will miss Manchester United’s 1-1 Big Cup draw at PSV Eindhoven with hamstring-knack.
Former Partick Thistle defender Jordan McMillan has been banned from football for two years after engaging in some jazz-salt usage.
Mark Noble’s match preparations will last approximately four seconds longer now that he will have to pull on the West Ham captain’s armband before each match.
Rafael Benítez has comprehensively proved that he knows which side his bread is buttered by lauding Him as the best player in the world.
And Sergio Agüero has been ruled out of Manchester City’s Big Cup clash with Juventus after viciously attacking Scott Dann’s boot with his right knee.
STILL WANT MORE?
This week’s Premier League talking points blog features a photo of Watford’s Steven Berghuis giving himself a wedgie and Brendan Rodgers doing a rabbit impression, while also running the rule over the weekend’s football.
In between slurping espresso and slipping on tassled, leather loafers, Paolo Bandini has found time to write a roundup of the weekend’s Serie A action.
Fresh from eating his tea at five past midnight, Sid Lowe has cobbled together the weekend events from La Liga, including Lionel Messi’s latest feats.
Raphael Honigstein has put his würst down for long enough to rattle out a piece on the goings on in the Bundesliga, including a paean to Eintracht Frankfurt’s Mr Extra Ordinary.
Beware the supposedly inferior September Big Cup cannon fodder, Dominic Fifield warns José Mourinho.
Michael Cox hovered his tactical magnifying glass over Old Trafford on Saturday and didn’t like what he saw one bit.
Jeremy Alexander took a trip to the sunny seaside this weekend and discovered that Portsmouth are good fun again – and not just because they’ve got a bloke called Chaplin playing for them.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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