LEG-UPS AND PUT-DOWNS
Nobody likes a big snitchy tattle-tale grass. That’s what The Fiver’s mum always used to say, when she wasn’t repeatedly warning us about persistent personal hygiene problems, how we should leave those bongo mags in the hedge and that if we didn’t do our schoolwork then we wouldn’t amount to anything more than an unfunny tea-timely email. But apparently Barcelona’s mum didn’t tell them the same thing, because last week they ran crying to the law about nasty mean ‘orrible Paris Saint-Germain not playing fair, specifically in their pursuit of Neymar, whose bajillion-Euro transfer looks close to completion. Barça were backed up by the Spanish league, who in an admirable commitment to flamboyant levels of irony, kvetched that PSG must be receiving too much help from the Qatari government, and would also be reporting them to Uefa. Given how colossal a leg-up the authorities in Spain have given certain clubs, this is a little like The Fiver accusing rival (and very sadly defunct) daily email The Fourer of using hackneyed gags, dated references and tired formulas as a cheap attempt at humour.
But in some ways you can understand why Barcelona are being so very whiney about the whole thing. Because it seems the transfer that nobody thought would really happen, really is going to happen. PSG have the necessary coin ready to go, they’ve been shampooing the red carpet and are even apparently preparing a parade to celebrate Neymar’s arrival, presumably complete with a throne on which he’ll be carried through the streets by a phalanx of muscular servants. They also need to raise the funds to actually pay for their new toy, and are selling off any player who isn’t absolutely crucial or doesn’t bow down to the wonder and majesty of Neymar.
Which all seems a bit much for one player, but this is about more than just a single transfer, and more that one of the big boys, who thought they would always be big boys, is being bullied in a way not many thought was possible. Like the local squire complaining that the nouveau riche squirts who have just gazumped him for the manor house are ruining the neighbourhood, Barcelona are bound to be cross. Before now, anyone who Barça wanted to keep, they would keep. Not any more.
There’s been much talk of power shifts and whatnot, but this isn’t quite a moving of the tectonic plates, and won’t be until PSG start winning things, but this is more about Barça’s machismo being threatened. They are the kid who used to dish out the wedgies and the flushing of heads down the toilet, now being given an atomic wedgie and having their entire torso sent down the bog. And, like all spoiled kids who don’t get their way, they’re now squealing about it.
Neymar himself has been in Qatar, for what purpose one can only speculate, but he did take the time to post a quote from the Bible on Instachat. “I am not saying this because I am in need,” he can-I-get-a-Hallelujah’d. “For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” Inspirational stuff. Still, if Neymar is truly in touch with the Big Man, maybe he could have a word and get him to quiet down that whining noise coming from Catalonia.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
30 May: “I’ve got high hopes for him … For him to be a real success here we need to give him time and let him understand what this is all about” – Hearts director of football Craig Levein reflects on first-time manager Ian Cathro after their fifth-place finish in the Scottish Premiership.
1 August: “The board wishes it to be known that this was a very difficult decision, reluctantly made, as every member of the board recognises that Ian is an extremely talented young coach with a very bright future ahead of him” – four days before the start of the new league season, Cathro gets binned.
MUCH ADU ABOUT NOTHING
“It’s a joke … Marketing knew, the staff at the club knew … only the coach did not know who the triallist was. Whoever invited him, let him trial him. What is the point of having such a player? The CEO says that it’s marketing. We may as well have Janusz Chomontek [a Polish football freestyler]” – we could be wrong but, reading between the lines, we don’t think Radoslaw Mroczkowski, manager of newly promoted Polish club Sandecja Nowy Sacz, is entirely on board with Freddy Adu joining his team.
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FIVER LETTERS
“This summer I’ve taken The Fiver up on its exhortation to Stop Football! I’ve paid no attention to the game since the middle of May, other than allowing myself to read the last published Fiver of each calendar month during my hiatus. However, when I read two items in yesterday’s Fiver about my team, the no-longer-so-mighty Charlton Athletic, I worried that I had missed a new slant to your reporting and that The Fiver had become a Charlton-centric tea timely email. Thus, I plunged down the rabbit hole and read each July Fiver. My verdict: not enough CAFC and too much Noble Francis” – R Reisman.
“Like the Unknown Stuntman (yesterday’s Fiver letters), I was the boss (in a frozen food emporium) who heard tales of woe and misery from those who fancied a Friday night off to go on the Tin. One day I answered the phone to a suspiciously youthful sounding fellow who said: ‘Louise is ill, she won’t be in tonight.’ ‘Who are you?’ I asked. ‘Her father,’ was the reply. We had two young ladies called Louise at the time, so I said: ‘Which Louise are you talking about?’ At this point a flummoxed youth covered the mouthpiece (unsuccessfully) and said: ‘What’s your surname?’ When I asked why he didn’t know his own daughter’s surname, the phone was mysteriously dis-connected. Ah, youth” – Tracey from Leicester.
“It would be hard to trump the ‘calling in sick’ reminisces of The Unknown Stuntman. However, I do recall with amusement one such call I was involved in many years ago when I first came to London. There was a young fellow living in the hostel where I stayed who could be a bit of a pain but was otherwise generally harmless. One day he decided he couldn’t be bothered to go to work so he gave me his work number and asked me to call his boss on his behalf. ‘Hello … yes, I’m calling on behalf of Mark … he won’t be in today because he’s sick.’ Easy. You owe me a beer. However, the boss then asked me what was ‘wrong’ with Mark. Thinking on my feet I said the first thing that came to mind: ‘Vomiting and diarrhoea.’ I informed Mark of the details of the call but couldn’t resist the opportunity to change one small detail – ‘I told him you had a bad migraine.’ The following evening Mark approached me with a rather dark look on his face. Turns out there had been an awkward conversation after his boss had enquired after his ‘dodgy tummy’. He never asked me to call up on his behalf again” – Allastair McGillivray.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Allastair McGillivray.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
A film on the survival and rise of Brighton & Hove Albion.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
Clown cars, Ronald McDonald shaking hands with Jesse Lingard and Richard Scudamore hiding in a sewer: it’s David Squires on the old 39th game wheeze.
BITS AND BOBS
Bad news for England goalkeeper Karen Bardsley: she is suffering from the severest case of leg-knack, and will therefore miss the remainder of Euro 2017.
Pep Guardiola has flicked through his Big Book O’ Maverick Plans, and is going to take Manchester City on a pre-season tour to Spain, the day after the season starts. Still a better idea than picking Jesús Navas at right-back, mind.
A slightly less ‘out there’ plan is to get rid of midfield trundler Fernando, who’s off to Galatasaray, apparently. Following him out of the door is Kelechi Iheanacho, who’s all set to leave Pep’s warm embrace and join Leicester City instead.
If you’ve not got round to watching it yet, get a load of José Angel’s own goal and a half.
And Carlton Cole – hi Carlton! – has hit back at Persib Bandung manager Umuh Muchtar over criticism of the striker’s performances for the Indonesian club. “The manager didn’t bring me here and he doesn’t want me to play,” sniffed Cole. “I have the full backing of the board. There’s a war going on in the club that I am a part of … It’s very political, but I want to carry on here and progress with the team. I get the blame for everything. I am flabbergasted.”
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
The relentless march towards the reintroduction of the all-powerful Premier League continues apace: and here are some more pre-season previews to help brace you for it. Ben Fisher shows you what Brighton have in store, while Paul Wilson shows you round Burnley.
But there is football ‘neath the Premier League, it says here. Ben Fisher has been told of this mythical ‘League Two’ thing and will tell you all about it.
Why are foreign footballers snapping up lower-league USA! USA!! USA!!! soccerball teams? Adam Elder has more.
Stave off the horror of the real world and take a trip to the footballing fantasy land that is the Rumour Mill.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
