I have been on a holiday. A family one, with children, so not really a holiday. There were actually a few good times, but mostly it was about survival. A couple of low points: our one attempt to eat out. I could feel the pity, but mostly burning hatred, from the other diners whose nice pub lunch had been ruined by the ghastly family from London with two small boys. And camping: more like MMA in a tent. It didn’t help that there were four people in a two-person tent, so it was essentially double-decker sleeping with their mother and I playing the part of the airbed. One morning, I was woken by the smaller boy locking on to my nose like a crocodile going into its death roll.
So I’m watching The Three Day Nanny (Channel 4) with a special interest. In Nottinghamshire, Chris and Becky Scott are being given a proper and familiar pummelling by their own little effers, Bobbie and Freddie, three and two. They are “literally at breaking point”, says Becky.
Three Day Nanny to the rescue! Kathryn Mewes speeds up in her little blue vintage Mini with her little green vintage bag, her odd way of pronouncing “mischievous” (like it has an extra I, mischievIOUS). Plus her own inevitable misuse of “literally” (“They’re literally taking chunks out of each other”).
With Chris, it’s pretty straight-forward; he’s just doing it wrong. One punishment, the naughty corner (steps appear to be over), to fit all crimes, from not leaving the table to taking a chunk out of a brother or a parent. So Kathryn basically sends Chris to his own naughty corner to have a think about what he’s done wrong, before setting him on the right path: incentives and giving positive feedback, etc. Becky is more complicated. Her total inability to implement any kind of discipline and lack of confidence stems from her experiences of being bullied as a child. The tragic irony is that by not being firmer with her sons she’s allowing them to become exactly the kind of boys she doesn’t want them to be and who are the root of many of her own issues. It’s like some kind of evil Darwinism by which bullies breed more bullies, even if they don’t share the same genes. It may or may not currently be happening in the Labour party.
Anyway, Becky is more anxious than any mum Kathryn has worked with. “There is a very capable woman in there, of looking after her two sons,” she says. “It’s not a quick fix; she can get there, but it’s going to be a long journey…”
Oh. But hang on, you’re not Long Journey Nanny, Kathryn; you’re Three Day Nanny. Quick fix is supposed to be what you’re all about. Have you just made a bit of a mockery of the premise of your own show? And may it not really be possible to turn out-of-control stressed-out families into confident, happy ones in 72 hours?
Hey, it’s television entertainment, which requires a device, and a journey, even if that device and journey may not be 100% believable. So, by the end, all is calm and good round the Scotts’. Chris has expanded his punishment repertoire and learned to praise good behaviour, too. Becky has got to a stage where she can not only leave the house and go to the playground with the boys, but once there she will even allow the two of them to play away from each other and from her on different pieces of equipment. Swings and roundabouts, literally, if not figuratively.
Even if you don’t totally believe this happy-families journey, Three Day Nanny does have some good advice and tips. About allowing kids space and freedom – that makes a lot of sense. And I’ll definitely be adopting her firm “You choose: give it back, or bedroom”, especially next time “it” is my own nose.
Ha, I think Freddie just said “bedroom”, electing punishment over giving something back. Little monster. I like Freddie. That’s another thing about these shows: they make you realise that maybe you don’t have it so bad after all.
Even so, if you’re reading, Kathryn, I don’t suppose you’re free to come to Wollaston Family Holiday 2, next month. Even just the first three days of it, if that fits in better with your shtick. More camping I’m afraid, but France this time, so the weather might be better. And we are thinking of investing in a bigger tent.
