KUN’ELL
Having learned on Thursday night that Benjamin Mendy was facing a lengthy spell on the sidelines with knee-knack, Manchester City fans could at least console themselves with the knowledge that their in-form striker was almost certainly tucked up in bed before Saturday’s big match against Chelsea and almost certainly not attending a concert in Amsterdam on a night out that would end with him sustaining rib-snap when a car in which he was being shuttled back to the airport collided with a lamp-post. After all, that would be a completely preposterous scenario? A chain of events so outlandish and ludicrous that it could have no conceivable basis in reality? One so implausible that any media outlets reporting it first thing on Friday morning could be dismissed as purveyors of Fake News, eh? Oh.
Those same City fans woke up to the weird news that only two sleeps before City’s biggest Premier League match of the season to date, their star goal-getter had in fact been knacked in a collision in the Dutch capital after attending a gig by the Colombian singer-songwriter Maluma, a smouldering Latin crooner who, despite occasional forays into reggaeton, would like it to be known he is not a reggaetonero, specifically, but also a purveyor of other genres including “ballads, mambo, merengue and underground stuff”. But The Fiver digresses: Sergio’s chances of mambaing his way through another Maluma gig, breaking Eric Brook’s Manchester City goalscoring record or indeed sneezing, laughing or even breathing without yelping in extreme pain any time soon have been put on hold.
“The taxi driver did not see the curve and skid,” Agüero was quoted as telling Argentinian radio. “And when he skidded, we hit him with the pole. I broke my rib, now I’m resting. It hurts me badly. I’ll be discharged in a little while.” The news has prompted thousands of unqualified doctors to speculate on the length of Agüero’s absence via an array of social media aberrations (“the number of days he will be out, I don’t know,” sighed Pep Guardiola), but what it does mean is that the late Brook’s record will remain intact a little while longer. Which, in a weird way, seems almost fair as his goalscoring exploits were curtailed prematurely by both the outbreak of the second world war and a fractured skull.
Since news broke of Agüero’s accident, the kind of people who describe gigs as “pop concerts” have been wondering what on earth a professional athlete was doing at such a soiree so soon before a big game, when he should have been spending his evening off at home with his feet up relaxing. Pity them, for they know not that the rhythm is gonna get you. And, as another Latin crooner Gloria Estefan once sagely pointed out, when it does there’s no way you can fight it every day.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We did our due diligence before we put these logos to the membership and as I said, we are perfectly comfortable” – far be it from The Fiver to give airspace to Ukip chairman Paul Oakden, but something suggests we haven’t heard the last of their – somewhat familiar – new logo.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVER LETTERS
“If Carlo Ancelotti has been sent ‘skittering down Werner-Heisenberg-Allee’ (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) then, based on the famed Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, which states that neither the position nor the momentum of an object can be measured simultaneously with infinite precision, does this mean that we don’t truly know whether Ancelotti has actually been booted?” – Bob Zoellner (and others).
“I certainly can’t be the only one who is sorely disappointed with the lack of respect shown by the suits at Bayern Munich. Surely one as venerable as Carlo Ancelotti should have at least been invited to mach ein or fanne uno before skittering away. Sad!” – Guy Robert (and one other).
“After the mention of It’s a Wonderful Life (yesterday’s Fiver) I was inspired to start to write a witty email about my love of the film, and maybe a pun on Real Madrid’s poor start to the season and any whining of the players meaning that they are Zizou’s petals. But in the end I thought ‘sod it’ and just scribbled down: bring back the TV and radio guide” – Simon Dunsby.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
BITS AND BOBS
Ronald Koeman is stuck in a deep funk after Everton’s 2-2 draw with 10-man Apollon Limassol in Big Vase. “They are afraid of playing,” Koeman thundered. “We know the fans like us to go forward, not back, back, back.”
Dele Alli has been given a one-match ban for “making an offensive and unsporting gesture” in England’s match against Slovakia. Fifa also fined Alli 5,000 Swiss francs, but did not conclude that his single-digit salute was aimed at the referee.
Jürgen Klopp wants to Stop Football – if only for Christmas Eve. “I really cannot imagine that anyone wants to watch football on that night,” Klopp mused in response to the planned rescheduling of Liverpool’s festive trip to Arsenal. “Sky has to make a decision if they really want to do this.”
José Mourinho says Paul Pogba’s case of hamstring-twang is “long term”, bracketing the midfielder with Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Marcos Rojo, who are both due to be out until December.
England women have appointed Mo Marley as their new interim head coach, following the sacking of Mark Sampson. Marley, a former England captain, led the under-19 side to European Championship success in 2009.
Steve Cotterill is on to his eighth Football League club after replacing ‘Arry Redknapp as Birmingham City manager. “We have every faith in Steve Cotterill to help us achieve the ambitions we all share,” tooted chief suit Ren Xuandong.
In more new manager news, Chesterfield have appointed Jack Lest … wait … what’s this? Oldham have only gone and interviewed Clarence Seedorf for their vacancy!
And former Margate striker Freddie Ladapo could make his Crystal Palace debut at Old Trafford, with no other fit forwards available. “The fact he’s training every day and he’s a centre forward puts him very much in the frame,” whooped Mr Roy.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
“I have a lot of tattoos, 90% have a meaning” – Manchester City’s Danilo gets his chat on with Jamie Jackson. We’re just wondering about the other 10%.
Fans of all numbers other than 10 will be disappointed by the latest Premier League things to look out for this weekend.
When Chelsea won a league game and a Wembley cup final in the same weekend. By Steven Pye.
Andy Brassell on Bayern and Carlo Ancelotti.
Simon Burnton on Watford boss Marco Silva.
Get your fingers around the quiz of the week.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
