1) Nick Cusack, Fulham 1-0 Scarborough (Endsleigh League Division Three, 13 January 1996)
Twitter is the root cause of world gone wrong, in our heart we all know that, but it does have one thing to commend it: the Crap 90s Football feed is the most reliable comedy since Larry David went into hibernation. It is full of clips of utter ineptitude from primeval swine with more hair on the bottom than the top; it’s a world in which a goalmouth scramble can morph seamlessly into a goalmouth rumble; a world full of goals so comically bad that they would give Tubes an instant orgasm.
The lower-league stuff is particularly endearing. If you look up synonyms of ‘crap’, one of them is ‘Endsleigh League’. (We jest of course. These people were infinitely better at football than we will ever be, which makes their scruffy endeavour all the more amusing.) Everyone will have their own favourite, but the Joy of Six has a soft spot for Nick Cusack’s goal against Scarborough. In truth the goal belongs to the keeper Ian Ironside, who goes to preposterous lengths to save a corner, and then compounds his original misjudgement not once but twice by chasing after the ball, diligently digging a deeper hole. In his defence, he did save the corner.
A warm welcome to new follower @safc. Do you still play football like this? pic.twitter.com/403w3Gqe9e
— Crap 90s Football (@Crap90sFootball) October 6, 2016
2) Jason Cundy, Ipswich 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur (Premier League, 30 August 1992)
Sometimes defence is the best form of attack. There is a sub-genre of comedy goal – also featuring Scott Nisbet’s legendary offspinner that almost helped Rangers to to the Champions League – that comes from nothing more than a defender doing his job with a crunching tackle or interception that somehow ends with the ball in the net.
When he walloped a clearance over Craig Forrest from 50 yards, Minder villain Jason Cundy broke into a confused growl, as if he didn’t know whether he should celebrate or not. If only he had a better poker face, or he wasn’t renowned for his rustic style of play, he might have been able to claim he meant it. In that parallel universe, it was as life-changing as David Beckham’s goal from the halfway line.
He is now best mates with Tom Cruise; he is marred to her out of En Vogue; his aftershave, Intimately Cundy, is available in all good discount aftershave stores; his film, Crack It Like Cundy, was “pure exuberant fun!” according to Roger Ebert; and you don’t need to ask which branded H&M underpants the Joy of Six is wearing today.
(See also: spare a thought for Peter Litchfield. To be beaten once by a beastly up-and-under from the halfway line may be regarded as misfortune...)
3) Roberto Boninsegna, Brazil 4-1 Italy (World Cup final, 21 June 1970)
Brazil 1970s are the greatest attacking team of all time, so it’s no surprise they are responsible for the greatest video on YouTube. It’s not what you might think however: this collection of their incompetence during the tournament, soundtracked by the jauntily sinister Trololo, will never cease to release endorphins. In aiming so high they plumbed some glorious depths, none lower than Italy’s goal in the final. After some freestyle faffing, their No5 put the clod in Clodoaldo with an absurd backheel that allowed Boninsegna to lumber towards goal. What followed was like a Benny Hill football sketch, and a magnificent fiasco on the grandest stage. Brazil, and especially Clodoaldo, just about redeemed themselves in the second half.
4) Mike Hanke, Schalke 04 2-3 Bayer Leverkusen (Bundesliga, 17 April 2004)
You know what they say: you are never more vulnerable than when you’ve just scored. That’s particularly true if you are a goalkeeper who has just scored a penalty, like Hans-Jorg Butt, and are off on a lap of honour, thinking about what you’ll call your world tour, while the opposition are about to kick off. You can make your own gags. The Butt of all the jokes; Butt made an arse of himself; the Butt stops here, about 30 yards from his own goal, drinking in the adulation as the ball sails slowly over his head and into the net.
5) Brian McClair, Sheffield Wednesday 3-2 Manchester United, (Division One, 26 October 1991)
This is the kind of goal for which the phrase “they all count” was invented. It’s best watched with the background accompaniment of BBC Essential Comedy Sound Effects, Vol.1. PARP! You thought Brian McClair’s first goal was bad? Have a look at this. HONK! Bryan Robson’s shot is blocked by Carlton Palmer but he manages to divert the rebound across goal. DONG! The usually immaculate Roland Nilsson stretches to divert the ball against his own post. CLANG! Carlton Palmer and Paul Warhurst fall over each other in the line. Carlton! BEEP! McClair almost misses from 0.0001 yards but eventually stabs it in off Palmer. TISH! United eventually lose the title because of two equally weird goals in Sheffield later in the season.
6) Franck Queudrue own goal, Bastia 1-3 Lens (Ligue 1, 7 April 2001)
We weren’t going to cover own goals – house genius Scott Murray did those a few years ago – but come on, the state of this. John Dreyer, eat your heart out.
