BIBBIDI-BOBBIDI-BOO
In his brief time on these shores Diego Costa has flung his arms at opponents, trod down on them with his studs, caressed them ouchily with his forehead, assaulted them with his mouth (in a verbal, non-Suárez way), backed into them, fronted up to them and generally reduced them to wrecks with his villainous apache death stare, and on Sunday he added another weapon to his growing arsenal, attacking his own manager with what can only (well perhaps not only) be described as the floaty pink bib of doom.
Before the word was ever applied to the flimsy fabric vest handed to non-playing footballers to make sure nobody thinks they should be running around on the field, bibs were tied around the necks of infants to stop them soiling themselves with the filthy mush that oozes unwittingly out of their half-witted heads, particularly when they launch into one of their many wild, irrational strops. Chelsea’s kit man must have been unsure which kind Costa most needed. Here, it seems, is a player who demands to be furnished with every variety of bib available, except perhaps the common European inshore fish of the cod family also known – perhaps pertinently – as a pouting.
Just a few months ago this same footballer completed his first season in England shrouded in glory having banged home 20 league goals as his side romped to the league title. Now his performances demand less a shroud of glory, and more a permanent all-over body-bib, the better to hide his shame as he labours on the fringes of his club side while also protecting the world from his violent assaults, all-round grumpiness and occasional floaty-trainingwear-based attacks.
Having started the season, after Chelsea finished runners-up in the Community Shield, by tossing his reward into the crowd and dismissing it as “the medal for the loser”, José Mourinho could hardly condemn Costa’s scorn for the pink bib, which like the manager’s silverware at Wembley was the physical embodiment of his failure. And indeed he didn’t. “If he wants to hurt me it would not be with a bib,” he said, adding: “For me his behaviour is normal.” And this, at least, is true. That this should happen at White Hart Lane of all places is however not normal. It was on this very ground, after all, that Tim Sherwood flung his gilet at his own bench during Tottenham’s defeat to Arsenal in March 2014. These are literally the only notable occasions of garment-related bench abuse in recent top-flight history, and that both occurred during London derbies at the same venue is unlikely to be coincidence.
There is something about these games and that stadium which spells very occasional peril for clothing and benches alike, and The Fiver is at a loss to explain what that thing might be. Of course, humanity’s traditional response to things that demonstrably exist but can’t really be explained is to think of a far-fetched story about them and call it religion – and happily, given that the floaty pink bib of doom brushed the shoulder of a self-appointed “Special One” with a remarkable gift for rampant self-mythologising, we would seem to be well on our way to one already. It’s probably fair to say that Costa is currently agnostic.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s the kind of story that if we made it up, people wouldn’t believe it. His achievements are incredible and to break the Premier League record with such a sublime goal against the biggest club in football pushed him to the top of our agenda” – having disgraced Hollywood with his Goal! trilogy, screenwriter Adrian Butchart now hopes to turn Jamie Vardy’s rags-to-riches tale into Multiplex-bothering material.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Watching Wayne Rooney in Louis van Gaal’s United side is how I imagine Robert De Niro starring in a Woody Allen film would be: very occasional flashes of good stuff undercut with an inescapable feeling that they’d both be out of a job if it wasn’t for people hoping they might still recapture past glories, then coming out of the viewing to the drone of aficionados trying to tell me that what I just watched wasn’t dull” – Jason Tew.
“I would like to revive the conversation about the rush/stick/fly goalie system (Fiver letters passim) by mentioning yet another interesting variation. When we were wee lads at a Catholic school in south India, we followed a practice called ‘goalie change’. Aptly named, this involved any player in the box shouting the phrase ‘goalie change’ a moment before stopping the ball with one’s hands. Needless to say, the interval between the cry and the handling was often miniscule, leading to great controversy and occasional fisticuffs” – Aju Basil James.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Jason Tew, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016 courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got loads more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Lionel Messi, Neymar and Him have been nominated for the 2015 Long-Winded-Frenzy-of-Self-Congratulatory-Back-Slapping award, or Ballon d’Or as it is sometimes known. Carli Lloyd, Aya Miyama and Celia Sasic are up for the women’s world player of the year prize.
Griffin Park calculator-wielders have decided that Walsall’s Dean Smith ought to become the new manager of Brentford. “We are disappointed to lose Dean,” said chairman Jeff Bonser. “He is the fourth longest serving manager in English football and would have been at the helm for five years in January.”
Championship cellar-dwellers Bolton, who host the Bees on Monday night, have failed to cough up the first-team squad’s November wages. “This is due to a short-term funding issue,” blabbed board adviser Trevor Birch.
Arsène Wenger reckons Alexis Sánchez’s hamstring-twang had nothing to do with flogging him like an overly enthusiastic and exceedingly loyal horse and everything to do with bad luck. “Do I regret playing Sánchez? No – the players are there to play football not to be rested when the press decide they need to be rested.” Here’s the latest prognosis.
Phil Neville is furiously flicking through his Collins Spanish phrasebook after being thrust into the caretaker manager role at Valencia due to head coach Nuno seeing himself out of the door marked Has Uno.
Disparaging the boot is a bootable offence! Still, Barcelona have filed an official complaint after former Real Madrid players – and now pundits – Manolo Sanchís and Poli Rincón backed Isco for punting Neymar in the clásico. “FC Barcelona believes these statements to be an incitement to violence,” huffed a club statement.
Steaua Bucharest coach Mirel Radoi has quit after a 1-0 loss to leaders FC Astra left them fifth in Liga I. “I take full responsibility for everything that happened and it’s time to leave,” he sniffed.
And Sergio Agüero may miss Manchester City’s match with Stoke next weekend after picking up foot-knack against Southampton.
STILL WANT MORE?
Fresh from the oven, your 10 Premier League talking points.
Valencia are out on a Lim after Nuno’s exit, reports Sid Lowe. Well, the abysmal pun’s not Sid’s, so at least save him that.
Goals of the week, goals of the week, goals of the week … GOALS. OF. THE. WEEK.
Like a happy Grecian 2000 customer, Juventus are revitalised up top, writes Paolo Bandini, in these Serie A talking points that are holding fort until he writes his proper blog on Napoli v Inter.
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