MEN MAKE THEIR OWN HISTORY
Garet Yug-Vorota wakes from a deep deep-woke sleep and smiles as he peers out of the window of his five-star Hertfordshire dacha with holistic spa facilities, fine, bistro and alfresco dining options, and affordable championship golf. He glances down at the three lions on his pyjamas, each of them a gleaming symbol of resistance, to totalitarianism, to fascism, to capitalism. They remind him of the popular workers’ anthem by the Lightning Seeds, a subtly rejigged version of which he’s been playing to his squad every morning before training, with a new melody based on Dmitri Shostakovich’s Symphony No 7 in C major (Leningrad) and no lyrics. “Tee hee hee,” chortles Garet, tapping his toe. “We’re just 180 minutes away from total liberation of the urban proletariat. Actually now I come to think about it, maybe we’ll need extra-time and penalties too.”
As Karl Marx, Friedrich Engels and Terry Venables have all previously observed, in bourgeois society, the past dominates the present, while in Communist society, the present dominates the past. That’s great news for Garet and his comrades, who unlike Denmark – or indeed the CCCP – have never before won the European Championship. “Has it ever come home? I mean, have you ever won it?” asks Kasper Schmeichel before Wednesday evening’s Wembley showdown, brazenly basking in the achievements of his forefathers, something you won’t have caught anyone in England ever doing since 1918, 1945 or 1966. No good can come of such decadent, navel-gazing complacency, and so with victory tonight, Bukayo Saka expected to take the place of Jadon Sancho, Garet would inch ever closer to the realisation of his revolutionary dream!
Thing is, Garet’s revolution, his desire to free the English public, amounts to nothing much more than politely asking everyone to maintain a base level of decency, without flying hot-faced off the handle whenever someone points out that the playing field isn’t always plumb. It’s not too much to ask. But if Yug-Vorota’s team hear even a single boo peep upon making their outrageous pre-match Bolshevik request for everyone to try their best to be reasonable, thoughtful and nice, here’s hoping they keep that reaction in mind and, should they prevail against the Danes, then sensationally put an end to Italy’s long unbeaten run on Sunday, deliver the coup de grâce: lift the Henri Delaunay Trophy while taking the knee. What an indelible mark on English folk history that would be, and imagine the mental gymnastics they’d have to perform. Godspeed, comrades!
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
The EN 2020 rolling blog is here, while Paul Doyle will be on hand with hot MBM coverage of England 2-1 Denmark from 8pm BST.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I thank the players because they believed right from day one that we could create something incredible. We haven’t done everything we need to. There’s still one step to go. Now we have to rest up because this really was very challenging. I did say to them before the match this would be our hardest game of the competition because when you go into your sixth match in such quick succession with all the travelling that we’ve had to do it does become very tiring” – Robbie M hails his Italy team after their semi-final penalty shootout win over Spain.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest edition of EN 2020 Football Daily is here for your ears.
FIVER LETTERS
“While watching England v Ukraine, the man on the barstool next to me wouldn’t stop howling in joy every time Harry Kane placed a pass nicely, scored a goal, comforted a child, saved a cat, baked a cake, etc. He explained his exhortations by saying: ‘The better he plays, the more money we get from Man City this summer.’ Can we STOP FOOTBALL?” – Seth Kleinschmidt.
“Look, I so want Southgate and co to do what Southgate and co couldn’t in 1996. But I also want Schmeichel and co to repeat what Schmeichel and co did in 1992. It’s a bit sad that one of these teams must lose. Ah, well, at least I don’t have to root for bloody India, which is probably the most heartbreaking thing in the world to have to do” – Avinash Subramaniam.
“I was astonished that Smith Onyema was not selected as letter o’ the day (yesterday’s Fiver letters). There is a limit to the amount of rejection that one man can take” – Rob Taylor.
“Take care, Fiver – it is my belief that Smith Onyema is nothing more than a charlatan and film-flam man. For a modest fee, payable in advance to defray the expenses I intend to incur, I am prepared to undertake the job of tracking him down on your behalf” – Steve Allen.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Seth Kleinschmidt.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Luis Enrique is trying to put a brave face on Spain’s exit. “It’s not a sad night for me,” he sighed. “Not at all. Of course there’s disappointment but that’s elite football. You have to be able to win and lose. I said at the start we were one of the eight teams that could have won it. I don’t think I was wrong about that.”
There is confidence in the England camp. “I feel like when I am playing at my best I can score goals or provide assists against anyone,” tooted Harry Kane.
Don’t call Denmark underdogs, mind. “I don’t like the underdog mentality,” barked head coach Kasper Hjulmand. “Our mindset is not like an underdog. We are out to create chances and attack. We have the mentality that we can go out and beat whoever we are playing.”
And having done the square root of sod all to help Denmark in their time of need, Uefa has invited Christian Eriksen and the medics who saved his life to Sunday’s final. “I’m excited, like a child on Christmas Eve,” said Peder Ersgaard. “I’m very proud of my efforts, but also of the whole team. It wasn’t a one-man effort.”
NON EUROS BUSINESS
Argentina v Brazil will be quite the Copa América final chaser after the EN 2020 climax, Emiliano Martínez the hero in a shootout against Colombia. Oh Arsenal!
And poor old Manchester City are being priced out of the market for a striker to replace Sergio Agüero, according to Pep Guardiola. “At the prices [quoted] we are not going to buy any strikers,” he sobbed. “It is impossible, we cannot afford it.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Álvaro Morata, a redemption story and accident waiting to happen all in one striker. By Sid Lowe.
Duke Roberto Mancini turned tinkerman but Italy are still in the final, writes Barney Ronay.
England need to Make Wembley Great Again, roars Barney as well.
Meet the team behind the England team.
McDonald’s, beers, the beach: how Denmark won Euro 92, by Henrik Larsen, their top scorer.
Longer-range own goals than Pedri, plus a lot more in this week’s Knowledge.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
