You meet someone. You fall in love. Everything is new, exciting, special. Then, slowly, it starts to fade. It’s an uncomfortable reality, but a reality nonetheless for many couples - and it’s a topic Mel Robbins tackled on her podcast with divorce lawyer James Sexton.
In the episode, James, aka social media’s nycdivorcelawyer, who has amassed a huge following through his online presence and books on divorce and relationships, shared his simple yet profound advice for keeping a relationship alive.
He explains, reversing that spiral of resentment or feeling of settling starts with "small, small actions" that "costs nothing [and] takes five seconds to do."
It can include sending a text in the day telling your partner you heard a song that reminds them of you, or leaving a note for them before you go to work. It’s all about reversing the cycle that many couples can fall into of building up resentments or taking each other for granted.
In the podcast episode, Mel puts to James a scenario that, perhaps to many couples, is quite relatable.
You’ve had the fairytale, you’ve had the honeymoon period, "now you're in maintenance, now you're noticing the resentment is hitting, you're disconnected, you're not having sex, you're annoyed at your favourite person all the time. You wish it wasn't this way, but it's starting to feel like, will we ever get back?"
James, citing his experience of seeing all manner of relationships throughout 25 years of experience in divorce law, starts off by reassuring anyone in that position they aren’t alone.
He told Mel, "You're where most people are. And you probably got there by this succession of small choices that created this, what I would call a downward spiral" but "you can reverse that spiral". And it all hinges on "small, small actions.
"Start with a note. Leave a note. You're leaving in the morning for work, leave a note. ‘It was really fun hanging out with you last night. I married the prettiest girl in the world’. Or, ‘Hey, thanks for taking care of that thing for me yesterday and calling the cable company. It really means a lot when my big strong man does things like that’.
"Some little courtesy or kindness costs nothing, takes five seconds to do."
James added, "I tell a lot of my male friends, if you text your wife in the middle of the day with a song that was important to you and you go, ‘I heard this song in the coffee shop today and I thought of you.’
"That's an incredible feeling. It's an intoxicating, wonderful feeling. And it doesn't take much to just bring someone back to that place."
Another example he offered up includes writing your "spouse an email, here's 10 things I love about you. 10 things. And by the way, it's not just for them. They'll love reading that. But also it's for you. Remind yourself, why did you choose this person?"
