IT’S LEGAL IN BOSTON
A shiny bronze pfennig for the thoughts of Jürgen Klopp. The man worked absolute wonders last season to earn Liverpool a place in the Big Cup qualifiers. Just think about it for a minute: a top-four finish, despite a defence featuring a goalkeeper who only finally learned how to punch the ball correctly this March, a teenage striking sensation gone to seed, and Dejan Lovren. Klopp’s reward for turning base metal into gold? The promise of some transfer money for a few upgrades. So he gave sporting director Michael Edwards a list with the names Mohamed Salah, Naby Keïta, Ryan Sessegnon and Virgil van Dijk on it. But on the way to the shops, Edwards dropped the list. Then on the way back, Edwards lost his yellow basket. A-tisket, a-tasket! Won’t someone help him find his basket? Was it green? No! Was it blue? No no no no! Just a little yellow basket.
The thick black vapour currently pouring from Klopp’s lugs as a result of this clanking ineptitude brings to mind one of the great quotes regarding clodhopping transfer-market uselessness. “What do you think they’re smoking over there?!” quipped none other than Liverpool owner John W Henry, upon taking receipt of Arsenal’s pointlessly antagonistic £40,000,001 bid for Luis Suárez back in 2013. Now, four years down the line, Henry’s own club have taken needlessly self-defeating behaviour to a whole new level during their brash pursuit of Van Dijk. A level which, if Henry’s First Law of Negotiation Buffoonery is any measure, suggests we’re way beyond mere smokes, probably past hot knives too, and on to a contraption consisting of a sturdy bucket, a 10-gallon barrel of water and several metres of garden hose.
As if being forced into a humiliating climbdown after prematurely celebrating Van Dijk’s arrival wasn’t bad enough, Liverpool also look like losing out on Sessegnon to Spurs and Keïta to Milan, while the Salah deal has seemingly stalled over a stubborn refusal to meet a headline £42m bill, despite reports in Italy claiming Roma would be perfectly happy with £35m as a compromise. Given all four transfers were recently considered shoo-ins, it may be time for Liverpool’s backroom staff to be given a refresher course on arm-joint/large-intestine identification techniques. Although fair’s fair, they did start the summer by landing Dominic Solanke, who scored twice against Italy on Thursday to send England to the U-20 World Cup final. That’s England’s first World Cup final at any level since 1966 … and he’s the two-goal hero! So that’s got to be worth something, right, Liverpool fans? Eh? Y’what?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m a privileged footballer. I could vote for benefit of my tax rate. But won’t. This is about everyone in our society” – Brighton’s Liam Rosenior, telling it like it is.
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“Yesterday’s Fiver strapline read: ‘In today’s Fiver: doing the bare minimum …’ Isn’t that every day?” – Dave Warburton.
“Instead of looking for correlation between Tory election victories and Chelsea winning the league (yesterday’s Knowledge), consider instead the link between the party and the denizens of Anfield. Both got off to a splendid start in the campaign before being banjaxed by about halfway through; both have a manic leader with an overanalysed fashion accessory; both bang on continually about Europe when you suspect they will exit in a messy and unsatisfactory manner and both were supported by Cilla Black” – Paul Wilson.
“Now that Virgil will not be landing Thunderbird 2 at Anfield, should Alan, John and Scott resume their low-Earth orbit search for Chris Waddle’s Italia 90 penalty? Liverbirds are go!” – Mark McFadden.
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BITS AND BOBS
Leicester City will appoint Craig Shakespeare as manager any minute now.
Diego Costa’s summer isn’t quite going to plan. “My relationship with the coach has been bad this season,” he sniffed. “[Antonio] Conte sent me a message saying he does not count on me, so I’ll have to find a way out.”
Manchester United will increase their bid for Real Madrid’s Álvaro Morata to £60m. “He wants to play more,” parped his Mr 15% excitedly. “The player will take a clear and definitive decision in the coming days.”
Saudi Arabia’s national team have been criticised for failing to observe a minute’s silence held before their 3-2 World Cup qualifying defeat against Australia.
England U-20s boss Paul Simpson admits he is living the dream after guiding his team to a World Cup final. “I was born in 1966 and that was the last time we did it,” he beamed. “We have a whole group of people that have supported us so well and we now want to do ourselves justice in the final.”
Chris Smalling is going to shove the hard evidence under José Mourinho’s nose to prove the Manchester United manager was wrong to question his commitment. “We don’t hold anything back, either for our clubs or on international duty, so injuries are going to come,” he roared.
1860 Munich face demotion to Germany’s fourth or fifth tier over an unpaid license and so majority stakeholder Hasan Ismaik wants to take action against Germany’s 50-plus-1 regulation, which limits the influence of external backers. Hmm … “I always said I appreciate the German laws and stick to them,” huffed the billionaire. “But we’ve come to a point where I say: It can’t go on like this.”
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
Welcome to the official start of summer: It’s the 2017 Bandinis!
From Liverpool paying £3.6m for Phil Babb to Manchester City frittering £42m on Eliaquim Mangala, Ed Aarons charts how and why the transfer fee for defenders has rocketed in recent years.
Paul MacInnes has done all the research on City’s new £35m goalkeeper Ederson so you don’t have to.
How Paderborn went from the top of the Bundesliga to three straight relegations.
Perhaps the German side should recruit Vítor Oliveira, a Portuguese manager who has won promotion for five seasons in a row.
Classic YouTube! Classic YouTube! Classic YouTube! This week: Cheick Tioté, Scotland 5-1 England and O’Rangers winning a dodgy penalty way back in 1945.
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