RICE AND PLEAS
For a manager who has been accused of dawdling in the past merely because he talks as if Brian Clough were on the brink of clinching another Big Cup, Martin O’Neill has spent an inordinate amount of time trying to ensure history does not repeat itself. Back in March 1890, before even O’Neill’s formative years, a chancer called John Reynolds scored O’Ireland’s only goal in a 9-1 defeat by England before defecting to play for England on the convenient grounds he was born in Blackburn. Now there is a real possibility of Declan Rice becoming only the second man to play senior football for both O’Ireland and England, for whom he qualifies because he was born in London and Eric Dier is plod.
A former U-17 and U-19 Irish player of the year and holder of three senior caps, Rice has spent the last few months mulling over swapping a future under the orders of O’Neill and Roy Keane for many summers riding inflatable unicorns with mellow Gareth Southgate. The Irish management duo’s attempts to persuade him that this would be folly are being scrutinised with great interest and the self-styled “bad cop and bad, bad cop” combo will be judged on the success or otherwise of their lobbying. With Rice so far saying nothing publicly, Thursday’s press conference with O’Neill was eagerly anticipated. Inevitably, it turned out to be a good deal more entertaining than most of this team’s recent performances.
Asked whether he had been able to cajole Rice into continuing with O’Ireland, O’Neill chirped: “I’ve spoken to Declan and the family. They want a little bit more time to make up his mind. He hasn’t made a decision yet. I’m hopeful.” Fair enough. But then Sky Sports News started prodding the manager with a bright yellow ticker, announcing while O’Neill was still in the presence of hacks that Rice had in fact made up his mind and chosen to hook up with England. “Nothing surprises me in this life but I would be a bit surprised by that there particular story,” parped O’Neill before suggesting Sky’s information was “inaccurate”.
Meanwhile, whoever operates Rice’s account on Social Media Abomination Twitter clicked “like” on the FAI’s report that the player had asked for more time to consider his options. Which rather gave the impression that the 19-year-old is running the show with mischievous authority, demonstrating why both countries want him in their midfield. With no final decision yet forthcoming, O’Neill can continue hoping Rice’s flirtation with England is just part of a dressing-room prank on West Ham teammate Po’ Jack Wilshere.
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QUOTES OF THE DAY
“I wear toddlers’ shin pads, the smallest I can find … effectively I’m just wearing these [ankle] socks” – Swansea striker Oli McBurnie gets his chat on with Stuart James and reveals his dislike of long socks, among other things.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Messi magic and the Aston Villa cabbage quandary. It’s all in Football Weekly Extra.
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FIVER LETTERS
“It is appropriate that the perpetrator of the attempted assault with a deadly cabbage (yesterday’s Fiver) should be described as an ‘old man’. The witness would probably also describe me as an old man as I am old enough to remember that, in the 1950s and 1960s, the prize for failure on BBC’s children’s show Crackerjack (CRACKERJACK!) was a cabbage” – Robert Blanchard.
“The cabbage incident prompted me to investigate the symbolic significance of this homely vegetable. In your very own archives, I discovered the cabbage ‘has been variously conceived as extravagant, magical, curative, plain, pure, noxious, smelly, sublime and ridiculous’, but is more readily perceived as ‘a symbol of ordinariness, if not the dingy and frankly disgusting’. Perhaps the cabbage was a message, rather than a missile?” – Tony Thulborn.
“David Seaman’s long list of unseemly missiles fired into his penalty area (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) might finally explain his aversion to catching the two he failed to mention: those famously dispatched by Ronaldinho in Shizuoka and Nayim in Paris” – Justin Kavanagh.
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BITS AND BOBS
James Maddison, Jadon Sancho and Mason Mount have been called into England’s squad for the first time by a newly-contracted Gareth Southgate. Full squad: Pickford (Everton), Butland (Stoke), Bettinelli (Fulham), McCarthy (Southampton); Alexander-Arnold (Liverpool), Gomez (Liverpool), Maguire (Leicester City), Morris-Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Rose (Tottenham), Shaw (Manchester United), Stones (Manchester City), Tarkowski (Burnley), Trippier (Tottenham), Walker (Manchester City); Barkley (Chelsea), Chalobah (Watford), Dier (Tottenham), Henderson (Liverpool), Maddison (Leicester City), Mount (on loan at Derby from Chelsea), Sancho (Borussia Dortmund), Winks (Tottenham); Kane (Tottenham), Rashford (Manchester United), Sterling (Manchester City), Welbeck (Arsenal).
Ross Barkley reckons the reason he no longer resembles a confused chicken wearing a blue football kit is because Maurizio Sarri has bothered to coach him. “If I’d had that type of approach when I was younger, then maybe I would have improved a lot more,” he said, as Bobby M ducked out of sight.
After a night of recurring nightmares about Lionel Messi, Mauricio Pochettino has assured fans that Spurs can still advance in Big Cup. “We need to play four games still and we have it in our hands to be in the next stage,” he soothed.
Jürgen Klopp has pinned the badge of blame on himself after Liverpool’s batteries ran out during the 1-0 defeat by Napoli. “We didn’t react in the right situation and so they could play through our formation,” he blathered. “A big part of that performance was my fault for sure.”
He has been left out of the Portugal squad for upcoming games with Poland and Scotland.
And Dean Smith says that if Villa come calling, he’ll draw the curtains and put the kettle on. “My job is Brentford and that’s all I am interested in,” he honked. The Fiver’s money is currently on Paulo Fonseca replacing Steve Bruce, told to do one shortly after yesterday’s mail.
STILL WANT MORE?
Barney Ronay has still not picked his chin off the floor after watching Lionel Messi rewrite the laws of physics.
Proper Journalism’s David Conn on the Glazers and Manchester United.
Emmet Gates recalls Michael Jackson’s peculiar relationship with football.
YouTube of the classic variety.
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