The fundamental question presented by reality show Surviving Paradise is – how are we going to survive Surviving Paradise? Well, there is the simple answer: don’t watch. But where would we be if we all took that approach, hmm? Cultured? At peace? Exactly. It’s hate and mockery that keep you feeling alive, and you know it.
So, to the new show. A dozen strangers from different parts of the US are gathered on a Greek – I think? Doesn’t matter – island to take part in a show they know nothing about except that they will be competing for $100,000. They arrive at a villa – sorry, a Luxury Villa – and scream delightedly for a bit. This is interspersed with private pieces to camera where they say things like “Don’t underestimate this cheerleader!” and “I pack a punch and I’m not for everyone!” and a variety of other words in different orders.
Then the power goes out, the host – a charisma vacuum called Jessimae – arrives, and the game is afoot. They are to be turfed out of the villa and left to fend for themselves in the woods. They are to build alliances that will allow them to be voted back in the villa. That’s it. Off they go, gobsmacked.
Only a few of the 12 stand out. One is Tabitha, who has the glittering eye and calculating air of a born schemer. “If he doesn’t vote for me,” she says after setting out to bond with another competitor by – um – listening to him talk for a few minutes, “what a heck of a waste of time.” Another early notable is Lellies, who is clearly absolute nails with an instinctive sense for others’ weaknesses that is somehow thrilling rather than coldly terrifying.
At the opposite end of the spectrum is Copan, who comes from a town of 800 people in Oklahoma and doesn’t know how his fellow islanders are going to manage because “everyone has such a pure heart!”. If you cut him, I suspect, he would bleed Donny Osmond. I’d say the odds are about even as to whether he is steeped in blood and running through the woods with a pig’s head on a stick within a fortnight or not. There are also a couple of men for whom the sight of the women causes all thoughts of the life-changing sum of money at stake to vanish from their minds completely, which is almost endearing in its own way.
Bits of every reality show you have ever seen ensue. Challenges (though they don’t start until the second episode) are handed out, a la Survivor and I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!. People have to manage without mod cons in the great outdoors, a la Survivor, I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! and all the other shows where the only point is to survive outdoors without mod cons. And – if we are told this once by Jessimae we are told it a thousand times – they have to build alliances. Like all the above, plus Big Brother.
Winners, losers and traitors emerge, drop back into the mix and re-emerge in another category. Some participants we hate, some we love, some we love to hate, some we hate to love. Relationships form, collapse, mutate, reform. You care passionately and could not be more uninvested at the same time. All and none of human life is here. Enjoy. Or don’t. It’s not like there’s much of a difference.
• Surviving Paradise is on Netflix now.
