BAD GONES WILL BE BAD GONES
On the day of a Bayern Munich v Spurs match so uninteresting that expert analysis will presumably be provided by Danny Mills, one could be forgiven for thinking that the last round of Big Cup group games are always irritating and pointless. But that would be to ignore the evidence of Tuesday, when Liverpool delivered a Hollywood climax to Group E, Mohamed Salah channelling the Force with Skywalker-esque precision to hit a tiny target from a distance far, far away. Admittedly, that description only really works if you think RB Salzburg are comparable to the Death Star, Jordan Henderson is a wookiee and Jürgen Klopp would look ace in Princess Leia’s clobber. And maybe he would, The Fiver isn’t saying otherwise.
Speaking of looks, here’s one that always gets us: fat middle-aged men storming into the arena to berate successful young athletes for not living right. A prize example of such an exhibition was given in Tuesday’s denouement of Group G, where Lyon came back from two goals down to draw at home to RB Leipzig and secure their passage to the next round. Cue scenes of joy, right? Nope. Instead some fans invaded the pitch to harangue their own team’s players, in particular the Brazilian centre-back Marcelo, who himself had only entered the field as an 87th-minute substitute and whose every touch was jeered.
Some members of one group (with a naff nickname in English? Check. They’re called ‘Bad Gones’) have had a beef with Marcelo ever since he objected to them insulting players at Lisbon airport on the way back from a defeat at Benfica earlier in the group. Apparently there was a full and frank exchange of views between Marcelo and at least one diehard critic on that occasion. Might it have been the same one who ran on to the pitch after the final whistle on Tuesday with a flag showing a drawing of a donkey and the words “Marcelo Get Lost”? We can only speculate.
What’s clear is that Lyon captain Memphis Depay was not impressed, which is why, as fans milled around the pitch and argued with players, the Dutchman made a beeline for the donkey drawer. “I ran to try to remove the flag,” he explained later. “Who has the time to paint a donkey on a flag?” he continued, as if to suggest the artist would be better off working on front pages for English tabloids. “If you have the time to do that, you really should find something better to do in your life. If you come to the stadium to support us, we’re grateful, but you have to support all of us. They even spat on us – on staff members and players. I’ve never seen the like of it.” Lyon risk being ordered to play their next home game behind closed doors, which sounds like a punishment their players could probably live with.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It took us seven days to climb up the mountain, carrying all the gear, including goalposts. We used white flour for the lines and marked them out on the volcanic ash. At that altitude, a 90-minute game of football is reckoned to be the equivalent of six hours” – Vikki Allan on going the extra mile (and then some) to referee a match on the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Taxpayers FC and Southampton potentially drawing and two managers simultaneously trying to get through a door that only does one (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs). Will this create a paradox that finally STOPS FOOTBALL? If so, then I can cancel my Optus subscription and save $90 a month – and I can stop reading The Fiver – the possibilities suddenly seem endless” – Nick Livesey.
“Re: Marc Hageman (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Can anyone write a more anti belligerent, sometimes intelligent and occasionally funny football newsletter hit piece than this drivel? Is this what passes for letters these days? Get over yourself” – Kevin Carter (a Liverpool fan, for what it’s worth).
“Marc seems to be applying the Liverpool tag line ‘It means more’ to The Fiver – a slippery slope if ever I saw one. Please reassure him that it doesn’t (in both cases)” – Tony Ward.
“Now Weird Uncle Fiver has seen fit to mention me in three editions in a row, do I get to keep him? – Richard Morris [mention him once more and he appears behind you – Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Nick Livesey, who bags a copy of The Next Big Thing. We’ve still got more prizes to give away, so get scribbling.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Howard Wilkinson has led tributes to Jim Smith, the former Birmingham, Oxford, QPR, Newcastle, Portsmouth and Derby manager, who has died aged 79. “He was intelligent, passionate, determined, honest and always great fun to be with. Never one to mince his words, he was a leader in the truest sense,” said Wilkinson.
Liverpool have supported calls by human rights groups for thorough investigations into the deaths of migrant workers in Qatar, before the club flies out to play in Fifa’s Club World Cup.
Chelsea. Wilfried Zaha. Nathan Aké.
Bournemouth’s Jordon Ibe will face trial over crashing his Bentley into a trendy Bromley coffee shop in the early hours of 30 July.
Shy and retiring Gennaro Gattuso is favourite to succeed Carlo Ancelotti at Napoli, where he will have to do as shy and retiring owner Aurelio De Laurentiis says. What could possibly go wrong?
Jürgen Klopp has saluted Mo Salah after his geometry-defying finish helped Liverpool secure Big Cup qualification in the 2-0 win over Salzburg. “Thank God I don’t have to [explain the finish],” he honked. “It was a very, very good goal.”
And Spurs manager Humility Man™ has banned his players from watching the video nasty of their 7-2 Big Cup shellacking before their more considered defeat in Germany. “I forbid any image of it,” he parped, while shielding Ryan Sessegnon’s delicate eyes.
STILL WANT MORE?
Much like The Fiver, Old Trafford is tired and worn-out, writes Jamie Jackson.
Which teams have had undercrackers models as managers? The Knowledge has the answer to spare you – and your search history.
Is the Tories’ election plan based on backing Fleetwood Town? If so, it seems a bit niche, honks Max Rushden.
What have Pablo Fornals, Moise Kean, Wesley, Joelinton, Dani Ceballos and Che Adams got in common? No, they’re not voting for Lord Buckethead in the election – it’s this.
Christian Pulisic’s high-speed game of hide-and-seek is fast making him a Chelsea idol, whoops Jonathan Liew.
There is hope and optimism among Charlton fans as serial fan-angerer Roland Duchâtelet’s ownership nears its end, reports Ben Fisher.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
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Football and the election: it’s the latest David Squires cartoon. We lost it at Gordon the Gopher. And you can buy a copy right here.
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