Fresh from swiping Maria Machado’s Nobel Peace Prize, scooping up the “Undisputed Champion of Beautiful, Clean Coal” award, and still glowing from becoming the winner of the inaugural “FIFA Peace Prize”, Donald Trump can now add a glittering new trophy to his cabinet.
That’s right, your president is the inaugural winner of the coveted “America First” award, which was absolutely 100% not made up by Mike Johnson in a desperate attempt to brown-nose the increasingly befuddled Trump.
Johnson, whose dignity must have shrunk to about the size of a peanut at this point, took to the stage at the National Republican Congressional Committee fundraiser and doubtless steeled himself before delivering this truly nauseating bit of toadying flattery:
Just when you thought the GOP couldn’t be a more embarrassing cult, Speaker Mike Johnson presented Donald Trump with the “first-ever America First Award”:
— Republicans against Trump (@RpsAgainstTrump) March 26, 2026
“We have created a new award. We are going to do something we’ve never done before. We will honor him with a new award…… pic.twitter.com/CduOTi6k5X
The president has done so much for the American people. And we want to honor him in some small way. Some token of our appreciation for his leadership. And so tonight we have created a new award. We are going to do something we’ve never done before.
We’re going to honor him with a new award we’ll present annually from this point forward. But he is the suitable and fitting recipient of the first ever America First award. We can think of no better title for what that is. That’s a beautiful gold statue here, appropriate for the new Golden Era in America.”
Uh, hold on Mike, you’re going to have to kneel again. I think there’s still a bit of dirt on Trump’s shoe. C’mon buddy, if you’re going to use your tongue to lick that boot, you need to finish the job!
Kim Jong-il would be proud
This is literally tinpot dictatorship mindset. Witness North Korea’s mighty Kim Jong-il, proud four-time winner of the Hero of the Republic award, a two-time winner of the Kim Il Sung prize, and the shock winner of the 2007 International Kim Il Sung Prize.
But the most depressing part isn’t the humiliating debasement of the American government to fluff Trump, it’s that it works.
If you want Trump to do something, flattery is a route straight to his heart. For example, Zohran Mamdani, a man Trump should despise, managed to win the president’s affections by arriving at the White House with mocked-up newspapers praising Trump for agreeing to a housing construction plan. A beaming Trump instantly signed up to Mamdani’s plan.
Right now, we have little idea why Johnson needed to butter up Trump with some phony award, but we can almost certainly conclude that his plan worked. I guess he’ll need a hot shower and won’t be able to look at himself in the mirror for a while, but sometimes we all have to lie back and think of the good of the nation.
