A DIM VIEW
The transfer window has become a fearsome, curious beast, ceaselessly spitting out footballers in much the same way as the moody mother alien in James Cameron’s finest sci-fi flick spat out eggs full of evil face-sucking slippery monsters. Not that The Fiver’s suggesting new £15m Bournemouth signing Jordon Ibe is a malevolent being hell-bent on wiping out humanity, even if there was that picture of him holding a shisha pipe that one time while drinking full-fat Fanta. Fanta, for God’s sake! Anyway, the point is that clubs fear The Window. When they’re not actually buying somebody they feel a pressing need to remind the world they once did. Even if it was yonks ago. “#OnThisDay last year #SaintsFC completed the signing of midfielder @JordyClasie!” bugled Southampton on social media aberration Twitter this morning just to remind their fans – and The Window – that they’re not normally so slack and know how to land a run-of-the-mill pesky midfielder when required.
So it’s almost bigger news these days when nothing happens. It’s certainly big enough for The Fiver to fill its lead item with on The Day That Football Stood Still. So here it is: Taxpayers FC footballer Dimitri Payet claims he is going to continue being Taxpayers FC footballer Dimitri Payet. “I’ve heard about all the interest [from other dead big clubs] and I’m flattered. But I love [Taxpayers FC],” Payet cheered. “We had a fantastic season and I can’t wait to play in the [Taxpayers FC] Stadium. I’m 100% staying at [Taxpayers FC], I love the club. I can tell the [Taxpayers FC] fans that.” Something to cling to from the ashes of the remain campaign then. And, to be honest, who wouldn’t want to take free-kicks at the scene of Greg Rutherford’s greatest achievement?
To be fair, The Fiver can understand why Payet has opted to make public his desire to stay at Taxpayers FC. If we could be managed by anyone in the world it would be Slaven Bilic, a man who can make the rank average look sublime with the merest flick of his fingers and an emotional croak. And isn’t it nice when a coveted player opts to spurn interest from wealthier clubs in favour of staying at the place that teased out his finest form? Oh. Well, quite. So in a shameless attempt to fill a little more space and refer back to a theme introduced in the first paragraph, The Fiver would like to remind Taxpayers FC fans of something: #AlmostOnThisDay last year Aston Villa talisman Fabian Delph committed his future to the club. “I want to set the record straight. I am not moving,” he roared. A slippery monster indeed. Watch this space.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We had a perfectly legitimate goal disallowed. It was a beautiful goal. I’ve remonstrated with the linesman and the next thing I know I’m sitting in the stand. It’s pathetic, absolutely pathetic” – Scotland’s European club competition qualifying efforts go from strength to strength, Hibs losing 1-0 at home to Brondby in Big Vase early bits and Neil Lennon getting sent off and banned for the return game.
FIVER LETTERS
“Dan Makeham’s complaints about the use of ‘overtired’ (yesterday’s Fiver letters) are the perfect excuse to wheel out this post-match gem from Carlton Cole. Overchuffed indeed” – Eric Heath.
“We are editors of a German football magazine called 11Freunde. We highly appreciate reading The Fiver day by day. So we thought this video (with English subtitles) we made during the Euros might also fit in at some point. It is a summary of all the crazy Welsh, Irish, Icelandic, etc fans we met in France, also the best chants of the tournament” – Ron Ulrich.
“Time to take the succinct NME reviews (Fiver letters passim) up a notch. At some point in the mid-80s Bob Geldof was drafted in to review the week’s singles, presumably to promote his first solo album Deep in the Heart of Nowhere. I remember getting tickets for the tour to support the album and noticing that my tickets were numbered 0009 and 0010. I was therefore not entirely surprised but still a bit miffed that the gig, at the wonderful Mayfair in Newcastle, was cancelled. With those sort of sales he could surely have held it in his hotel (bath)room. Anyway, one of the singles he had to listen to was by They Might Be Giants, prompting the pithy four-word review that ‘they might be cees’. They may well have been but I’m willing to bet that they attracted bigger crowds than ‘Sir’ Bob” – Peter Connolly.
“I recall one from Loaded magazine in the mid 90s. You know. When it was cool … erm, OK. Anyway, there was an album review from those annoying people responsible for Cotton Eye Joe – sorry if that’s now in your mind on loop, for the rest of the week – the Rednex, they were called. They did an album. Loaded’s four-word review: ‘They can eff off’ Almost dropped my bacon sandwich!” – Robert Young.
“Many moons ago, Charles Shaar Murray of the NME reviewed Lee Hazlewood’s latest opus, Poet, Fool or Bum, with the word ‘bum’” – Maurice Behan.
“The Melody Maker review of the Happy Mondays’ ‘problematic’ 1992 album Yes Please is a personal favourite. A brief ‘no thanks’ was enough to warn the reader” – Phil Kayes.
“I know this is a football newsletter. Of sorts. But the music reviews thing is the best thing I’ve read in The Fiver in a long time [low-hanging fruit and that – Fiver Ed]. Which got me thinking: maybe we could start a daily music newsletter and then, in the letters section, maybe we’d finally get some amusing football content?” – Sam Carpenter.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Eric Heath. On Monday, however, it’s a week of Fiver letters prizes, you lucky monsters: The Unbelievables, by David Bevan.
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BITS AND BOBS
N’Golo Kanté is cantering south to the warm embrace of Antonio Conte after Chelsea distracted Leicester suits with £29.2m and gave the Frenchman directions to south-west London.
Those white shirts aren’t going to starch themselves, so at least Marc Wilmots will have a bit more time to do that now the Belgian FA have ripped up his contract.
In other post-Euro 2016 manager news, Andriy Shevchenko will do his best not to tarnish that national hero status in Ukraine after getting the nod to replace Mykhailo Fomenko, while Karel Jarolim has been asked by Czech Republic suits to qualify for Russia 2018 without the retired Petr Cech. Good luck with that Karel.
Wolfsburg have poured freezing cold water on the idea Julian Draxler might be leaving for pastures new. “I’m 100% certain that he will be staying at Wolfsburg. There is no discussing that,” discussed sports director Klaus Allofs.
And Bristol City have signed Oxford winger Calum O’Dowda for a fee worth up to £1.6m. “When you’ve got a player who doesn’t want to play for the club and made it clear what his ambitions are for this season, it was one where you were backed into a corner, I suppose,” parped U’s boss Michael Appleton.
STILL WANT MORE?
How North Ferriby’s village team made the jump to the National League. By Richard Foster.
Nick Ames has been trawling through European club’s transfer dealings so far this summer – the deviant – to bring you this wrap.
More from Antonio Conte’s first meeting with Dom Fifield and the Stamford Bridge press pack.
What next for Wayne Rooney at Manchester United, ponders Jamie Jackson.
And it’s so quiet that we’ve even got room to plug The Rumour Mill.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT TOO!
