Dec. 04--Q: You see someone spill red wine at a party without telling anyone. How do you inform the hosts without ratting on a guest or risking them thinking you're the one who spilled it?
"I believe in focusing on the principle at hand instead of the person at fault. The host needs to act fast to prevent a stain from setting in, and you have the opportunity to deliver the news.
"By letting the host know you've spotted a stain incident, are unsure if it has been reported yet and would like to help in any way you can, you're taking the focus off the person at fault. Because you are being honest about what you saw and are so willing to assist, you are demonstrating your trustworthiness to the host. Why would such an accountable person fabricate a story about a stain they 'saw'?
"Let go of the concern, and offer your help to your gracious host, who has taken the time to welcome you into their home and prepare a special event for you. A helping hand in a pinch like that is ever appreciated and sure to keep you on guest lists for years to come."
-- Melissa Maker, editor of CleanMySpace.com
"Firstly, if there is wait staff available, discreetly point this out to the server. They will be trained to handle this effectively without fuss. If no staff is available, quietly alert the host without naming names, and trust your host will properly solve the problem with grace. Such is the mannered response.
"It should be handled effortlessly with smiles and aplomb. No fuss or nuisance should derive from such an event. It is an accident, after all. Perhaps the guest is embarrassed and doesn't know how to handle it, so a gracious fellow diner can assist. These instructions assume all parties are civilized and not wont to throwing tantrums over small things!"
-- Norah Lawlor, CEO of public relations firm Lawlor Media Group and a contributor to "Manners That Matter Most: The Easy Guide to Etiquette at Home and in the World" (Hatherleigh Press)
Social Graces is a weekly series asking two experts for advice on awkward situations.
abowen@tribpub.com
