“I’m bored blue by the company of businessmen. I have absolutely nothing in common with them. I don’t like sitting around with a glass in my hand. I don’t understand references to Chelsea FC. I couldn’t hit a golf ball to save my life.”
So wrote Alan Clark, then minister of state for trade, as he neatly summed up what it must be like working in what is now the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills. The former minister’s diaries are full of this type of blunt truth (despite him once admitting to being “economical with the actualité”), but don’t expect anything quite as entertaining as a Clark monologue on Monday, when the department’s current boss, Vince Cable (Lib Dem), his shadow Chuka Umunna (Lab) and a modern-day minister of state, Matthew Hancock (Con), line up for the “business election debate”.
Who knows what topics will be raised, but – with Sunday being International Women’s Day – Cable looks certain to mention one of his main ministerial achievements: the rise in female representation in FTSE 100 boardrooms. That’s apt. Gender equality was also a topic close to Clark’s heart, having once breezed through a Commons speech on equal pay regulations in such a heightened state of refreshment that he became the only MP ever to be accused of being drunk at the dispatch box.
G4S gaffe
There is a long-standing City tradition that some disaster will befall G4S just before it addresses investors.
The accident-prone group has warmed up for previous financial presentations with stunts including (a) a security guard parking his van outside a Poundland store then taking a break before venturing inside to collect the takings, a hesitation that allowed an impostor in a G4S uniform to be handed £14,000 from the store’s tills; and (b) a prisoner tricking his G4S guards into tagging his prosthetic leg, thereby allowing him to skip his curfew by detaching the limb.
Like those once in G4S custody, these stories tend to run and run, but despite the archive of G4S howlers being well-stocked, the company has been freshening up its store.
In Hong Kong, the South China Morning Post reports on a string of recent gaffes, including a G4S security van somehow ending up on the bonnet of a BMW, a G4S guard leaving his loaded shotgun at a cash machine, and HK$15m (£1.3m) being strewn across a road when the door of a G4S van slid open. Such a run of tales can mean only one thing: the company reports its annual results on Tuesday.
Ocado delivers a good deal
Beep, beep. It’s your latest Ocado delivery as the online grocer unveils its trading statement this week.
The update comes after the company abandoned its not-for-profit status last month by publishing a set of annual results that were in the black. That profit took just 15 years to achieve, and also involved the company tinkering with its business model slightly by offering an online grocery service to Morrisons shoppers.
So how’s that deal going? James Tracey, a Redburn analyst, was gushing about it, cooing in May 2013: “Ocado’s 25-year deal with Morrison is transformational. Likely fees from the deal are worth 71p per Ocado share and the £170m proceeds should allay concerns as to the firm’s long-term viability. Ocado’s competitive position is substantially improved by terms which make every Morrison customer profitable for Ocado.”
And now? “The Morrison deal is less cash-generative than we previously thought,” admits Tracey. “We now value it at 20p per Ocado share versus 60p previously [er, 71p, surely?]. This underlines the difficulty of delivering transformational value from future deals.” As well as accurate predictions.
So not so good for Ocado, then, but presumably better for Morrisons, which also reports this week.
