Andrew Newman was "lucky", Peter Salmon was "the stooge" and Sir Alan Sugar accused Simon Shaps of "hiding behind the bushes". But who was fired? Welcome to the Edinburgh edition of the Apprentice.
It was just like a normal edition of the hit BBC2 show, except it was with TV executives. Oh, and there was no job at the end of it. "I would never have any of you arty farty tossers working for me," explained Sir Alan. So no kid gloves, then.
Divided up into two teams - men versus women - the challenge was to sell goods on QVC. It proved harder for some than it did for others.
Salmon, the former controller of BBC1, appeared never to have used a vacuum cleaner before. "You were moving it around like something from Doctor Who, like a metal detector," Sir Alan told him.
Salmon headed up the men's team, also including Channel 4 head of entertainment Andrew Newman, Tiger Aspect managing director Andrew Zein and Simon Shaps, director of television at ITV.
Shaps' BBC counterpart Jana Bennett headed up the women's team, featuring Sky deputy managing director, channels and services Sophie Turner Laing, Talkback Thames head of factual features Camilla Lewis and Emily Bell, editor in chief of Guardian Unlimited.
Despite showing no talent for presenting whatsoever, Salmon ended up on screen, co-presenting with Zein, while Shaps and Newman directed things from the gallery. For the women, Lewis and Bell went on screen with Bennett and Laing behind the screens.
Zein and Salmon proved an extraordinary double act. "It's a chance to explain just what a pleasure walking can be," offered Zein about a pair of sandals. "Schmoozer," said Sir Alan.
But worse was to come as the pair attempted to flog a vacuum cleaner. "Someone appears to have made a bit of a mess here, Peter," said Andy. Unfortunately Salmon wasn't able to do anything about it, insisting on operating the cleaner in an upright position. "It's bloody worse," said Sir Alan, shaking his head.
Zein's efforts with an iron weren't much better. "Not bad for a man who hasn't irorned a shirt for six months," he said. "It's almost wearable."
Unlike the men, the women took turns on screen. The verdicts? Sir Alan on Guardian boss Bell: "You won't get a job in Dixons, that's for sure." And on Lewis: "She's not too bad, but I don't know if she's going to sell any. She's been bunnying around for so long she's forgotten what she's doing." Bunnying? Must be an industry term.
So who made what? The men sold £1,790 worth of goods, while the women shifted £4,650. No contest.
Team leader Salmon excused Newman from the final three, prompting Sir Alan to suggest he was "lucky" and "got away with it". The camera also rather unkindly cut to the Channel 4 man just as the Amstrad boss said: "I don't know if you are a bloody nutter." Cue lots of laughter in the auditorium.
So down to the final three. Who would get fired? Unusually for a bunch of TV executives, none of them was prepared to stick the knife in the other. Sir Alan suggested he take a picture to record the event. So here are Sir Alan's verdicts.
On Zein: "You weren't too bad. It felt like you were the magician and Peter was the stooge."
On Salmon: "With all the experience you had in TV I thought you should have done it a bit better. I think someone was stitching you up here. Did you get railroaded into presenting?" Salmon insisted not.
And on Shaps: "Why do I get the feeling you are a hiding behind the bushes kind of fella? I felt you may have stitched up the team leader."
But back to Salmon. "You were poor."
So who was fired? In the end it turned out to be.... Simon Shaps. Harsh, perhaps, but we didn't get to see much of the ITV director of television. But he did do a memorable skit when he tried to mop up red wine from a lino. Well, it makes a change from blood on the carpet.
