Anyone who has watched BBC Three for more than half an hour at a time will be familiar with the wish to have their body hurled through the air, at great speed, away from their living room. This experience may well have been the “Eureka!” moment behind a new deal, inked with Paramount, under which several hit BBC shows could become attractions at a new adventure theme park, set to open in 2020. The thrill and popularity of shows such as Doctor Who and Sherlock make them obvious candidates for rides. But with the BBC’s huge roster of programming, there are plenty of more leftfield options. Here are six Beeb-themed attractions that really would be worth queuing for…
The Apprentice Firing Range
Celebrate the HR-affronting show in which Alan Sugar hires exclusively from a very shallow pool. Now it’s your turn to fire them! Pick up your mock carbine rifle and take aim at Katie Hopkins, Stuart Baggs and all that is wrong with our culture, while a sour Lord Sugar screams: “You couldn’t hit a light-switch in the daytime!” in your ear. The shooting gallery doubles as a whack-a-mole, as no matter how many lame ducks you hit, at least a dozen more take their place.
Casualty Amusement Arcade
Sophisticated arcade machines bring classic “D’oh!” moments to life. Popular games include “Man Putting Up Xmas Decorations With No One Footing His Ladder” and “Any Combination Of Children And Fireworks”. Of course, if Eurovision or any random golf competitions are turned into attractions, the Casualty arcade will be bulldozed to make space for them. Newer games will be housed in the Holby City wing, which will gradually bleed popularity from its parent venue.
MasterChef Ghost Train
Entering through the gaping maw of “professional diner” Gregg Wallace’s mouth, brave riders will be eaten alive by TV’s most terrifying chefs. Lose your stomach as you fall into Marcus Wareing’s steely, remorseless eyes! Tremble as Monica Galetti judges you inedible and spits you into a hankie! Feel disappointed in yourself when kindly Michel Roux Jr decides, “It’s not right.” Riders will enjoy a deconstructed ghoul-ash of devilled eggs, finished with terror-miso, an Italian-Japanese dessert-soup, before exiting through Gregg’s butt.
Question Time Pirate Ship
Laugh and clap as political debate swings harmlessly from left to right, prompting whoops of giddy thrill at either extreme. Welcome to the high sea of popular politics! You’re perfectly safe – although in constant motion, the discussion isn’t going anywhere. The ride supervisor is Nigel Farage. We think. He always seems to be on the thing, anyway.
Top Gear Mechanical Bull
If you’re a fan of middle-aged men talking mechanical bull, this is the ride for you! Marvel at the snorting, fat, untameable beast, kicking in all directions, despite enjoying acres of paddock all to itself. Safety-wise, you’ll need to tuck shirts into jeans, and wear a banter-mac for the racial epithets and weasel-jingoism that will rain down upon you. It’s worth trying, though, because if enough people get bucked off it might close down.
Newsnight Tunnel of Love
Recently reopened after the previous experience was deemed “too scary for adults”. Join new skipper, amiable Evan Davis, through this gentler, less bumpy ride for those who remember a more innocent age, when Westminster interviews were less rancourous, accusatory affairs. In the bends of the circuitous track, issues will be fully explored, and solutions proposed in a safe atmosphere. Until just before the end, when a terrifying, 40ft Jeremy Paxman drops onto everyone’s heads, bellowing “DID YOU THREATEN TO OVERRULE HIM?” Gotcha.
