The dire world of terrestrial television received some desperately needed good news this month: TV producers can still afford a lot of cocaine. At least that seems to be the takeaway from the major networks announcing the programs for the coming year.
In a time when more and more of the key demographics are abandoning traditional TV for its online competition, the industry is crying out for fresh ideas and innovative programming; something that could capture the imagination of the country and perhaps even the world. Forgoing giving talented young people a chance at it, programmers have instead decided to line up a cavalcade of increasingly bizarre and perverted reality programming, as well as spin-offs, reboots or reimaginings of older formats – leaving you with the distinct feeling of drinking a cup of backwash that is rumoured to have once been a Pepsi Max.
And they say Australia has no culture https://t.co/sF8zp51dgJ
— Jeffrey Simpson (@FadAstra) October 23, 2019
As is tradition, Australian television in 2020 will almost entirely be comprised of cooking shows. We have an insatiable appetite, apparently, and each year we must feed the beast. The food becomes less practical while the contestants operate in more adverse conditions until we reach our final goal: an amateur chef making a beef wellington while crawling through no-man’s-land under direct enemy fire.
The king of kings is Ten’s MasterChef, which is being reheated following the loss of its judges between seasons. This promises to be the most exciting year in a while, as the contestants battle against one another and the new judging team desperately tries to resist the urge to underpay them.
In response, Seven have reunited the former MasterChef judges still allowed on television, Matt Preston and Gary Mehigan, and teamed them up with Manu, who, if I understand correctly, is legally obligated to be on every Seven show. Good luck in Summer Bay, Manu! Their new show – entitled Plate of Origin – is the kind of pitch you come up with when you think of the pun-title first and the show second. In it, cuisines from around the world are pitted against one another, combining Australia’s two loves: food and judging other cultures. Personally, I don’t think it’s fair to have a show like this and not include George Calombaris. That is not an appropriate punishment. He should be allowed to work on the show; he just shouldn’t be paid for it.
Then there’s Seven’s second reheated offering, My Kitchen Rules: a show that still exists apparently. This year, MKR has been given perhaps the most interesting twist of any of the rehashed reality offerings, with a live-in element to stop contestants from fleeing in the night. Watch as contestants are forced to bunk in with Pete Evans and a series of sharp objects, and somehow manage to resist temptation.
Big Brother also returns, now on Seven and titled Big Brother: Revolution. The series began in 2001 and asked us to envision a world where everyone was constantly being filmed. Now in 2019, we’re doing it again but without the excitement or cultural relevance. Details are scarce but judging by the title, my hope is that they’ll lock 10 Australians away and convince them there has been a proletarian uprising.
The Block for Nine and House Rules for Seven continue to go head-to-head in the beloved genre of competitive gentrification. Plus the surprise hit of 2019, The Masked Singer, will be back for Ten. The second season will be harder than ever for audiences to guess, considering they’ve already gone through eight celebrities and Australia frankly does not have even that many.
The Voice is also returning for Nine with the exceeding rare twist of keeping their judges and their format entirely the same. Will a spinning chair still be able to capture our attention when we have sighted a better world of celebrities being enveloped by Muppets? Only time will tell. Australia’s Got Talent is back with a champions-against-champions format, a tacit admission that Australia has no longer got talent. And Dancing with the Stars is set to once again trot out its semi-ironic title and twirl into Australian’s hearts. Still not interested? What if we got the stars almost naked? Is that enough for you, you sick freak? If so, welcome to The All New Monty: Guys and Gals.
.@ToddMcKenney announces The All New Monty: Guys & Gals in 2020. Celebrities getting their gear off for a good cause, featuring @homeandaway's Sam Frost and @bhgaus' @adamdovile. But who else will dare to bare all for a good cause? #7Upfronts #TheAllNewMontyAU pic.twitter.com/qofzcPxYi2
— Seven Network (@SevenNetwork) October 23, 2019
This brings us neatly into the “horny reality” tier. Perennial favourites remain Nine’s Married at First Sight, a show in which misogynists slowly destroy their reputation in public; Ten’s The Bachelor and Bachelorette, of course; and the return of Farmer Wants A Wife for Seven. There’s something very funny about the idea of a television producer examining the horrors climate change is inflicting on farmers and livestock, and deciding: “We have to do something… We have to get these farmers a root.”
And to wrap up the year, there’s the proper off-the-wall bonkers collection of reality shows.
The competitive jungle gym showdown that is Australian Ninja Warrior returns again, as does Australian Survivor and I’m A Celebrity – the latter two once again flirting with the notion of killing off a few not-quite-celebs and really jeopardising The Masked Singer season three.
Joining this cabal is Rebel Wilson’s Pooch Perfect for Seven (another stellar case of name first, show second), and Mega Mini Golf, which promises all the fun of watching someone else play mini golf. Along with the return of Lego Masters, these form the “sure, I guess that’s a show” triumvirate: a testament to how television executives, like the rest of us, have no real idea what they’re doing and are just guessing at all times.
