BIDDING FAREWELL TO BLIGHTY
England are tackling Costa Rica on Thursday, hoping to make it two friendly wins out of two in their preparations for the Ethics World Cup. Hopefully it goes to plan, because if they lollop around Elland Road like 11 John Stones, no doubt there’ll be a big song and dance, the vapours, and a heat-to-light ratio that’s all out of whack. But would that meltdown be justified? Just how significant do these pre-tournament dry runs prove to be? Your ever-vigilant World Cup FiveЯ has taken a look back in time to find out!
We might as well start with 1966, just because. Alf Ramsey took his squad on a tour of Scandinavia a couple of weeks before the finals, and very successful it was too. They scored 11 goals in three wins over Finland, Norway and Denmark. Impressive performances showcasing the talents of George Eastham, Terry Paine, John Connelly and best of all, Jimmy Greaves, who put four past the Norwegians. England were world champions a month later, admittedly with a different cast, but you can’t argue with results, so that registers 10 out of 10 on The World Cup FiveЯ’s harbinger-o-meter.
On to 1982, the only other time England made it through a finals unbeaten. An era which proved that the more things change, the more they stay the same: the English couldn’t beat Iceland back then either. A couple of weeks before the finals, Arnór Gudjohnsen – Eidur’s dad – opened the scoring in a Reykjavik friendly; Glenn Hoddle set up Paul Goddard to secure the sort of stodgy draw that eventually did for England in the second group stage in Spain. Elsewhere that night, Wales won in France, the useless hosts booed off the park after losing their second home game in a month. FiveЯ harbinger-o-meter reading: 8 (minus cinq).
Back to 1950, then, and the English were already having to come to terms with some harsh truths, contemplating loss of empire and whatnot. Thumping wins over Portugal (5-3, Tom Finney scoring four) and Belgium (4-1) appeared to augur well for the upcoming new-fangled Campeonato Mundial de Futebol, what what, let’s put Johnny back in his box. But unfortunately another reality check was in the post against a team of pot washers and postal workers. FiveЯ harbinger-o-meter reading: 0.
Four years later, England’s final preparations involved a trip to Budapest. Walter Winterbottom’s men were hoping to avenge the famous 6-3 defeat inflicted by Hungary at Wembley a few months earlier, but the likes of Syd Owen, Jackie Sewell and Bedford Jezzard were no match for the infinitely more glamorous Ferenc Puskas, Sandor Kocsis and Nandor Hidegkuti. England lost 7-1, then got themselves knocked out of the World Cup by eight fit Uruguayans. FiveЯ declining-superpower-o-graph rating: 10.
Or what about 1990, when England bade farewell to Blighty with a 2-1 defeat at the hands of Uruguay, their first home loss for six years, then escaped defeat against some Tunisian amateurs thanks to a last-minute Steve Bull header, a Gazza mistake having led to Tunisia’s goal? That didn’t say too much about what happened next … unless you count Peter Shilton’s performance against Uruguay, in which the 40-year-old keeper was confused by a free-kick from distance, and caught out with a ball looping over his head. FiveЯ harbinger-o-meter reading: needle oscillates hard between 0 and 10 before shearing off and spearing The FiveЯ in the eye. Ooyah! Eff! That smarts!
Well that’s our equipment jiggered, we can’t do any more. But we can still pull together the results of our research and ask: should we take the result of Thursday’s game seriously? The answer to that question: a thundering Don’t Know. You’re welcome. No need to thank us.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I had to kick it because you lot [the press] made a big deal about it, so I don’t think I’ll be getting pictured with them again” – England striker Jamie Vardy reveals he is giving up his snus and port habit for the Ethics World Cup.
ETHICS WORLD CUP GUIDE
Here we go, then, our bumper rundown of all 736 [SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SIX – World Cup FiveЯ vidiprinter] players at Russia 2018.
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FIVEЯ LETTER
“Theoretically, if you put Alan Partridge in charge of a country’s TV production ideas, what would you end up with? Probably Peter Schmeichel going around galleries in Russian World Cup host cities talking about art on The Peter Schmeichel Show” – Noble Francis.
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THE RECAP
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RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Michael Butler’s Panini odyssey, the search for Russian football culture, the evolution of the World Cup ball and the most eye-catching kits through the years.
BITS AND BOBS
“I’ve great confidence in the abilities of Tite,” said Pelé of Brazil’s coach before going all Columbo on the players. “I’ve only got one concern: there are only a few days before the beginning of the World Cup and we still don’t have a good team. Individually, all the players are very good. But we are not a team.”
Mesut Özil may struggle to be fit for Germany’s opening match after picking up knee-knack in a clash with Austria’s Sebastian Prödl last Saturday. Arsenal’s enigma hasn’t been able to properly train since.
Eden Hazard will be playing for Belgium but otherwise plans to support Egypt, the team of pal Mohamed Salah. Hazard scored twice in Belgium’s 3-0 defeat of a Salah-less Egypt on Wednesday and said: “I wish Salah the best and hope he returns. I will support Egypt in the World Cup for him.”
Damien Duff doesn’t think much of the English. “I think their quality will get them so far, maybe they don’t have the clique going on,” said the former boy in green. “I see English players pulling on the jersey - do they want to die for it or would they take a bullet for their country, like say an Irish team would? I’m not sure.”
Bad news for Vlad Putin’s boys in red as hosts Russia enter the tournament as the lowest-ranked of all 32 teams, having dropped four places to 70th, three places behind Saudi Arabia, their opponents in next Thursday’s oh so keenly awaited opening match.
STILL WANT MORE?
Our Ethics World Cup homepage is go!
The Experts’ Network rumbles along with team guides for … Brazil, Nigeria, Croatia, Iceland, Argentina, Peru, France, the flamin’ Socceroos, Denmark, Iran, Spain and plenty more besides. Oh, and tonnes of player profiles like this too.
Philippe Albert, Daniel Amokachi, Marcel Desailly and co get their all-time national XIs on, while you can also create your own, like this.
David Squires on … the epic 1986 quarter-final between France and Brazil.
Who are the rest of the world supporting in Russia? Find out.
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