“No cost-of-living crisis here!” declares self-proclaimed small-town girl turned skincare brand founder Amanda, driving around a particularly swanky part of west London in her gleaming Bentley. It’s the perfect strapline for the latest addition to the increasingly sprawling Real Housewives franchise, which is set in the UK capital, and follows a group of six intensely wealthy women who all run in the same super-rich circles.
In the lead-up to the series airing, the cast have teased feuds so intense that production were forced to intervene and cut the cameras – and given that the franchise has previously gifted us moments such as Jen labelling Mary as a “Grandpa f**ker” (Salt Lake City) and a lighthearted pyjama party escalating into a full-blown physical brawl (Atlanta) this initially set the bar of expectations fairly high.
Though there’s admittedly an entire rest-of-season yet to come, the source of episode one’s dramatic tension was fairly underwhelming, arising from an incredibly convoluted and petty feud involving a dentist.
After rewatching this section of the show three separate times in order to work out why stay-at-home mum Panthea was so upset with one of the show’s two almost-indistinguishable Juliets, I surmised that it was because the dentist in question – a mutual friend – had refused to fix Panthea’s son’s braces, and gave him a mouthful of fillings instead. “Ever since Teethgate, Juliet’s been fake with me at every single soiree,” Panthea snarls.
Why is this orthodontic mishap Juliet’s problem? I couldn’t possibly tell you. While I’m all for petty drama, these things work in a similar way to a joke’s punchline – if it takes several attempts to explain what’s going on, it’s probably not quite hitting the mark.
Otherwise, episode one largely focuses on introducing us to the gang, with introductory segments sandwiched between aerial shots of royal palaces, and quick-cut shots of expensive mansions and flashy cars in Chelsea. “I may be from the Commonwealth, but there’s nothing common about me!’ announces fashion designer Karen, who is installing a swimming pool in her house, despite not being able to swim. Australian Juliet tells us that she has a stuffed swan named Gertrude in her “drawing room”. Baker-to-the-Royals Nessie compares Amanda to “Snow White and the seven dwarfs, if you were to replace the dwarfs with personal assistants.”
All equally detached from most Londoners’ realities, the group spend much of their time trotting through Hyde Park on horseback, taking their dogs for spa-style facials, and proudly describing themselves as trad-wives, without a shred of irony. Buckingham Palace is evidently this lot’s Berghain, with the cast continually boasting about how many times they’ve managed to get in the door. “I just feel exhausted!” Panthea announces, while her high-flying lawyer husband serves her a cup of tea in bed. “I don’t even do anything! I don’t even work!” At least she’s self-aware.
It’s admittedly still early days for the series, and more compelling feuds are hopefully tucked around the corner, but our first glimpses fall disappointingly short. Usually, I gain a lot of sadistic enjoyment from watching rich people bickering with each other and whingeing on about a never-ending succession of non-problems – it serves as a nice down-to-earth reminder that money really can’t buy you happiness. But here, so far, there’s not nearly enough to get your teeth into.
The Real Housewives of London is streaming now on Hayu
