With Gordon Brown attending the Nato summit in Bucharest, Harriet Harman gets her first chance to stand in for him at PMQs. The sketchwriters thought Christmas had arrived early whenever John Prescott had to perform deputising duty at the dispatch box and, given Harman's difficulties this week, they'll be in an equally cheery mood this morning. If you're still following bodyarmourgate, Ben Brogan has an interesting explanation for what went wrong: he claims it's all to do with Harman's assistant, Anna Healey, being on holiday.
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William Hague is appearing for the Tories. There was speculation earlier this week that they might put up Boris, but sadly we will have to wait for the blond one's debut at PMQs. David Cameron's team gave the rumours some credence by refusing to confirm that Hague would be their stand-in, but it seems that this had more to do with keeping Harman guessing about who she would be facing. If Boris were to win the mayor election, then in theory the Tories could let him speak from the dispatch box in a debate on London. This would create a constitutional novelty whereby the speaker on the opposition frontbench would be the man with the executive power. The Tories claim they haven't thought about this yet but, interestingly, they don't seem to have ruled it all out.
The only disappointment is that Nick Clegg won't be taking part. When he next stands up, he is certain to face some barracking about his sexual conquests. But it won't be this afternoon. Since it's "deputies day", Vincent Cable is standing in for him.
Midday
We're off.
The Speaker still says "questions to the prime minister", even though he's not here!
Harman says she's been asked to reply. She pays tribute to soldiers killed in Iraq.
Zimbabwe
Eric Joyce (Lab) says Zimbabwe deserves a democratic government.
Harman says this is an issue on which MPs from all sides of the house agree. Zimbabwe is at a turning point.
William Hague
He also pays tribute to the soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.
And he congratulates Harman on being the first female Labour member ever to answer PMQs.
She must be proud three decades on to be following Margaret Thatcher, "who we on this side of the house and the prime minister so much admire", he says.
On Zimbabwe, will there be an action plan to help the country after Mugabe goes.
Harman wants to know why Hague is asking the questions, not the shadow leader of the Commons, Theresa May. Should women be seen and not heard in the modern Tory party, she asks.
She's getting her punches in first, offering "sisterly advice" to May: "She should not let him get away with it."
(Harman is taking questions because she is deputy Labour leader. There is no deputy Tory leader, but May shadows Harman in her post as leader of the Commons.)
12.05pm
Hague says he was going to be nice to Harman. "Shame," says some MPs.
In a reference to the stab-proof vest row, Hague says that if Harman dresses appropriately when she goes a a building site or a factory, "presumably when she goes to a cabinet meeting she goes dressed as a clown".
Harman says that, if she needs advice on what to wear, "the very last person I'll look to for advice is the man in a baseball cap".
Now she's on to Hague's main point - about poverty - and she praises tax credits.
Hague says she might still need advice. "If she thinks her constituents will kill her, she should look behind her."
Hague goes back to poverty, and the effect of the cut in the basic rate of tax to 20p on the low-paid.
He refers to today's Guardian story, about the way Labour MPs raised this issue with Gordon Brown at Monday's PLP.
12.10pm
Harman dodges the question, claiming that the overall tax burden is lower now than it was when the Tories were in power. The UK is now second from the top in the G7 in terms of GDP per head.
Hague says families are suffering, and that the tax cut will hit five million families. (That's because, to compensate, national insurance is going up.)
Harman says she accepts that people are apprehensive. The government will make sure the economy is resilient. She's on to the Gordon Brown script.
Hague says Harman is allowed to say the government is out of touch.
Brown has gone to a meeting in a palace, "so he's probably lost by now".
Now he quotes Harman from her blog, when she said two months ago that people were not worried about their prospects in 2008.
Harman says she wrote the blog post as part of her "Harriet in the high street" campaign.
MPs seem to find this amusing (is it something about the name Harriet?)
The government needs to keep the economy strong. And she's on to Hague's jokes. People used to say great jokes, poor judgment, she says. But now Hague should be worrying about his income as an after-dinner speaker.
12.15pm
Hague brushes that aside, saying he won't advise her about her jokes. Then he's on to a sweeping broadside - not a very memorable one - about it being time to get rid of "this discredited government".
Harman rattles off the government's achievements.
Now we're on to a different question. If anything, she may have got the better of Hague. No mean feat (although he did not seem to be trying very hard).
Bottled water
Harman's in favour.
Vincent Cable
Cheers from all around the house. "Three-zero," says someone, a reference to Clegg's conquests.
Cable, the former acting deputy Lib Dem leader, says the Queen cancelled her diamond wedding celebrations because it was inappropriate to be seen to be celebrating in a recession. Does Harman think she was right?
The Speaker says Cable should not ask about the Queen. (It's a Commons convention that MPs don't discuss the Queen.)
Cable does not seem to have a follow-up. He says he would like Harman to comment on the recession.
Harman says the economy is still growing.
Autism
Jim Devine (Lab, Livingston) says it is world autism day. What message does the government have?
Harman says she has a message from the PM. Three things are important: early identification, health provision, and support from the voluntary sector, especially the National Autistic Society.
12.20pm
Prison overcrowding in Scotland
Harman does not seem to know about prison places in Scotland - understandably - but she will investigate.
Curry restaurants
Derek Wyatt (Lab, Sittingbourne and Sheppey) says the immigration service is visiting Bangladeshi restaurants between 7pm and 8pm on Friday nights, their busiest time, and forcing them to close if illegal workers are found.
Harman says the Bangladeshi Catering Association has made representations on this issue.
BNP
Harman is asked to condemn the BNP candidate for the London assembly who suggested women enjoy rape.
Harman says she agrees with the Conservative MP who asked the question.
Council funding
Ed Davey (Lib Dem, Kingston and Surbiton) says his local council is in effect having to subsidise councils in other parts of the country.
Harman does not answer this, but she says there has been significant investment in Kingston.
Heathrow
Bob Wareing (Lab) asks for a review of airport policy.
12.25pm
Pre-charge detention
John Baron (Con) asks Harman to do something that Home Office ministers have failed to do - ie explain why Britain needs powers to detain terrorism suspects for more than a month before charging them, while other countries do not need the same power.
Harman claims that Tory stance shows that they are not worried about public protection.
Fruit in schools
Mark Todd (Lab) says the scheme to provide free fruit to some primary school children is one of the government's best initiatives.
Harman says the policy, which applies to four-to-six-year-olds, was "jeered at" by the Conservatives when introduced.
School lunches
Sharon Hodgson (Lab) asks about a scheme in her Gateshead constituency to encourage schools to use locally sourced food in their meals.
Harman says the government is considering the scheme.
Coastal erosion
Norman Lamb (Lib Dem) asks about a report last week speculating about the prospect of parts of his Norfolk constituency being lost to coastal erosion.
Harman says this is an important issue and that the government is looking into this.
Free bus passes
John Spellar, a Labour loyalist, invites Harman to publicise the extension of free bus passes for pensioners. She's happy to oblige.
Inflation
Peter Bottomley (Con) asks if the government realised that inflation on the consumer prices index (the new measure used by the government) would be lower than under the old measure, the retail price index, and if they realised this would impact on pensioners.
Harman says she will get the chancellor to write to him about this.
For some reason the microphone is still on as Harman heads for the door. She tells David Miliband, the foreign secretary, that she's going outside "to see the kids". And she wishes him good luck with his subsequent statement on Zimbabwe.
We also hear Jim Murphy tell his boss, Miliband, that he's come back from Istanbul to hear the statement - "so it had better be good".
Instant verdict
Good day for Harriet shocker: Poor Quentin. What misery. Harman didn't bomb. In fact, she was reasonably good. Not an all-great performance, but she sounded confident, she was not intimidated by Hague and she even managed a decent joke. "The kids" will have every reason to congratulate her.
Hague - did he 'throw' the match? Harman was right - this certainly was not one of his £10,000-a-night speaking performances. He can still do dry humour better than almost anyone else in the Commons - his line about Thatcher, "who we on this side of the house and the prime minister so admire", was perfectly delivered, but he did not have Harman bouncing off the ropes, as he did with Blair sometimes. Was he just too busy to prepare jokes? But there's something ugly about the spectacle of a clever, smarmy man ridiculing a well-meaning woman, so perhaps he pulled his punches intentionally.
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