WINTER OF SAM
The Fiver has never seen the point of managers sending their teams out early for the second half of football matches, not least when the only thing for them to do is stand around in sub-zero temperatures while being raucously effed and jeffed at by their own angry supporters. On Saturday this was the fate that befell the footballers of Crystal Palace, whose half-time interval was curtailed after a 10-minute rollocking from their manager Sam Allardyce, who sent them back out on to the pitch to face the fury of the fans who hadn’t already left the ground in shock after suffering the trauma of seeing their team concede four first-half goals at home to Sunderland.
It wasn’t the last cold and early start the Palace players had to endure over the weekend, as it was later revealed that Big Sam had ordered them to report to the training ground at 7am on Sunday, so he and his coaching staff could pore over their various defensive shortcomings in a video session that might have ended in time for them to catch the last few minutes of the Super Bowl [effing Falcons – Fiver Ed]. In his post-match interview, Allardyce declared he had identified a collective fear of playing at Selhurst Park among his players, which seems rather unfortunate considering it is the stadium where they play most of their games. While the obvious solution of building a new ground somewhere else in time for their next home match against Middlesbrough in three weeks’ time seems expensive and impractical, he must now help his players counter their fear of playing in front of fans who, while not renowned for their great sense of entitlement, can be excused for feeling entitled to a match-day experience that does not involve their team conceding three goals in six minutes against the worst team in the Premier League. “The fear overtook them and they lost control,” mused Big Sam. “Particularly when you go a goal down, once fear takes over, the mind gets confused and we saw the players doing a lot of stuff we didn’t envisage.”
The fear, almost certainly of impending relegation, also seems to have taken over chairman Steve Parish, who may or may not have lost control when he joined Allardyce in the dressing room afterwards to tell his players that, one recent win at Bournemouth aside, their performances of late have been far from acceptable. The biggest spenders in the January transfer window now find themselves in the extremely uncomfortable position of lying second bottom in the table, level on points with the basement-dwellers who thrashed them on Saturday. While much has been made of the fact that their manager has never been relegated, the concern for all connected with Crystal Palace is that the Big Sam they hired may not be the Big Sam they thought they were getting. Previous incarnations of the fire-fighter – Fireman Sam, if you will – have always been motivated by the thought of one day having their greatness recognised by a nod from the FA and finally getting what they believed to be their dues last summer in the form of the England job they’d always believed to be their destiny.
Of course, we all know how that worked out and can only speculate over how much the subsequent embarrassment has affected the Big Sam that Palace hired. Like Alexander the Great, perhaps this one finds himself with no more worlds left to conquer and no real motivation in life. Having achieved his life’s goals at an early age, Alexander famously cried salty tears at what he saw as the futility of his own existence. Come season’s end, who’d bet against Big Sam and thousands of Palace fans crying at the futility of theirs?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“There was a lot of trouble before, players who wouldn’t come with us. OK, it’s their decision. But maybe they are saying now to themselves, ‘$hit! Why didn’t I go with them?’” – Cameroon coach Hugo Broos flicks some proverbial Vs at the players who decided against playing for him … and the subsequent Africa Cup of Nations champions.
FIVER LETTERS
“Last week’s excellent interview with Glenn Murray is a vivid reminder of a typically sharp bit of quick-thinking on the part of Muzza in the days when he was still plying his trade a young bit-part striker for the glorious Cumbrians in what was the Conference (National League). Forever immortalised on many a ‘Goals and Gaffes’ DVD, 89 minutes into a dour 0–0 with Halifax Town at Brunton Park, Halifax keeper Ian Dunbavin had a kick out at Murray after he had chased the ball down right into his arms. The referee gave nothing and gestured play on. Dunbavin thought the referee was waving him over for a word or something but, in fact, had never whistled to stop play. Wandering out of his area ball in hand, Murray quickly realised the visiting keeper’s mistake. Within seconds the ball was rolled to our exotically-named Magno Vieira and the Brazilian did the rest. Cue pandemonium” – Mike Kilner.
“Nine letters in The Fiver on Friday? I always thought the reason my rib-ticklers were omitted was due to a lack of space. Turns out I’m just not as funny as I thought I was” – Gavin O’Sullivan.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mike Kilner.
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BITS AND BOBS
Huddersfield’s last-gasp derby win over Nasty Leeds had most things you could wish for, including a dignity-free touchline stramash with Garry Monk and David Wagner getting all up in each other’s grilles. “I can only speak for myself but my world and the world I was brought up in, you have to show humility and respect and a little bit of class,” honked Monk. “I have a different opinion,” countered Wagner. “In Germany it is not disrespectful if you celebrate with your players. But I am in England and I have to respect British football culture. What, for me, is disrespectful in Germany and in England as well is if you try to battle the other manager. This is a lack of respect.” Play-offs, please!
Leicester’s latest defeat, this time a 3-0 gubbing at home to Manchester United, has got Kasper Schmeichel fearing the worst. “It has been terrible, embarrassing,” he sighed. “It is time for each one of us – from the top to the bottom of this club – to stand up and be counted. If we don’t, we will be relegated.”
Gabriel Jesus is so hot right now, hence all this focus on Sergio Agüero again. “I have three months to do my best and try to help the team and we’ll see what happens with my future,” tooted the Argentinian.
Boyhood Al-Ahli fan and free agent Robbie Keane has been pictured training with the UAE club. “Irish star [unidentified fan] participates in morning drills,” they trilled on social media.
And unlikely Austrian Bundesliga pacesetters Altach are looking to kick on when the league resumes this weekend. “We are a healthy club, we pay our bills on time and we don’t overpay,” whooped sporting director Georg Zellhofer of the village team. “We ensure that whatever we do, we do it well. I go through my network, through my colleagues. I have developed a feeling for which players can fit in, which players are suitable for the club.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Uh-oh, uh-ohs Sid Lowe.
Andy Brassell reports on the Bundesliga’s newest toxic rivalry: Borussia Dortmund and Lawn Ball Sports Leipzig.
Jonathan Wilson, Nick Ames and Usher Komigusha offer their highs and lows of Afcon 2017.
Patrick van Aanholt took a booing from both sets of fans at Selhurst Park, one of 10 things worth talking about from the weekend’s Premier League games.
Stuart James reckons Claudio Ranieri needs to dig out some of last season’s fairydust quickly if he is to defy the bookies and avoid his P45 at Leicester.
Radamel Falcao’s career has rollercoastered but he’s on the up at Monaco, who are looking down on the rest in Ligue 1. Adam White and Eric Devin have more.
Have M’Baye Niang’s impressive loan performances already bagged him a permanent move to Watford? Does he actually want to leave Milan for Watford? That and more in today’s Mill.
A racial slur caught on camera during the Melbourne derby offers a chance for the FFA to educate the ill-informed, writes Francis Awaritefe.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
