PREVIOUSLY …
The Premier League’s big return this weekend brings to mind the story of Chuck Cunningham. No, he’s not a flinty young American prospect snapped up on deadline day; he was Richie Cunningham’s older brother on US sitcom Happy Days. Chuck was a bit-part character played by three different actors – until one day, he said goodnight to the family, headed upstairs and simply never came back down again. His clumsy departure gave rise to “Chuck Cunningham Syndrome”, where characters change appearance, relocate or disappear altogether to leave viewers scratching their heads.
With 12 days having passed since the last match, a frenzied deadline day followed immediately by a memory-cleansing international break, viewers returning to the Premier League’s latest season might feel similarly confused. The top flight’s very own Fonz, Unai Emery, could startle casual watchers by naming Victor Lindelöf, Harvey Elliott and Jadon Sancho in his Aston Villa team to face Everton who – if you’re just tuning in – might be the new Aston Villa, built around the reanimated Jack Grealish. Even stranger, Emi Martínez is likely to be back in goal despite waving a tearful goodbye to Villa fans some 1,057 times in the last six months. Martínez stayed put even as Manchester United packed André Onana off to Trabzonspor, leaving Belgian newcomer Senne Lammens and Altay Bayindir playing rock, paper, scissors to avoid going in goal for Sunday’s Manchester derby.
Not that things are any clearer on the blue side of town, where Pep Guardiola has woken from a heavy fortnight at the tactics board to find that a) Ederson has also done one to Turkey, clearing a path for James Trafford to be City’s new No 1; b) Trafford’s path has been immediately blocked by Gigi Donnarumma, the world’s best shot stopper but (if some internet experts are to be believed) about as reliable with his feet as Bambi in diving boots; c) several of this year’s sw@nky attacking acquisitions are beset by knack; and d) Kalvin Phillips is still on the books, and set to make City’s 25-man Premier League squad in the comeback story nobody expected, or particularly wanted.
That’s nothing compared to the scenes at Nottingham Forest, frequent carriers of the Barclays narrative arc. Not content with another hectic transfer window (four Botafogo players, Evangelos? Four?), their memeable anti-hero owner has replaced ratings-turnoff Nuno Espírito Santo with Ange Postecoglou, a manager who could scarcely be more different on every level. To bring things almost full-circle, Nuno has been written out but lives on as the new David Moyes, a spectre ready to swoop in and install a low block at whichever basement-dwelling club hits the replay button first.
What else is new after deadline day, football’s version of Casa Amor? Well, there are a whole host of strutting bombshells who you may or may not remember your team signing. Brian Brobbey (Sunderland)! Reiss Nelson (Brentford)! Christantus Uche (Crystal Palace)! Bertrand Traoré (also Sunderland)! Kevin (not a vanished Happy Days character, but a Brazilian winger signed by Fulham)! Plenty more familiar faces got involved, too – not least Marc Guéhi, who filmed a farewell video to Palace fans but now must sheepishly slink back into the villa to patch things up with Oliver Glasner on the day beds.
Still, we can’t wait to see the summer’s other big characters line up for their new teams, like Yoane Wissa at Newcastle. Oh, he’s knacked. Alejandro Garnacho at Chelsea? Not even close to match fit. And how about the breakout star of the window, Alexander Isak? “He missed a proper pre-season, so now we have to build him up gradually,” cheered avuncular party-pooper Arne Slot. At this point, Isak feels more like a concept than an actual footballer, but we’ll all be binge-watching this weekend in the hope of catching a glimpse. The Premier League’s big show, despite all evidence to the contrary, appears incapable of jumping the shark.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
We are a big store but they were very lucky we had enough boots in stock that were the right size. They paid between £200 and £230 for each pair and £30 for the shin guards. We have had the odd player come in because they have left their boots behind but never the entire team” – a local sports shop owner in Bergen, Andre Gullord, had a day to remember after a number of Manchester United players’ boots were lost en route to their Women’s Bigger Cup qualifier game at Brann on Thursday. United were forced to buy replacements just hours before the crucial first-leg tie, which they lost 1-0. “We are investigating how this happened,” sighed a club statement, with the bill thought to be around £4,000. “In the meantime, we have secured new boots for all the affected players.” In cost-saving measures that are sure to please penny-pinching billionaire Big Sir Jim Ratcliffe, midfielder Lisa Naalsund, who is from Bergen, asked her mother to bring some boots to the stadium for her.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
Rather than adding a further round to the promotion playoffs [yesterday’s full email edition], I wonder if the EFL has thought of having all 24 teams involved. Maybe they could all play each other home and away to make it fairer, with some kind of points system for determining places” – Adrian Riley.
Not humorous but I need to get this off my chest so maybe you’ll consider inclusion [make your own jokes here – Football Daily Ed]. Why are the Championship’s televised fixtures so inconsiderate of away fans? Ipswich host Sheffield United at 8pm on Friday, leaving Blades fans with a trip home from Suffolk after 10pm. Tomorrow, Charlton v Millwall is at 12.30pm – wouldn’t it be kinder to have played these games the other way round? I know it’s all about the money, but travelling supporters are a key part of the atmosphere, would it really hurt to treat them with a little more respect?” – Glynn Marshall.
One of my ‘favourite’ things about Football Daily are the verb choices for quotes in the News, Bits and Bobs section [full email edition]. Over the last year, I’ve been keeping a tally to determine the most frequent selections. At the top of the table, with 63 uses, we have ‘roared,’ edging out ‘cheered,’ which finished on 57. ‘Sighed’, ‘sniffed’, ‘tooted’ and ‘whooped’ will have to battle it out in the playoffs. Among the more colourful one-off entries for the last year: ‘Shizzled,’ ‘rhapsodised,’ ‘Redknapped’ and ‘Aretha Franklin-ed’. Keep up the ‘good’ work” – Chad Thomas.
I just saw footage of Romario, actually 59, still nutmegging opponents and scoring goals à la Dennis Bergkamp v Newcastle. He’s a free agent and I believe Chelsea are still looking for a striker” – Yannick Woustra.
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Chad Thomas, obviously. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.
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