AND THEN THERE WERE FOUR
It’s Ethics World Cup semi-finals time! And what a treat we have in store with the first one, reader. A local derby between Bobby M’s brilliant Belgium and Diddy Deschamps’ dazzli … erm delightf … um … decent France. And like a mind-altering David Lynch film, there are more subplots than The Fiver’s frazzled little brain can cope with.
Chest-control’s Marouane Fellaini can be expected to boot his strutting Manchester United teammate Paul Pogba around St Petersburg for 90 minutes, while Olivier Giroud will continue his existential crisis up front for Les Bleus in the cold and lonely but ever so important Stéphane Guivarc’h role. Meanwhile, N’Golo Kanté will use his 12 lungs to follow Chelsea colleague Eden Hazard’s tail around the pitch in an impromptu replication of a Charlie Chaplin chase scene. And then there’s the small matter of Bobby M’s vibes man, Thierry Henry. The World Cup-winning teammate of France boss Diddy who will be shouting “Va Va Voom!” encouragingly at Belgian players instead of French ones.
“It will be bizarre to have him up against us,” pouted Giroud. “He is a living legend of French football. He has given so much to the France team and we have got a lot of respect for what he has done. But of course I would be proud to show ‘T1ti’ that he has chosen the wrong camp.” To do that Giroud might have to score a goal or have a shot on target, something he has failed to do in 412 minutes of World Cup football. Not that Diddy gives a flying one. “He might not have the flamboyant style of other players but the team needs him in each and every match because even if he does not score, he does many things for us,” he shrugged.
The Fiver can understand why Henry would choose to cosy up with Bobby M instead of Diddy. Like an overbearing parent, Deschamps doesn’t let his players anywhere near the throttle. It now seems clear that Kylian Mbappé went rogue against Argentina, revving the engine to Diddy’s dismay. Meanwhile, the former Plucky Wigan and Everton boss comes across like a slightly eccentric fun uncle, the type who would laugh loudly as he lets you juice his motorbike down a massive hill even though there was a very big chance you could end up smashed to bits.
Bobby M has also been busy singing a redemption song in Russia, having been somewhat ridiculed when he was kicked out of Goodison Park for his naive tactics. But after Belgium cruised through their group, roared back against Japan and out-thought Brazil, perhaps it’s time to give the genial Spaniard a tip of the hat. He’s even made a West Brom player look good. Give him the World Cup NOW! It’s coming home all right. To Bobby M’s house, in Wigan.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Paul Doyle from 7pm BST for hot MBM coverage of France 1-1 Belgium (4-3 on pens, aet).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Waistcoats were born in London in 1666, promoted by King Charles II. The new fashion soon spread and for at least 300 years a three-piece suit soon formed a key part of every man’s wardrobe. Now Watford-born Gareth Southgate is reviving that London tradition and bringing waistcoats home to the forefront of fashion. This acquisition would be a fantastic addition to our holdings and would come at an exciting time for us” – Beatrice Behlen, the Museum of London’s senior fashion curator, wants to bring the waistcoat back after the World Cup.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
Bulldoze a library with Martin Keown! Invade a retail outlet loosely associated with your opponents! It’s David Squires on the semi-finals.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest World Cup Football Daily podcast, with Max Rushden and co, and you can find it in this general area every matchday evening.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.
FIVEЯ LETTERS
“Has England’s campaign been the most Germanic in World Cup history? Slightly below par for much of the first game, but still find a way to win. Check. Kill game by half-time and then cruise. Check. Tactical tournament-management defeat. Check. Victory in a penalty shootout. Check. Routine, stress-free quarter-final win against potentially tricky opponents. Check. I strongly recommend that if Luka Modric finds Jordan Pickford bearing down on him as he chases a through ball that he takes evasive action” – Dale Sellers.
“#Garethsouthgatewould send The FiveЯ a letter so it would have something to publish, even if he was planning for a World Cup semi-final” – Gareth Southgate Craig Fawcett.
“Re: Southgate’s waistcoat (yesterday’s FiveЯ). Tactics Tim got there first once again. That thing’s just a gilet looking for a bike pump” – Louise Wright.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day and, with it, a copy of World Cup Nuggets by Richard Foster is … Louise Wright.
BITS AND BOBS
Ukraine supporters have flooded Fifa’s FaceSpace page with more than 158,000 comments, most saying “Glory to Ukraine”, after it fined Croatia’s assistant coach Ognjen Vukojevic $15,000 for a video in which he used the same slogan alongside defender Domagoj Vida. Croatian FA suits have sacked Vukojevic.
England’s Eric Dier insists the team won’t change their game plan to deal with Luka Modric and Ivan Rakitic in the semis. “We never want to be reactive. We want to be proactive,” he tooted. “When you play against stronger opposition it is natural to do more defensive work, but that doesn’t mean we change our style or our mentality.”
And non-World Cup dept: Fernando Torres has signed for Japanese top-flight side Sagan Tosu. “I wanted a new challenge in a completely different place,” he trousered.
STILL WANT MORE?
England’s World Cup success should benefit many, not the few, writes Barney Ronay.
Fellaini v Pogba and the problem with playing against a club-mate for your country. By Marcel Desailly.
Dele Alli talks to Daniel Taylor.
Sid Lowe on the brilliant Ivan Rakitic.
Marina Hyde on England and the collapsing political order back home.
Neville Southall on, er, England and the collapsing political order back home.
The redemption of Gareth Southgate. By John Crace.
“Can they? Yes. Will they? No” – how other nations rate England’s hopes.
How well do you know the semi-finalists? Quiz! Quiz! Quiz!
And Manchester United Women’s manager Casey Stoney gets her chat on with Suzanne Wrack.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
