Oct. 14--Boo-yez! Boo-yez! Supreme Halloween Court is now in session, Chief Justice Zorn presiding.
It has been brought to the court's attention that a homeowner in Naperville is the target of a new rule enacted by his homeowners association aimed at curtailing the ever-growing, nationally renowned holiday display on and around his house on Conan Doyle Road.
Local children are organizing a petition drive and demonstration on behalf of the man, Nick Thomas, whose haunted house/graveyard diorama became so spectacular -- if the court may use this word in its neutral sense over the past 18 years that it now reportedly draws thousands of visitors each Halloween season.
Indeed the associated traffic, noise, litter and parking problems prompted the Ashbury Homeowners Association last month to announce a new rule limiting holiday decorations to 50 percent of a homeowner's yard and in a time window of 30 days before and after holidays.
Thomas told the Naperville Sun that to scale back "wouldn't be worth it," so he's not decorating this year. A nearby resident told the newspaper that this outcome is "really a tragedy."
Before the Supreme Halloween Court issues its ruling on this matter, a reminder of previous, nonappealable opinions handed down from the sepulchral podium.
--An extinguished porch light is the universal symbol to trick-or-treaters for "Go away!" Even if every other light inside is blazing, if the porch light is off, move along to the next house.
--There is no "shh" in the word "costume." The court has been alarmed in recent years to hear people refer to their "coshhtume."
--It's always OK to dress up as public figures, even to make fun of them. But blackface makeup is never, ever, ever OK.
--If local ordinances don't otherwise specify, trick-or-treating must end by 9 p.m. It may begin as early as 4 p.m., and must always take place Oct. 31, barring weather emergencies.
--The only acceptable treat is the fun-size candy bar. Smaller or larger treats are strictly forbidden.
--Trick-or-treating is for kids 12 and younger.
--Do not send Halloween cards. The court believes that we have too many card-exchange events on the calendar as it is.
--In accordance with ritual, trick-or-treaters must say "Trick or treat" and "Thank you." Those who answer the door must never ask, "What's the trick?"
--Attempting to find Deeper Meaning in Halloween's juxtaposition of costumed revelry, death imagery and overconsumption of sweets is a conversational misdemeanor punishable by expressions of deep exasperation. Sociological analysis of holidays and the tenuous grip on their historical moorings must be reserved for the festive winter season when Supreme Christmas Court is in session.
Moving on ...
In the matter of Thomas v. Asbury Homeowners Association, the court, having reviewed archival YouTube videos, finds in favor of the association.
Thomas' display was not only disruptive, it was artless. It looked as though he'd been to every rummage sale and prop store in the region, purchased all the fake skeletons, skulls, zombies, shrunken heads, jack-o'-lanterns, tombstones and coffins he could find, then set them out in his yard. It looked more like a haunted flea market than a haunted house.
Add in the nightly music and light show, and it was simply excessive, not spooky or evocative. The court is cognizant of the public's appetite for excess and raw visual stimuli and further acknowledges that national television programs deemed Thomas' array noteworthy, that Thomas collected charitable donations from visitors and that some nearby residents support him.
The court nevertheless sides with the "enough already" caucus in the neighborhood.
The only horror the court feels is empathetic horror for those who haplessly find themselves sharing their once quiet streets with a garish tourist attraction.
"They told me to 'tone it down,' but what does that even mean?" Thomas asked a Sun reporter.
The court echoes the homeowners association's implicit answer: Toning it down means less decor for fewer days. Be clever rather than comprehensive in arraying your seasonal bric-a-brac. Think of these limits not as a Scroogian prohibition but a neighborly compromise; not as an affront to your freedom, but as a challenge.
The court admonishes Thomas to attempt to rise to this challenge rather than sulk. His refusal to decorate at all this year suggests his efforts over the years have been more about drawing attention to himself than delighting children and families.
The court also urges his sympathizers to be less cavalier in using the word "tragedy."
Supreme Halloween Court is now adjourned.
(Slams down hatchet instead of a gavel, appears to sever hand, screams while spraying room with fake blood.)
Your Halloween verdicts? Post them in the comments.
