SWANS-ALL-AT-SEA
Quiz question: how do you spell “disaster” in Premier League English? Answer: L-D-L-L-D-L-W-L-L-D-L-L. It’s a grim old sequence of letters, impossible to pronounce without sounding like you’re choking on your own vomit, and it has created a tsunami of bile that looks set to sweep Garry Monk out of the exit at Swansea.
It’s vaguely possible that the letters look familiar to you. After all, just last season there was the L-D-L-L-L-W-D-L-D-L-D-L that ushered Gus Poyet to his doom at Sunderland; the L-L-D-L-L-W-D-L-D-D-L-L that did for Neil Warnock at Crystal Palace; and, a division down, the D-L-D-D-L-W-D-D-L-L-L-D that ended Sami Hyypia’s time at Brighton. From all of which we can deduce the following: if a team’s last league win was five or more games ago, and you need to go back five or more games before that to find another one, it’s time for the manager to pack his bags.
“We all feel at the club that something needs to change to get things back on a positive note as quickly as possible,” wheezed Swansea chairman Huw Jenkins. “It just again highlights if things are not dealt with and addressed early enough the Premier League is very unforgiving.” In other words, time is of the essence. Something must be done, right away. Act now, or regret it forever. So, Jenkins was asked, when can we expect an announcement about Swansea’s managerial future? “Not today,” he replied, “because I am up here.”
He was, to be precise, concentrating on a very different combination of initials as he collected his OBE – awarded for services to sport in Wales – from the Duke of Cambridge. On the downside, this clearly created a delay in dealing with the problems hobbling staff at the Liberty Stadium – and The Fiver has heard that the Premier League is very unforgiving when things are not dealt with and addressed early enough – but on the plus side the occasion at least gave him an opportunity to pronounce the word “win” for the first time in a while, as he started to tell his taxi driver which royal castle to head for.
Monk, meanwhile, took charge of training for perhaps the final time, perhaps now regretting the much-trumpeted summer installation of pitchside “sleep pods” at Swansea’s training ground. Each pod is technically known as a Snoozebox – a term that, surely not coincidentally, can now equally be applied to Swansea’s penalty area. It sounds very much like Monk, managerially speaking, will be not so much dozing with the Swans as sleeping with the fishes by the time Jenkins and his shiny new badge get back to Wales.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“John turned his iPad on to see what the score was quick. We saw what the score was and we turned it off, but in that time some guy upstairs must have got a shot of it … If people feel I was not concentrating then I can assure them that was not the case. It was fleeting look at the score and that was the end of it. If they are upset by that then I do apologise” – Croydon councillor Pat Ryan responds after he and a colleague were caught watching Crystal Palace’s 1-1 draw at Everton during a debate about the future of a local theatre.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
All aboard with Andy Brassell and Copa90 for this Football Passport film at Galatasaray.
FIVER LETTERS
“Doug Ellis (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) can join the former pole vaulter Stacey Dragila in the list of sporting figures libelled during televised events by automated subtitling. She may have found herself the object of police attention after Ceefax (ask your parents) repeatedly named her as Stacey the Drug Dealer” – Michael Hann, Big Paper/Website Music Ed.
“I watched Match of the Day with the subtitles on on Saturday night, and I thought it was odd that Louis van Gaal was complementing his own training methods when he said: ‘We were looking fit.’ Now you’ve told us about the flaws of live respeaking (yesterday’s Fiver), it makes a little more sense” – Stephen Yoxall.
“When watching MotD on the iPlayer, I sometimes switch on subtitles and keep an eye out for amusing errors in player names. My favourite from last season was when Edin Dzeko appeared as ‘A Dingy Echo’, thus implying a shabby, empty and echoing stadium” – Tim Marchant.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Stephen Yoxall, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016 courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got loads more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Augsburg keeper Marwin Hitz has been sent a bill for €122.92 by the head of Cologne’s sporting venues for sneakily sabotaging the penalty spot before a spot-kick last weekend. “Strictly speaking, it was the wanton destruction of property,” sniffed Hans Rütten, prompting Hitz to reply: “With a wink, I like to pay my debts. In addition, I will make a donation to the children’s hospital.”
José Mourinho doesn’t fear the sack, even if Chelsea get booted out of Big Cup by Porto. “I don’t think the owner is a person to change with the wind,” he parped.
Valencia fans proved they had nothing better to d … sorry, showed fervent enthusiasm for their new manager by turning out in their thousands to welcome G-Nev at his first training session before their must-win Big Cup match against Lyon.
Will Manchester United’s comprehensively unattractive home FA Cup tie against Sheffield United maintain their run of being live on telly in the Cup all the time regardless? More than likely. Still, tantalising third-round ties to rival it include Exeter City v Liverpool, Eastleigh v Bolton, Leicester v Spurs and Everton v Whitehawk or Dagenham & Redbridge.
Antoine Griezmann is quite happy thank you very much where he is at Atlético Madrid and definitely not tempted by Chelsea’s whisperings. “I do not feel the need to play in Ligue 1, nor in the Premier League or in Serie A,” he said, offering up a choice of words that may be thrown back at him in future transfer windows.
Warming his posterior on the Arsenal bench is harshing Mathieu Debuchy’s buzz. “I’ve got to play more than I do, that’s why I want to talk to Wenger soon,” he sighed.
West Ham’s Manuel Lanzini is out for up to six weeks with a touch of groin-twang.
And Port Vale chairman Norman Smurthwaite has got a right funk on after players and management failed to applaud travelling fans after the FA Cup defeat at Exeter. “What made it even worse and turned fuel on the fire, and which I was disgusted with, was at the end of the game most of the players and the management staff just left the field and went to the changing rooms,” he fumed. “With that I ran out to the street, and the coaches, wound up like a spring to say ‘I am sorry. You have travelled 400 miles plus round trip to endure that.’”
STILL WANT MORE?
Have Manchester United’s soporific recent displays brought back memories of the early 80s and Dave Sexton? They have for David Squires.
Let the long winter evenings fly by with our ‘create your own Euro 2016 draw’ interactive. And let Simon Burnton patiently explain how it all works.
“Engage, engage, engage” – that’s the mantra of new QPR boss Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, the fifth manager in five years to be, well, engaged by Tony Fernandes in search of elusive success. James Riach reports.
Goals! Goals! Goals! From Dani Alves to Doncaster’s Conor Grant, check out these stunning strikes in our Goals of the Week round-up.
Tim-bers! Caitlin Murray on the MLS Cup champs’ triumphant return.
David Hytner previews Arsenal’s trip to Olympiakos.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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