MALCOM’S CHEQUES
Barcelona have a new player. His name is Malcom. He joins new signings called Arthur and Clement, along with existing Barça players named Douglas and Miranda, meaning they’re only a Norman and Beryl away from matching the names of the residents of a suburban cul-de-sac who have private parties that require the curtains to be drawn for some reason. But just like the good people of Swappers Close, what started as a bit of fun has left some broken hearts along the way. Because until Monday evening, it very much looked like Malcom would not be theirs, having promised himself to Roma. So much so that his former club Bordeaux had released a statement saying Malcom was heading to Italy, Roma confirmed the news too and a bunch of people with nothing better to do were waiting at Rome airport to clog the terminal up for weary travellers and welcome their new signing to town.
Agreements were in place, announcements made, tees and lower-case jays were simply waiting to be crossed and dotted. That was until big bad boys Barça swaggered into view and started swinging it about. Cue some chicanery, offers, counter-offers and frantic phonecalls, and before you knew it Malcom was giving the ol’ thumbs up in Catalonia. All of which deeply vexed Monchi, who despite the name is actually Roma’s sporting director and not a cartoon dog. So vexed, that he sat down for an emotional, tell-all interview, in which he explained the devastating course of events that led to a footballer choosing one club over another. “I told him [Bordeaux president Stéphane Martin] that we had an agreement, we had made the deal,” Monchi lip-quivered, “but he said that nothing had been signed and that, despite having exchanged some documents to be signed, nothing could be done.”
Looking like a cross between a politician being grilled about a ropey government contract and a pet owner appealing for the safe return of their missing cat, Monchi continued to be utterly perplexed that a club and player, with no binding agreement in place, would decide they’d rather sell and move to one of the world’s very biggest clubs. “If someone wants to come to Roma that is great, but ultimately if they do not want to come to Rome then we do not want them.”
But he’s not taking it lying down! No sir! “We are looking at our options and seeing if we have a legal case,” he roared. “It is true that nothing was signed, but there are many messages with the agents and their president that are at least worth being assessed.” Look, it’s a big bad world out there: in our teenage years, Belinda promised to love The Fiver forever, but we didn’t call our brief when she realised she had a better offer. “I want to tell our fans that we are continuing to work hard, working to identify a player that wants to come to Roma and is the equal or even better than Malcom,” Monchi concluded. See? Never fancied him anyway. Everyone’s happy. Except, of course, Norman and Beryl, who after that fateful evening are beginning to reassess their life choices a little.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“There’s an emergency situation at West Ham stadium” – yes, it’s the Sudden Death rip-off you’ve all been waiting for: Dave Bautista, Jonathan Pearce and what looks like a cameo from Tony Cottee witnessing an execution all star in the trailer for upcoming film, Final Score.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s our shiny transfer window interactive.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: your mention of the Bang Average Football Awards (yesterday’s Fiver). Please run them” – Alex Folkes.
“Re: VAT tax (yesterday’s Fiver letters). What about the people who send invitations followed by ‘please RSVP’?” – John Walker.
“Don’t forget PIN number, Mount Fujiyama (that’s a double whammy) or even Arsenal nil” – Peter Arnold.
“American presidential scion and failed presidential candidate Jeb Bush is another, as JEB stands for John Ellis Bush” – Joe Pearson.
“PAT testing annoys me every time” – Iain Irvine.
“Back in 1982-87, I worked for a Hertfordshire-based firm called Ibis Information Services. As Ibis was an acronym for International Book Information Services, the very thought of what it was actually called still makes my teeth grind 35 years later” – John Goodman.
“To offer a football theme, being perhaps in sight of either Turf Moor or Deepdale, Pendle Hill means Hilll Hill Hill” – Kevin McGowan.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … John Goodman.
BITS AND BOBS
Liverpool’s physio department are set to embark on an expansive and wide-ranging recruitment campaign after Jürgen Klopp indicated headwear salesman Daniel Sturridge would be given another chance at the club.
“We are family! We got Özil, not Germany,” was the general gist of Unai Emery’s press conference on Wednesday when asked about the midfielder’s international retirement. “All of us want to help Mesut feel like it is his home here with us, like a family and it is a family for every player,” he added, more conventionally.
Southampton’s Jordy Clasie has boarded the Do One express: non-stop to Feyenoord on a season-long loan.
Sir John Henry Chippendale ‘Chips’ Lindley Keswick reckons Ivan Gazidis is “fully committed” to Arsenal but still did not actually deny reports the chief suit will hotfoot it to Meeeeelan. “He has always been fully committed to taking Arsenal forward,” cheered Sir Chips.
Queen’s Celtic keeper Craig Gordon isn’t getting fans’ hopes up too high before their Big Cup second qualifying round first leg with Rosenborg on Wednesday. “There’s not a great deal between the teams, so it’s a massive effort for any team to get through four qualifying rounds,” he sighed.
Derby County have agreed a £5m fee with lower-league striker factory Peterborough United for Jack Marriott.
And Henry Savill, editor of Newcastle United fanzine The Spectator’s View, writes here about #IfRafaGoesWeGo.
STILL WANT MORE?
Um.
Er.
Well.
This is a bit awkward.
Still, there’s always The Knowledge. Good old The Knowledge, still putting in a shift 17 years on.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
