Dear Coleen
My wife and I broke up last year after she went off the rails. We’d been together for 12 years and have two young children.
She actually left me to go and live with a guy she met online (he was one of several men she’d connected with). We’re both in our early 40s and I think she was going through some kind of midlife crisis.
She hated where we lived in the countryside. She found it hard to make friends and after living all her life in the city until about five years ago, she couldn’t adjust. We also had some financial problems, which started about three years ago, and argued a lot – blaming each other.
To cut a long story short, she was with this other guy for a few months, while the kids stayed with me and she saw them most weekends.
But then she got in touch, begging for another chance and saying she was so unhappy she had to get out and away from everyone and everything.
She came back, we’ve been having counselling and things are going OK.
However, my family, especially my parents, can’t forgive her. They’ve made it clear they don’t want her at their houses or at any family events. They’ve basically cancelled her. I feel this is putting a lot of pressure on our already fragile relationship.
Can you help?
What advice would you give to this reader? Have your say in the comment section
Coleen says
Your family won’t find it as easy as you to forgive her and move forward – they love you and your children and they’ve seen what she’s put you all through. No doubt they’ll be worried she’ll do it again. In a situation like this, I think it’ll take time for your wife to prove herself and for your family to trust her again.
But, the bottom line is, it’s your life, your relationship and your family, and you have to do what’s right for you.
I think it’s sensible to have ongoing counselling, so that you are communicating better and being supported as you work through the issues in your relationship.
If you have a period of stability and your family can see things are working out and you all seem happy, then my guess is they’ll begin to accept the situation. But they’ll probably never feel the same way about your wife again.
She’ll have to accept the fact that she’s hurt them, too, and will have to make an effort to repair the damage.
You must be honest with your parents.
Tell them that you understand why they’re worried and that you know you’re taking a risk and it might not work out – but that you also want the opportunity to try to put your family back together.
