Netflix could solve this problem if it would just give me a big red button to nuke my kids. Like, not actually nuke them. But, yeah, blow those freeloading teenagers off Netflix whenever I choose.
Such a beautiful, all-powerful button should only be on the app of the primary account holder – you know, the person who pays the monthly bill. In my case, moi.
A Netflix bomb would bring a glorious end to those snatched moments where my wife and I get to sit and watch an incremental bit of whatever it is we’re watching. Parents don’t binge shows. You panhandle life and the streamers for uninterrupted minutes.
There’s a cruelty to the dance. My standard Netflix subscription allows access for two screens. But no matter, Netflix opens the door and lets you in. Our show shimmers in the carousel. I click on it, and up it boots, seductively. Then, the gut punch: “Screen limit. Too many people are using your account right now.”
One of the teens is probably in their bedroom, FaceTiming while some show plays wastefully in the background. Another offender might be in the shower, phone in a ziplock plastic bag, “watching” Gossip Girl as she shampoos her hair.
In my Oppenheimer dreams I push the button and a mushroom cloud takes over their screens and cuts to a black Sopranos-inspired nothingness.
But I don’t have the button. Instead, I change the password of my Netflix account and I log back in, smiling, as confused teenaged shouts about something going wrong with the wifi come down the hall and ricochet off a closing door.
